Video Game Review #560: Batman Returns

Batman Returns

Sega Game Gear

Nostalgia Factor:

I never owned a Game Gear growing up, but I always wanted one. In fact, I never knew a single person who even had a Game Gear. Due to my nonexistent exposure to the system, its library of games is ripe for me to check out and explore.

A game I always wanted to play as a kid was Batman Returns. I remember reading about this game in the magazines at the time, and I always thought it looked really good. Plus, I was fully invested in Batman back then. If I had ever purchased a Game Gear as a kid, this certainly would have been one of the first titles in my library.

But alas, none of that ever happened. So now it is time to check out Batman Returns 33 years after its initial release. Let's check it out.

Story:

This story loosely follows the plot of the movie - and boy do I mean loosely. It starts with the death of the Ice Queen. Batman is spotted on the ground tending to her after her fall, when a crowd begins to form and Batman is chased off. The game then begins with you playing as Batman and fighting through hordes of enemies. Right away on the first stage, there are Oswald Cobblepot for Mayor signs plastered around the city. The whole timeline of this adaptation is severely messed up.

The stages themselves don't follow the movies too well. First stage is a generic "streets of Gotham" stage. The next stage has you fighting through the Shreck department store. Stage three: random rooftops of Gotham stage. Stage four: sewer stage. Stage five: Penguin's hideout. So, they kinda sorta take you places seen in the movie, but not in any coherent type of fashion. But you know what? I don't care. It's a Game Gear game. We don't need a perfect retelling of the movie's storyline. We just need a serviceable platformer dressed in vague Batman Returns clothing. Which is exactly what we got.

Gameplay:

"A serviceable platformer" describes this pretty well. It is nothing special. It's nothing particularly bad, either. It's a totally serviceable game! I put it about on par with the Game Boy Castlevania games in terms of overall enjoyment.

But I'm getting too far ahead here. How does the game work? You control Batman. You start on the left side of the screen. Your goal is to make it all the way to the right, fighting enemies by throwing unlimited Batarangs at them, and jumping over obstacles. This game makes good use of the grappling hook, which you can use two ways. You can pull yourself up onto high ledges, or use it to swing over large gaps. 

Enemies are easy to beat, only taking one or two hits from your Batarang. The Batarang is fairly short range, though. The main challenge of the game is the platforming. You must avoid falling into pits at all costs - or getting knocked back into them. Freaking knockback. At the end of each stage, you fight a boss character. Some are from the movie. Some are not. They can be tough to beat, but if you pay attention and memorize their patterns, you should get it after a while.

The game is comprised of five stages. Each stage starts by offering you a choice of which path you'd like to take through the stage. I played through this game twice, making sure to explore each path. I'm honestly not sure what the differences are, as my gameplay experience was virtually the same each way.

All in all, you can beat the game in less than an hour. Familiarizing yourself with the game's controls (most notably the grappling hook) and then learning the patterns of the boss characters are the toughest things about the game. Otherwise it is a relatively easy and simple game. Don't get me wrong: this game can get frustrating with the bottomless pits and the knockback. But compared to the NES Batman game, or games like Ninja Gaiden, this is a walk in the park.

Graphics:

This game looks a lot better than I thought it would. It's a Game Gear game, so I was not expecting much. But it looks good! Okay, maybe not good good, but it looks serviceable. Again with the "serviceable." That seems to be the theme of this review. But seriously, I like the little touches, such as the Cobblepot posters, the Christmas decorations, and the snowfall. And many characters from the movie are well represented. Not just Catwoman and the Penguin, but minor villains like the fire demon guy and the big bald shirtless guy, too.

Sound:

I've played through this game twice, and I do not remember a single thing about either the music or the sound effects. That should tell you all you need to know. I'll resort to my good ol' fallback quote: if I didn't notice the game's sound, it must not have been that bad. Otherwise I would have noticed, and would have made a point to say something negative here.

It must have been, dare I say it, serviceable.

Overall:

This is an okay game. I must not have hated it too much if I played through it twice. It's a totally normal, no-frills 2D platformer. I am certain that if I had a Game Gear as a kid, I would have been perfectly happy with this title.

Does it do anything we have never seen before? No. Does it do anything grossly offensive or annoying? No. Is it playable? Yes. Is it fun? Yeah. Is it outstanding? Absolutely not.

I'm not going to go out of my way to say this is some awesome, totally unforgettable game, because it's not. I hate falling back on this same old line, but it seems apropos here: Batman Returns is a totally serviceable game. Nothing more, nothing less. Serviceable.

To me, this game falls on the positive side of "average." It doesn't really do anything wrong, but it doesn't do anything outstanding either. I've been there and done that with other, better 2D platformers than this. While I liked it, I'm not going to jump out of my seat singing its praises either. So a slightly above average review score is what it will get. I hope you're happy with that. I am.

THE GRADE:

C+

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2024 Movie Ranking Countdown: #40 through #21

We're already more than halfway through February, and I am still not even close to finishing my 2024 movie ranking. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to speed things up a bit. I had planned on providing a complete breakdown of each of these movies, but since that will take me till freaking July at this rate, I'm going to skip the breakdowns. I'm just going to give you a straight up numbered ranking of each of the remaining movies until we get to the top 20. No explanations. No reasoning offered. Nothing but a straight up ranking. Enjoy.

Oh, here is #60 through #41, in case you missed it

40: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition
39: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Extended Edition
38: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
37: Milo and Otis
36: Terminator 2: Judgment Day
35: The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes
34: Old

33: The Skeleton Key

32: Fried Green Tomatoes
31: The Four Falls of Buffalo
30: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

29: Sleeping with the Enemy

28: Milk

27: Gerald's Game

26: Platoon

25: Open Water
24: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice
23: Bone Tomahawk

22: Martyrs (2008)

21: Stand By Me

There's not much that I feel guilty about leaving out of the top 20. Stand By Me almost made the cut. I found that the movie tried too hard to be "sad" and let each character have his weeping, vulnerable moment. It's a good movie, but I found it hard to be too invested emotionally when it was so obvious what they were trying to do. Martyrs is a movie that ranked super high when I first saw it several years ago, but I find that without the shock value of having never seen it, it is not as impactful. Bone Tomahawk probably suffers from whatever the opposite of recency bias is. Maybe if it was fresher on my mind, it would have ranked higher.

That's really all I have to say. Stay tuned for my top 20, which hopefully will be coming at some point before the next ice age.

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Video Game Review #559: The Lawnmower Man

The Lawnmower Man

Sega CD and PC

Nostalgia Factor:

As a kid, I was in awe when my stepbrothers brought over The Lawnmower Man and set it up on my dad's new computer. The promise of virtual reality was tantalizing back in the 1990s, and the movie seemingly opened up a new window into what gaming and technology could look like in the future. I could only imagine how awesome the game was going to be.

It looked impressive for its time. I remember the music and the cinematics being pretty intense. I mean, they kind of look crappy by today's standards, but back then this was mind blowing stuff. Not only was the game cool to look at it, but the events of the game were very intriguing to me. The game was comprised of a series of small stages and minigames, and I was always very interested to see what was going to be introduced next. Everything seemed shrouded in a mystery that I could not wait to unravel.

Unfortunately, I was terrible at the game and I never got very far in it. No one did. I remember making it to a stage where you stand on a circuit board-looking maze thing, and you have to pick which of the three paths to take to the end. This is always where I lost all my lives. I think one time I made it through, and I sat up in my chair like "oooooh, what is going to be next after this?" I don't remember what was next, but I ended up dying almost immediately. I never made it that far again.

At the time, I thought that I was very close to the end of the game. Oh, sweet summer child. At best, I was about 15 percent into the adventure. The whole game was still sitting there, waiting for me to explore it. But I was never able to. As much as the game intrigued me, it was just too hard for me to make any real, significant progress. Plus, our home PC was set up in my dad's bedroom, and I was only able to play it on rare occasions. So I didn't get to invest much time in it. All this added up to me moving on to bigger and better things. I gave up on The Lawnmower Man, and a good 30 years passed before I picked it up again.

For this review, I had only intended to play through the PC version of the game. But when I was done, I thought I'd check out the Sega CD version to see what the differences were. I didn't intend at the time to play through the entire game on the Sega CD, but that is what ended up happening. So I am reviewing both games at once.

Normally, I would do separate reviews because these games are similar but different. But for this one, I decided to do a joint review and count them each as one single game review. There may be differences, but the core gameplay is the same. You'll end up getting virtually (pun intended) the same experience playing this on PC as you would on Sega CD. So joint review it is. And yes, there is precedent for this (see my Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool review).

Would this game hold up in modern time, or would I find that it has aged as well as the movie (ie: not well)? Let's find out.

Story:

I've never fully understood the movie, and I've never fully understood the game, either. Especially considering my stepbrothers never left me an instruction manual to read through. But from what I am able to gather, the game takes place at the end of the titular movie. Jobe is trapped in cyberspace. Your character, the doctor played by Pierce Brosnan (fuck if I know his name), is sent in to fight him. As you make your way through the game, you unlock Jobe's memories, which are presented through grainy cutscenes taken from the movie.

At the end of the game, you enter a room where you dodge some electricity, and then you jump up and touch a spiky ball and knock over a painting. And then the game ends. Huh.

When beating this on the PC, the credits immediately began to roll when I was done with the game. I was like "that's it???" On the Sega CD version, there is an ambiguous ending that wraps up with a screen that says To Be Continued. I'm not sure why I didn't get an ending on the PC version, because I looked up some walkthroughs after I was done with both games, and every single one ends with the same ending sequence from the Sega CD game. Why didn't I see it? Did I do something wrong? I don't know. Don't really care, either.

Gameplay:

The main difference between the versions can be found right off the bat. The Sega CD version offers you a choice of three difficulty settings, while the PC version does not give you any options. When playing the Sega CD version, I just assumed the game would start on its default, normal difficulty. But when I came back after beating the game, I noticed that it actually starts you on easy mode. Woopsie. So I actually played the game on easy mode. No wonder I found it shorter and far less difficult than the PC game.

The rest of the differences are minimal. There are some shortened cutscenes during minigames on the Sega CD. I also found the game to be shorter on Sega CD (although that may be because I was unknowingly playing on easy mode). I also noticed you could skip some cutscenes on the Sega CD version, which I was never able to do on the PC version. Honestly, aside from some graphical issues (the PC version looks much better), the games are identical. That's why I am counting them as one joint review. I hope that's okay with you, Mr. Judgey Pants.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the gameplay. Like I said earlier in the review, the game is comprised of a bunch of minigames. Fail a minigame, you lose a life. You have five lives to make it through the entire game. Lose those lives, and it is back to the beginning you go. There has to be at least 30 minigames between you and the end of the game, meaning your margin for error is extraordinarily thin.

Let's break down some of those minigames.

The first one I'll talk about is one of the most common minigames, as it is repeated off and on throughout the course of the game. In this minigame, you control the player as he runs through an obstacle course. Press up to jump, press down to duck. That's all you gotta do. The first time through one of these levels, the game prompts you which direction you need to hit, and when. On subsequent playthroughs, you are not prompted. Once you get the hang of these levels, you'll find they are the easiest in the game - especially considering that timing does not matter. For example, if you know a gap is coming that you need to jump over, you can just hit up repeatedly until your character jumps. You don't have to time it out like a platformer.

Another minigame is the flying minigame, where you race through a series of tunnels in something vaguely resembling a fighter from Star Wars. Again, these are pretty easy. Hit left to turn left, right to turn right, etc. Again, no exact timing is required. If you see a bend in the road going right, you can immediately just start tapping right, and your character will make the turn. These levels do get harder later in the game, when enemies are introduced that you have to shoot. They have a habit of appearing out of nowhere and killing you before you can even react. Half-walls also pop up out of nowhere as well. You've got to be paying close attention all the time or you are going to lose some of your much needed extra lives.

Another game involves a series of tests where you are shown four objects, numbers, or symbols, and you have to pick which one does not belong.

Another game involves firing a cannon at your opponent, and trying to find the hole in his shield.

Another game has you remotely moving a robot around a grid, trying to collect a key.

There are some maze related minigames. There's one where you have to memorize a color pattern. There are a few others I can't think of as well.

Wait! Let me tell you my most hated minigame: it is basically trial and error as you move your way across a grid until you get to the end. If you jump on a "bad" tile, an enemy comes out and kills you. Think of the big bridge in the Squid Game. It reminds me of that. This game is composed completely of trial and error. There is no skill whatsoever involved. You can lose precious lives through no fault of your own on this one. You bet your sweet patooty I used save states to get through these. Ah, save states. An invaluable tool I didn't have back in 1995.

But yeah, there is a pretty decent variety when it comes to the minigames. Some of them are super fun and easy, while others can be a pain in the butt. Hopefully you like them, because that's the entire game.

Graphics:

This game looks really, really rough by today's standards. It is hard to believe I thought this was so groundbreaking when I was a kid. Other games that came out around this time, like Super Mario World and the Sonic games, have aged so much better. But I would have shunned them all for this game when I was younger.

Why does it look so bad? It's blocky, it's grainy, it's blotchy, it's poorly animated. I can see why I was so intrigued by the game though. It just kind of has this creepy, mysterious aura about it. There's something about this game's look and feel that makes you want to keep playing.

Sound:

The music may be the best thing about this game. It's got a fun, upbeat techno soundtrack. I found myself grooving along and rocking to the beat as I'd play through the game. The voice acting, on the other hand, is absolutely terrible. I could barely understand anything anyone was saying in this game. It sounds like everyone is talking through a fan with a giant bag of pennies in their mouths. Maybe that's why I couldn't figure out what was going on in this game: because I couldn't understand what anyone was saying!

Overall:

This is not a good game. I'm not going to bash it and say it is a terrible game, because it is not. But it's not a good game. It was a nice curiosity when I was younger, but that's about it. I'm glad I came back to it. I am glad I finished it off. I am glad I got to see everything the game has to offer. But let's be real. This is nothing more than a glorified bundle of minigames. The running and the flying levels are fine. Some of the others are tolerable. There are many that are simply frustrating and not fun at all. It's an interesting mix.

If you would like to go back and open a time capsule on how little Danny thought video games would look in the future, you might want to check out this game. If you are looking for a fun gameplay experience, you are probably better staying away.

THE GRADE:

C-

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Video Game Review #558: Ninja Gaiden Trilogy

Ninja Gaiden Trilogy

Super Nintendo

Nostalgia Factor:

Growing up a fan of the Ninja Gaiden series, I was always a little disappointed that this game never came out for the Sega Genesis. Remember: compilations or collections were not commonplace back in the 90s. I thought it was just the coolest thing that they were able to put all three of the NES games on one cartridge for the Super Nintendo. But seeing as how I did not own a Super Nintendo, I was never able to play it.

Over the years, I have read many comments and reviews online that have called out this collection for being crappy. Huh? How could they mess up a simple port of one of the greatest NES series of all time? I've been meaning to play the game for myself for a few years now, but I haven't had the time to get around to it until now. Would I agree with the negative reviews, or would I find that this game isn't really that bad after all? Let's find out!

Story:

Pardon my laziness, but I've already reviewed each of these games individually, so I don't think I need to recap them again. Click the following links if you want a story synopsis for each of these games:

Ninja Gaiden
Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos

Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom

Gameplay:

I hate to sound like a broken record, but the gameplay has not changed much from the NES games either. Do I really need to describe the gameplay considering I've already reviewed each of these games individually? Probably not. Again, go back and read my last few reviews if you don't know how Ninja Gaiden works.

I don't know if this was a "me" problem, or a problem with the game, but I did notice a little bit of an issue with the hit detection when I first started playing the original Ninja Gaiden. I got hit a whole bunch of times and died on the first level - which I don't think I've ever done before. But the more I played, the more I adapted. By level two, I had a firm grasp of the controls and hit detection and had a fairly smooth experience the rest of the way. But I did have a problem with button presses not registering sometimes. Very frustrating when you have a jump timed out, and you just run off the ledge and die. Or you are leaping to make a precision strike, you hit the attack button, nothing happens, you hit the enemy, and you get bounced back to your death. Very annoying. I don't know if this was a problem with the game or my controller though - so I am not going to blame the game. Just don't you dare say it is a skill issue. I grew up on the first two games in this series and beat them many times as a kid. I know how to not make rookie mistakes.

The game does include a save or continue feature, which is nice. I am not quite sure how it works, because I beat each of these three games in one sitting each. But it is nice that this is an option, since it was NOT an option in the original games.

Graphics:

I think some of the criticism this collection takes is because it did not do much to update the game's graphics. This is not like Super Mario All-Stars, where the graphics are juiced up. They are only minorly improved. You could even make the argument they aren't improved at all, because they lack the charm of the original games.

I'm not going to judge this too harshly, though. I came here to play a collection of all three Ninja Gaiden games in one, and that is what I got.

Sound:

This is where the collection takes a major step back from the original games. The NES game had a rockin' soundtrack. Here, they tried to make it "better" and ended up completely neutering the music. I don't know how to describe it. It has no edge anymore. It just sounds cheesy and generic.

Nothing wrong with the sound effects though.

Overall:

I think your enjoyment of the game will depend on what you are expecting coming in. If you are expecting a simple port of the NES games, you'll like this. I fall into this category. I had a good time with this. The series is annoying and difficult as hell, but I still like it.

If you are expecting a game with massive improvements made (like Super Mario All-Stars), you may come away disappointed.

But to me, it was everything I expected it would be: a faithful port of all three NES games on one cartridge. Yeah there are some questionable graphical/musical choices  made, but the basic gameplay is the same. And it gives you a save feature.

So I am going to go ahead and give Ninja Gaiden Trilogy a pretty good score. It could be better, yeah, but it did what I expected it to do. Annoyances and crushing difficulty and all.

THE GRADE:

B+

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Video Game Review #557: Double Dragon

Double Dragon

Sega Master System

Nostalgia Factor:

When I was a kid, I grew up playing both the NES and the arcade versions of Double Dragon. I know that popular sentiment is that the arcade game is better, but I'll be honest: I've always preferred the NES version.

Within the last few years I have become aware of the Sega Master System version of Double Dragon. I've read some online reviews. I watched the Console Wars episode that compares the two home versions of the game. The consensus seems to be that the Master System version of the game is better than the NES.

Being a big fan of the NES game, I knew that someday I would have to play the Master System version myself. Would I find that it is indeed better than the NES game, or would I find the opposite to be the case? Let's dive in.

Story:

This game has the same story as the other versions of Double Dragon. A bunch of goons gut-punch your girlfriend and drag her off to their lair. You have to fight through swarms of enemies to get her back.

Gameplay:

If you were going to compare this game to the other versions of Double Dragon I've played, I'd say this more closely resembles the arcade game than anything. It's a straight up beat 'em up. There's no platforming segments like in the NES game. You simply go from left to right, beating up enemies until you get to the end of the stage, where you fight a boss. Then you move onto the next stage. There are four stages in total. I'd say each one takes no more than ten minutes to get through.

The gameplay itself is questionable compared to the other versions of the game. I never had any trouble in the other Double Dragons with punching and kicking my enemies. It's a bit more challenging here, as the hit detection is not always perfect. Also, you can never seem to string a series of hits together against the enemy. You know, the ol' left, right, uppercut three punch combo. The enemy almost always will hit you in the middle of this and break it up. I found that the best thing was to run up, sneak a punch in, and retreat. And then just keep doing this over and over again. If there are weapons to pick up, like bats, whips, or boxes - use those and spam the heck out of them. But otherwise your best bit is the same attack and retreat combo that worked for me.

You can jump kick by pressing kick and punch at the same time, but I found this to be very tough to pull off in this game, for some reason. I mainly ignored this attack, although it does come in handy if you are surrounded and need to knock an enemy down. If you can get it to work.

Enemies do a TON of damage against you. I figured this out right at the beginning of the game, when I died fighting the first wave of enemies they throw at you. How embarrassing. I got used to this after a while, though, and adjusted my strategy. That is why attack and retreat is so important. Because the enemies' attacks are so strong.

As I said, the game is only four stages long and does not take too long to complete. What is interesting about this game, is that it has unlimited continues through the first three stages. I actually did not know this when I was playing through the game, and was trying my best to not die or take any damage. I did not want to get deep into the game, run out of lives, and then have to start over again. Turns out I had nothing to worry about.... for the first three stages that is.

In stage four, the final stage of the game, you suddenly do not have unlimited continues. If you hit a "game over" screen, it is game over for good. Then you must start the game over again. If you come into the last level with no lives, you are basically screwed. It's worth it to die at the end of stage three, continue, and then come into stage four with all of your lives.

The final stage of the game is hard AF, and I wound up having to use save states to cheese my way through it. I know, it is not exactly an honorable way to play the game. But as I've said in other reviews where I have had to use save states: I'm a dad. I work all day. I have an hour or two TOPS to play games each day. I have to maximize that time. I can't be playing Double Dragon for days on end, trying to beat it "the normal way". I'm sure I could have if I had the time to do so. But I just don't have the time, especially if I want to get around to the other games in my backlog. That's just the way things are for me right now.

Graphics:

This is the one area where I agree that the Master System version is better than the NES version: the graphics. It's like a hybrid between the NES and the arcade game, with things slightly favoring the arcade version. It's not necessarily a pretty game, but it is bright and colorful and it emulates the arcade version probably as closely as the Master System was capable of doing.

is that Rick Astley?

Sound:

The music and sound effects here are fine. I prefer the more raw, in your face music of the NES game. This is more like the "muzak" version of the soundtrack. It's fine, I suppose. But it really does nothing for me.

Overall:

This is a decent game. If you can get past the janky hit detection and adjust your gameplay accordingly, you should have a fun time with this. For the first three stages, at least. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to beat this game without continuing in stage four, and without using save states. I'm sure it can be done, but it probably takes a shit ton of trial and error.

I'd put this below the NES version, and somewhere equal to the arcade game. It's been a while since I've played the arcade version. I remember liking it, but I also remember feeling that it is a generic, run of the mill beat 'em up that (aside from name recognition) doesn't really do a whole lot that's unique. This version is right on par with that. Maybe it is a little better?

Oh yeah, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that this game offers a two player co-op mode, which the NES version does not. So it has that going for it. Not that I ever play with two players. But if that's your thing, I'm sure that it might be enough to sway you over to this version of the game than the NES. But the NES will always reign supreme for me. I gave that game an A when I first reviewed it. Both the arcade and the GBA versions got a B from me. While I literally just said that I like this maybe a bit more than the arcade version, I am actually going to give it a C+. It's an above average game, but am I ever going to circle back and play this again? I can't see that happening. The arcade version? For sure I will be returning to that version someday. So there you have it.

THE GRADE:

C+

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Video Game Review #556: Tetris

Tetris

Nintendo Entertainment System

Nostalgia Factor:

Ah, Tetris. I'm surprised I have made it to 556 game reviews without reviewing this game. It was a big part of my childhood, as it was with many kids who grew up in the 80s and 90s. That said, I never actually owned Tetris. My friends had it. My stepbrothers had it. Everyone I knew had it. So even though I didn't actually own it, I had every opportunity to play the heck out of this game. Which I took full advantage of.

Even after my childhood passed, Tetris stayed in my life, as I had two different serious girlfriends who had an NES and also this game. 

I haven't played Tetris since I broke up with them, which was almost 20 years ago. That's crazy. I have played a few other variations of Tetris, like Tetris Worlds on XBox. I also played a mobile version of Tetris on my flip phone later on in life. But the OG Tetris? Haven't played it since the early 2000s.

Time to remedy that.

Story:

This is a straight up puzzle game with no story elements to speak of.

Gameplay:

I don't think I've ever encountered a Tetris hater in my 42 years of life. Do they exist? Are they out there? I'm sure there are, but there are so few for a reason: this game rocks!

The premise of the game is simple. Different colored shapes made out of blocks fall from the top of the screen. These shapes come in seven different varieties, and are each composed of four individual blocks. The goal is to stack these shapes so they form a solid line across the screen. Once you do so, the line disappears and anything stacked on top of it drops down one level. Each line you make earns you points. You can't really beat the game, you are just playing for a high score. The more lines you make, the more points you earn. Be warned, though, if you allow your stack to get so high it reaches the top of the screen, you lose and have to start over. To make things difficult, the game gets faster and faster as you make more lines. If you start on level zero, for example, you'll notice how slowly the shapes descend. On level ten, they drop like a freaking brick.

The game gives you a number of different levels to start on. So you can start with things slow and easy, while gradually working your way up to a higher difficulty, or you can start right off the bat on a higher difficulty. Beginners should start on a lower level, but once you get used to the game you should start at least a five or six, as higher levels earn more points. And that is really the goal of the game - to get the highest score.

Aside from getting a high score, the main goal whenever I play is to get a "Tetris." There is a shape that is a straight line made out of four blocks. You want to create your stack so that you can drop the straight line down and create four complete horizontal lines in the process. If you do so successfully, you create a Tetris. The screen flashes, your stack drops down four levels, and a large number of points are added to your total - many more points than you would get if you had just made four lines individually.

This game requires a lot of strategy and advance planning. One of the shapes that drops is a block, so you have to make sure you have a flat landing space for the block to land. Otherwise, you have to drop it and create a gap underneath the block that can be hard to remove. Likewise, there are two different "Z" and "L" type shapes, both pointing in the opposite direction from one another. These are ideal for stacking on corners of things. But again, you have to plan in advance, or you may have nowhere to drop this shape. If you panic and make a mistake, your stack is going to get buried quickly and you are going to find yourself in big trouble. You can be in the middle of a perfect run, and one mistake can almost instantly end your game.

For such a simple concept, I didn't realize this game would be so hard to describe!

No Tetris conversation is complete without someone bitching about how the game does not give you enough straight lines. Your whole goal is to create a structure that is set up to drop a straight line next to it, so you can create a Tetris. I can't tell you how many times I have had things set up perfectly, and the game just flat out refuses to give me the piece I need, and then I get screwed over. It happens nearly every time I play this game. It is like the game does it maliciously. I'm sure everyone who has ever played Tetris has said something similar. "Give me a straight line! That's all I need! Just one. No, not a block. No, not a Z. No. Not an L. A line! Give me a freaking line! Come on!!! Are you serious?"

Graphics:

This game does not look like much. That said: I don't care. It is perfect for what it is. Everything is bright and vibrant. I like how the color of the shapes change when your level changes. I like the little scenes that play when you encounter a game over. It's just a charming looking game, with charming presentation. It oozes retro goodness from every pore. I know the game doesn't look beautiful. It's never going to win any graphical awards or anything like that.

But I'll repeat: I don't care. I will never care.

Sound:

I've been chomping at the bit to get to the Sound portion of this review. I am in love with this game's music. There are three different songs to pick from as you play. The default song is my favorite, but I generally will play all three at some point whenever I fire this game up. Just like the graphics, they ooze charm and retro nostalgia. I would not change a single thing about this game's music. Which is good, because you are going to be listening to it a lot. I also like how the music speeds up when you get closer to the top of the screen. It really is enough to send you into panic mode.

Sound effects are few and far between. You hear a sound when you flip your piece. You hear a sound when the piece hits the ground. There's a sound when you get a Tetris. Nothing too special, but again: iconic. I would change nothing about this game's music and sound effects.

For your enjoyment, I made a little play list of the game's three main musical numbers. Enjoy.

Overall:

Let's be real. This game is going to get an excellent score from me. It looks good, it sounds good, it was wildly influential, and it is one of the most addicting games I have ever played in my life. Every time I turned this game on for review purposes, I'd think it would just be for a few minutes. And then I'd look up at the clock and see that three hours had passed.

It's as close to a perfect game as you can get. All these years after its initial release, Tetris is still being played in one form or another. Is Tetris the single most-played video game in human history? It is very possible. This is an easy A+ for me. One of the easiest A pluses I have ever given.

THE GRADE:

A+

For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click

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Video Game Review #555: Superman

Superman

Arcade

Nostalgia Factor:

When I was a kid, my family would often take me out to the bowling alley with them. I had no interest in bowling, so I would spend most of my time in the arcades, hanging out and checking coin slots for quarters. I rarely had enough money to play more than a game or two, so much of my time was spent watching the looping demos on each machine or watching other people play. One of the games I would often keep my eye on was Superman. I was not a huge Superman fan at the time, but I always thought the game looked pretty cool. I liked the side scrolling shooting stages. Did I ever actually play the game? I don't know! If I did, it was for no more than a minute or two, since this game is a big time quarter eater.

Now that I have the means to play the game on my Retropie, I figured I'd finally come back and give it a shot. Superman for the arcade. Is it any good? Let's find out.

Story:

I'm not sure this game has a story? When you let the arcade unit play, without putting a quarter in or touching anything, there is nothing story related that comes up on the screen, like with most arcade games. All you get between gameplay demos is a still image of a bald green guy holding the planet Earth in his palm.

When the game starts, again - nothing is explained. Clark Kent jumps into a phone booth, changes into Superman, and he takes to the streets to start punching out bad guys. You play through a series of levels until you get to the final boss - the green guy from the intro. Once you defeat him, the game ends. You get an end screen that says:

Their actions saved Earth. There's no time for rest until evil ceases to exist on Earth. Earth will need them sometime in the future.

Their actions? Is Superman nonbinary now? I think the game just assumes you beat the game in two player mode. But I didn't. I played in single player mode. Huh. And that's about it. Superman flies through New York City, oh excuse me - Metropolis - as the sun sets in the background. The credits roll.

Deep. Very deep.

Gameplay:

This is an easy game to pick up and play. It is similar to other beat 'em ups, but instead of walking up and down on a 3D plane, you fly up and down. You punch and kick your enemies. They punch and kick you. The only real challenge is in the game's hit detection, which is not always great. Once you make it through the first side-scrolling stage, you enter a vertically scrolling stage. This acts just like the other beat 'em up stage, except scrolling upwards instead of left to right. Again, you punch and kick enemies as you rise through the city. Beat this stage, and you enter a 2D shooter stage where Superman fires eye-lasers at his enemy. Beat this stage, and you move onto chapter two.

Each chapter is exactly the same: side scrolling stage, vertically scrolling stage, 2D shooter stage. There are five chapters to play through. Beat chapter five, you beat the game.

Gameplay is simple enough. The beat 'em up stages are actually pretty easy. It is the shooter stages that are the most annoying. The stages themselves aren't too bad, but the boss fights are annoying AF. They are wars of attrition where you can easily hit your enemy, but can't avoid his attacks. So you are basically just trading damage. This is where I lost the most quarters. There's no strategy involved. These stages are designed to cheaply kill you over and over again so you put in more money. I was not a fan at all.

The game as a whole was... fine. I played on my Retropie. I don't know how many times I was forced to put in a virtual quarter, but it was quite a bit. It probably would have taken about ten dollars to make my way through this in an actual arcade. And most of that is because of the cheap boss fights.

Is this game fun to play? Kind of. It was a curiosity from my childhood and I am glad I played it. But I doubt I'll ever be playing it again.

Graphics:

The game looks okay. Superman looks good. The city looks good. I like the sunset and the view of the Metropolis skyline during the game's ending.

The negative? The enemies are just generic, palette swapped characters with no personality, which is emblematic of the game itself. It is severely lacking in any type of personality whatsoever. The stages are dull and repetitive. There are no real standout graphical moments. It is a very basic looking, low effort type of game. Not that it looks ugly. Just very uninspired.

Sound:

The arcade rendition of the Superman theme song is fairly well done. The rest of the music and sound effects are completely forgettable. Again - emblematic of the game itself.

Overall:

As you can tell, I am very "meh" on this game. It isn't bad though. In fact, it is a completely inoffensive and playable game. It is just very average. From the graphics, to the music, to the gameplay, everything is average. So guess what score it is going to get? I want to give it lower than a C, because of just how forgettable the game is. Better games than this have gotten lower scores than a C. But I just feel like it does everything SO average, that a C is perfect for it. Average effort from the game developers = average score from me.

Now that I've had time to think about it, I walk back what I said earlier in the review. I might play this game again someday... if my son is interested when he is old enough to play two-player games. He might enjoy this. As a solo venture, however, I am completely uninterested in ever playing this again.

THE GRADE:

C

For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click

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2025 Things: January

1.1: Watched 1 episode of Squid Game (2.07). Listened to 1 episode of The Losers Club (Kingfluencer Ad Hoc Committee: Why We Cover Stephen King). Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Friday the 13th Franchise Review Pt 1). Listened to 1 episode of Retrograde (Mister Mosquito). Listened to 1 episode of the Stephen Kingcast (ep 224). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (26.09). Finished video game: Battletoads (arcade).

1.2: Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (26.10 and 26.11). Watched 30 for 30: That Magic Moment. Watched movie: Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga. 

1.3: Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (26.12 and 26.13). Listened to 1 episode of the Stephen Kingcast (ep 70). Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.02). Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (2025 Dynasty RB Rankings). Watched movie: Threads.

1.4: Watched 1 episode of Batman: The Animated Series (His Silicon Soul). Listened to 1 episode of Fantasy Football Happy Hour (12.30.24 ep). Watched 1 episode of Wyatt Earp and The Cowboy War (1.01). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.03). Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (26.14 and 26.15).

1.5: Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.03). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.04). Listened to 1 episode of Staff Picks (Session 9). Listened to 1 episode of Arcade Attack (ep 194). Listened to 1 episode of Retrograde (Earthworm Jim 2). Listened to 1 episode of Worth it or Worthless (ep 8). Watched movie: Saw X.

1.6: Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.05). Listened to 1 episode of the Losers Club (Rose Madder). Listened to 1 episode of Unsolved Mysteries (The Girl with the "S" Tattoo). 

1.7: Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.04). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.01). Listened to 1 episode of Retrovaniacs (ep 6). Watched movie: Predator.

1.8: Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (2025 Dynasty Receiver Rankings). Listened to 1 episode of Losers Club (Breaking Down The Stand Miniseries Teaser Trailer). Watched 3 episodes of Survivor (27.02, 27.03 and 27.04). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.06).

1.9: Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.05). Listened to 1 episode of the Stephen Kingcast (ep 225). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.07).

1.10: Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.05). Listened to 1 episode of Retroblast (Metroid Prime). Finished video game: Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.06). Watched 1 episode of Jerry Springer: Fights, Camera, Action (1.01). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (1.08).  Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (Lessons Learned From Last 3 Rookie Drafts). Listened to 1 episode of Arcade Attack (ep 195).

1.11: Watched movie: Terminator Salvation. Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (27.06 and 27.07). Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.07). Watched 1 episode of Wyatt Earp and The Cowboy War (1.02). Watched 2 episodes of House of the Dragon (1.09 and 1.10). Listened to 1 episode of the 7th Rule (ep 259). Watched 1 episode of Batman: The Animated Series (Fire From Olympus).

1.12: Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Gaming (Ep 49 Part 2). Listened to 1 episode of Staff Picks (Just Friends). Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Friday the 13th Franchise Review Pt 2). Listened to 1 episode of Post Show Recaps (House of the Dragon Series Premiere "The Heirs of the Dragon"). Watched 1 episode of Jerry Springer: Fights, Camera, Action (1.02). 

1.13: Listened to 1 episode of Fantasy Football Happy Hour (1.6.25 ep). Listened to 1 episode of The Losers Club (Casting 1987's It Movie That Never Was). Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.08). Listened to 1 episode of Ear Biscuits (ep 47). Listened to 1 episode of Arcade Attack (ep 196). Listened to 1 episode of Sega Saturn Shiro (Editor's Corner ep 13). Listened to 1 episode of Unsolved Mysteries (Why Kill Betty Jane?). Listened to 1 episode of The Cartridge Club (ep 135). Listened to 1 episode of the Retrograde (Magic Johnson's Fast Break NES). Watched movie: Terminator Genisys. 

1.14: Watched 3 episodes of The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live (1.01, 1.02, and 1.03). Listened to 2 episodes of The Cartridge Club (CC Weekly #85 and CC Portable #9). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.08). Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.09).

1.15: Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.10). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.09). Watched 2 episodes of The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live (1.04 and 1.05). Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (2025 Dynasty Startup Mock Draft 1.7.25). Watched movie: Session 9. Watched 1 episode of Wyatt Earp and The Cowboy War (1.03).

1.16: Watched 1 episode of The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live (1.06). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.10). Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.11). Listened to 1 episode of The Losers Club (Nightmares & Dreamscapes Pt. 1). 

1.17: Watched 1 episode of The Amazing Race (14.12). Listened to 1 episode of the Retrograde (Lemonade Tycoon 20th Anniversary). Listened to 1 episode of Stephen Kingcast (ep 67). Listened to 1 episode of Worth it or Worthless (ep 11). Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (27.11 and 27.12). Watched 1 episode of American Primeval (1.01). Listened to 1 episode of Unsolved Mysteries (Who Killed Kia?).

1.18: Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.13). Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (7 players you must stash for 2025). Listened to 1 episode of Retronauts (ep 647). Watched 3 episodes of Wyatt Earp and The Cowboy War (1.04, 1.05, and 1.06). Listened to 1 episode of Fantasy Football Happy Hour (3rd Annual Peacocky Awards). Watched 2 episodes of American Primeval (1.02 and 1.03).

1.19: Listened to 1 episode of the 7th Rule (ep 260). Listened to 1 episode of Staff Picks (Shakespeare in Love). Listened to 1 episode of Sega Saturn Shiro (Editor's Corner 14). Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Ep. 40 Pt. 1). Finished video game: Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. Finished video game: Paperboy (NES). Watched 1 episode of American Primeval (1.04).

1.20: Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Ep. 40 Pt. 2). Listened to 1 episode of Arcade Attack (ep 197). Listened to 1 episode of The Losers Club (Nightmares and Dreamscapes Pt. 2). Listened to 1 episode of The Cartridge Club (CC Weekly #86). Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Gaming (Post Holiday Edition: Top 5 AVGN Episodes Season 3). Listened to 1 episode of Post Show Recaps (House of the Dragon: Rob and Josh Discuss the Series Premiere). Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (Rookie Stock Report - 2024 NFL Draft Class Review). Watched 1 episode of American Primeval (1.05). Watched 1 episode of Batman: The Animated Series (Read My Lips).

1.21: Watched 1 episode of Survivor (27.14). Listened to 1 episode of Ear Biscuits (ep 48). Watched 1 episode of American Primeval (1.06). Listened to 1 episode of The Losers Club (Nightmares and Dreamscapes Adaptations). Listened to 1 episode of Staff Picks (Major League).  

1.22: Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (27.15 and 28.01). Watched 1 episode of Killing Eve (3.02). Listened to 1 episode of Retroblast (Pokemon Snap). Listened to 1 episode of Killing Eve: Post Show Recaps (Season 3 Premiere). Watched 1 episode of Batman: The Animated Series (The Worry Men). 

1.23: Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (28.02 and 28.03). Listened to 1 episode of Arcade Attack (ep 198). Watched 1 episode of Killing Eve (3.03). Listened to 1 episode of the Stephen Kingcast (ep 226).

1.24: Listened to 1 episode of Retrovaniacs (ep 7). Listened to 1 episode of The Cartridge Club (ep 136). Listened to 1 episode of the Losers Club (Nightmares & Dreamscapes: From the Stories of Stephen King TV Review). Watched 2 episodes of House of the Dragon (2.01 and 2.02). Listened to 1 episode of Fantasy Football Happy Hour (1.20.25 ep). Listened to 1 episode of Killing Eve: Post Show Recaps (Season 3, Episode 2 Recap). Finished video game: Yar's Revenge. Finished video game: Superman (Arcade). Finished video game: Tetris (NES).

1.25: Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Top 5 MST3K Episodes + Indie Movie Review). Listened to 2 episodes of Retronauts (Micro Episodes 18 and 19). Listened to 1 episode of Retrovaniacs (ep 8). Listened to 1 episode of Ear Biscuits (ep 49). Watched movie: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Watched movie: Commando. Watched movie: Annihilation. Watched movie: Guillermo Del Toro's Pinnochio. Listened to 1 episode of Unsolved Mysteries: Sunshine on the Run. Listened to 2 episodes of Ronstadt (ep 1 and 2). Watched 1 episode of Rings of Power (1.01).

1.26: Watched movie: Dune Part One. Listened to 1 episode of Sega Saturn Shiro (Editor's Corner ep 15). Listened to 1 episode of Collateral Cinema (Trailer Park Boys and Wayne's World review). Finished book: Red Dragon. Finished 1 episode of Staff Picks (EdTv). Watched 30 for 30: Bad Boys. Watched movie: Tomb Raider (2018).

1.27: Watched movie: Hellraiser. Watched 2 episodes of House of the Dragon (2.03 and 2.04). Listened to 1 episode of Blackout (1.01). Listened to 2 episodes of Retronauts (Micro eps 15 and 17). Listened to 1 episode of the 7th Rule (ep 261). Listened to 1 episode of Post Show Recaps: House of the Dragon (1.02 recap).

1.28: Listened to 1 episode of Fantasy Football Happy Hour (1.25.25 ep). Listened to 1 episode of The Cartridge Club (ep 54). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (28.04). Watched 1 episode of Killing Eve (3.04). Watched 30 for 30: Killing Time. Listened to 1 episode of Killing Eve: Post Show Recaps (Season 3, Episode 3 Recap). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (2.05).

1.29: Watched 2 episodes of House of the Dragon (2.06 and 2.07). Listened to 1 episode of Killing Eve: Post Show Recaps (Season 3, Episode 4 Recap). Watched 1 episode of Survivor (28.05). Listened to 1 episode of the Losers Club (Breaking Down The Stand Miniseries Trailer). 

1.30: Watched 3 episodes of Survivor (28.06, 28.07, and 28.08). Listened to 1 episode of The FF Dynasty (s8 ep 120). Watched 1 episode of House of the Dragon (2.08). Watched 1 episode of Killing Eve (3.05). 

1.31: Listened to 1 episode of Staff Picks (Who Framed Roger Rabbit). Watched 1 episode of Killing Eve (3.06). Watched 2 episodes of Survivor (28.09 and 28.10). Watched 2 episodes of Batman: The Animated Series (Sideshow and A Bullet for Bullock). Finished video game: Taz in Escape From Mars.

32 episodes of Survivor watched.

16 episodes of House of the Dragon watched.

11 episodes of Amazing Race watched.

14 movies watched.

9 episodes of The Losers Club played.

8 video games finished.

8 episodes of Post Show Recaps played (4 for Killing Eve and 4 for House of the Dragon).

7 episodes of The FF Dynasty played.

6 episodes of Staff Picks played.

6 episodes of Collateral Cinema played.

6 episodes of Batman: The Animated Series watched.

6 episodes of The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live played.

6 episodes of Wyatt Earp and the Cowboy War watched.

6 episodes of The Cartridge Club played.

6 episodes of American Primeval played.