I moved recently, and when I moved I discovered this VHS tape in my attic, simply labeled in black marker: Howard Stern. It should say, more specifically: The Howard Stern Radio Show. This was a television show that aired late at night on Saturdays on CBS back around the turn of the century. The show mainly consisted of naked chicks and inappropriate jokes and interviews. I recorded the contents of this tape back in 1999 when I was 16 or 17 years old for, uh, scientific reasons. Definitely not for the naked chicks. Anyway, I figured this tape should count as canon in my VHS mix collection, so I watched the whole thing and I wrote down the contents of it. Since this tape was recorded before Funny Mix #1, I decided to label it as VHS Tape #0. It's like a prequel to my vast collection. The grand daddy that birthed a whole generation of VHS tapes. Anyway, let's get to the contents of this tape, shall we?
Past VHS Tapes:
TAPE BEGINS
Howard interviews the cast of VIP, and brings in a girl to kiss Pamela Anderson.
*Quick cut to Howard interviewing Donny Osmond and they talk about oral sex.
Back to the VIP interview. Howard asks the girls sexual questions and takes phone calls from listeners. One of them calls Pam a slut.
Quick clips of interviews with David Lee Roth, Mister T, Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee, Roseanne, LaToya Jackson, Donny Osmond. James Brown, Robert Duvall, and Richard Lewis.
(00:40:28)
Howard holds a contest where a bunch of weird ass dudes compete to win sex with a porn star named Houston. The winner of the contest is a black man in a Charles Woodson jersey who can't climax during sex. He goes back to Houston's place, but she is on her period, so she can only blow him and not have sex with him. He climaxes this time.
(01:22:42)
Howard interviews Robin Givens. He talks about her relationship with Mike Tyson and other celebrities she's had sex with.
Crackhead Bob goes to Graceland dressed as Elvis and irritates a lot of people.
Hero of the Stupid. Steve Martin is asked offensive questions and answers them professionally.
Jason Alexander interviewed. He talks about going bald at 17 and of course answers sex questions.
World's Greatest Ass contest, which is briefly interrupted by a news report on 3 soldiers being released from captivity in Kosovo. That would put the date this part of the tape was made as May 2, 1999.
Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf films the opener for the Howard Stern show and repeatedly messes up.
Julian Lennon quick interview.
More Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf outtakes.
Porn star Chasey Lain quick interview.
More Hank outtakes.
Sammy Hagar interview. They discuss Eddie Van Halen and his bizarre behavior.
The World's Greatest Ass Contest continues. The girl who claimed to have the world's best ass is dissed by Howard for having creases under her cheeks.
Jackie and Gary (Baba Booey) get into a fight about money. Howard sings a song about Gary's teeth called Lysterine, set to the tune of Glycerine.
(01:45:27)
David Arquette interviewed. He discusses his sexual relationship with Courtney Cox.
Filthy 3D Joke Man: Why is a pizza delivery man like a gynecologist? They can smell it but they can't eat it.
Woman who claims to have the world's biggest breasts comes on the show and is made fun of for her weight. Once that settles down, her husband Hans comes in and lightens the mood. The woman gets naked and shows her boobs off.
Christian Slater's dad is interviewed.
Hero of the Stupid. Don Cornelius is asked if he hates Jews like Farrakhan hates Jews. He gets upset at the interviewer for asking a racist question.
Jon Stewart interviewed. Howard's crew asks people on the street if they know who Jon Stewart is and nobody has heard of him. His lack of fame is discussed during the interview. One radio caller confuses him with Jon Lovitz.
Guy named Mize (sp?) eats bugs.
Hero of the Stupid. Cindy and Joey Adams. Joey is asked how many times he has seen Halley's Comet, but he can't understand the question.
Matt the Giant AKA Bigfoot brings his girlfriend on the show, and the two are interviewed.
Frank Stallone and Don Swayze are interviewed and asked about how if feels to be not as famous as their brothers.
Howard prepares to throw bologna and cheese at the ass of Solitaire the sex slave.
(02:11:10)
Prostitute named Anastasia has sex with nerdy virgin and his grandfather.
Bob Saget interviewed.
Solitaire bologna toss continued.
Hero of the Stupid: Sidney Poitier is asked racist questions and he laughs them off. Kathleen Turner is asked gross questions.
Debbie Matenopoulos interviewed. Howard kisses her stomach, and her intelligence is insulted when she can't answer a bunch of basic trivia questions.
Hero of the Stupid: Fiona Apple is interviewed on the red carpet and asked inappropriate questions and is offered a container of chicken wings.
Marty the Midget wrestles Tiffany Taylor round two. Apparently I missed round one.
Donna D'Errico reads off a piece of paper for a Stern radio show promotion.
Round three of the wrestling match. Tiffany loses to Marty.
Woman named Skylar has her body evaluated by a panel of weirdo judges called the Evaluators.
Nicole Bass, a manly body builder, introduces the Stern show after the commercial break and laughs creepily.
The Evaluators continue evaluating Skylar's body. She is then brought in to see a plastic surgeon who tells her what kind of work she needs to have done.
Downtown Julie Brown is interviewed after she does Playboy. Howard looks at the magazine while she is being interviewed and makes her uncomfortable. A caller calls in and says he is pleasuring himself to her image while on the phone.
The Erectile Dysfunction Game. Howard lines his crew up in front of a penis doctor and he has to guess which guy has ED. He guesses wrong, because KC is the guy with the problem and he is the one the doctor says looks the most healthy.
Filthy 3D Joke Man: What are three lies a cowboy likes to tell? The truck is paid for. I've stopped drinking. I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
Stripping comedian is interviewed on the show. Fat Benjy the intern is given money to come in and kiss her. He takes off his shirt and wipes his sweaty armpits with the shirt and grosses everyone out.
Miss Nude World past and present.
(02:43:32)
Make Me Gag. Man farts in the face of the crew and tries to make them gag. The only one he is successful with is Jackie.
Hero of the Stupid: Mia Farrow's ex is asked about Woody Allen.
Dave Grohl interviewed and sings Everlong acoustic.
Phantom of the Colon comes on the show and attempts to impress Howard with his ability to fart multiple times on demand, but is caught and called out for using a farting machine to cheat.
Song about staffer Scott Salem, who is a chain smoker. The song is called Brown Fingers and is set to the tune of Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones.
Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is interviewed and Howard is impressed by how handsome her boyfriend is.
Jim J. Bullock is interviewed on the street and talks about drug addiction and anal sex.
Howard Stern's Queen for a Day. Women with small or ugly breasts compete to win plastic surgery paid for by Howard.
Filthy 3D Joke Man. Something about two lesbians in a waiting room? I couldn't understand what he was saying because the air conditioning took this moment to come on and I didn't have the remote handy to rewind it. Whatever.
Ron Howard interviewed and he talks about his marriage and how he has only slept with one woman.
Vanilla Ice refuses to read off a script because it disses other rappers.
Gary's teeth are once again discussed. They don't think he brushes thoroughly enough, so he walks them through his brushing routine.
Howard interviews a woman who has a museum about nuts. Actual, edible nuts. Howard keeps making jokes about testicle nuts and she doesn't quite seem to pick up on this.
Hero of the Stupid. Harrison Ford says he has the biggest schlong in Hollywood.
William Shatner reads an audio introduction for the show.
Joe Frazier falls down.
Howard talks about how he accidentally stepped in poop with his boots and tracked it through his house. He then has one of his staffers clean his boots.
Odd, spaced out woman who kind of looks like Cher is interviewed. Howard points this out and she says it is funny because she feels she was recently spiritually contacted by Sonny Bono. She gets into a bikini that can barely contain her boobs.
Clip from an old Brewers game where they are leading the Philles 5-0. David Weathers starts warming up in the bullpen. Matt Vasgersian is one of the announcers.
Clip from some random show that I don't know.
Queen of the Day contest continues, and a radio call-in listener tells them they should be put into wood chippers.
Norm MacDonald interviewed and does his Bob Dole voice. Two girls who like him come into the studio and give him kisses. Some guy is with Norm and I think it is Artie Lange.
KC takes a lie detector test to determine if he is gay or not because he passed up a threesome opportunity with two women. He fails the test.
A winner in the Queen of the Day contest is crowned. Both her and the runner-up show their bodies and how terrible they are.
Hero of the Stupid. Chevy Chase is asked if he started hiding his guns after Phil Hartman's wife killed him, and he gets offended by the question.
Full introduction to the show is recorded, for the first time on this tape.
William Shatner is interviewed and they discuss how hated he is by his Star Trek costars. A crazed fan is brought in to talk to him and Shatner seems disgusted by his obsession level.
Filthy 3D Joke Man: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor? Everything was looking a little fuzzy to him.
Playmate Karin Taylor is interviewed. She talks about her relationship with Bill Maher, and Howard hits on her.
Damon Wayans is interviewed and he talks about his recent colonoscopy. After the interview, he uses the bathroom and doesn't wash his hands, and then proceeds to shake hands with several people on his way out.
(03:39:32)
Red Peters sings The Ballad of a Dog Named Stains.
Kennedy of MTV fame is interviewed. She says that James Woods came on to her and wanted her to dress as a schoolgirl and sit on his lap at a hockey game. She also talks about how she stayed a virgin until the age of 23.
Eminem interviewed. He talks about growing up in Detroit and how he speaks like a black man. He also talks about he has never gotten good oral sex in his life.
Hero of the Stupid: Brian Dennehy. Brian is barely asked any questions before he cops an attitude and walks away.
Marianne the intern licks Benjy's armpit.
Stone Cold Steve Austin is interviewed and discusses how he tried to pursue Yasmine Bleeth, but they had no chemistry. A man calls in to insult Stone Cold, and Stone Cold gets pissed and threatens him.
James Garner interviewed on the street and he gets pissed at the reporter and says he is going to deck him and stick the microphone up his butt.
Gross rock band starring a morbidly obese man (who proceeds to get naked and dance) hooks up with two hot girls, one of whom is a virgin.
Dirty Deeds Darren Wyse comes on the show with his wife and girlfriend. Howard makes them kiss.
Howard does a phone interview with a man who has a museum in his basement dedicated to menstruation. Howard makes a lot of period jokes, and the man laughs hysterically.
The band Sugar Ray interviews with Howard and they talk about how they wear protection when on tour. Mark McGrath says he hasn't slept with many women because he has a small wiener and not much stamina. Also of note: one of the band members is wearing a Brett Favre jersey.
Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) comes on the show and talks about how she lost her virginity to Tom Jones, whose penis was so large it sent her to the hospital.
Filthy 3D Joke Man. Man walks into the store and wants to buy toilet paper. When asked what color, he said give me white. I'll color it myself.
Bernard Goetz, the subway vigilante, is interviewed.
Sheryl Crow comes on the show and sings My Favorite Mistake.
Dan Akroyd is interviewed at some fancy event and throws a fuss and throws the report out of the event when she asks him about his "enormous penis".
(04:11:10)
Joe Frazier falls down. Again.
Alison Eastwood, Clint's daughter, is interviewed. Howard thinks she is hot and hits on her.
Filthy 3D Joke Man tells a stupid polar bear joke that's too long to repeat.
Howard brings a black woman who is a big fan on the show and compliments her booty. She won't take off her clothes though, even after she told him she'd show him her bare butt. She backs out last minute.
An old video tape from Baby Booey surfaces where he is trying to make up with an old girlfriend. A bunch of fans pay to come in and watch the video on the air. Baby Booey, with his curly Ron Jeremy hair and mustache, is eviscerated and called pathetic by everyone watching. He does seem quite desperate in the video, but also oddly demanding at the same time.
Marcel, who claims to be a hermaphrodite, comes on the show and is interviewed. He says "yeahhh" a lot. They take him to get a makeover and he really enjoys it. After the makeover, he hits the street for some feedback and people are supportive of him.
Woman comes on the show with bigger boobs than the woman who previously came on the show that was featured earlier on this tape.
Animated short where radio caller claims to have lost his penis. Stuttering John then proceeds to talk to a therapist about when he got his penis stuck in a zipper.
Supermodel James King comes on the show and Howard hits on her. She is quite attractive.
Riley Martin, a guy who kinda looks like Morgan Freeman, comes on the show to talk about his encounters with aliens. He claims to have had sex with the aliens, and even has a book about them called The Coming of Tan.
Filthy 3D Joke Man. An old man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has cancer and he has Alzheimer's. The man says thank god I don't have cancer!
Bryan Adams comes on the show and sings It's Only Love while hot chicks dance.
(04:47:29)
Three porn stars are interviewed by Howard.
Donny Osmond is asked inappropriate questions at a book signing.
Joe Frazier falls down for the third time.
High school guy takes porn star Houston to his senior prom. The whole segment isn't shown right here, it is shown off and on throughout the rest of this episode.
Mystery guest James Caan comes on the show.
Woman comes on to the show to see if she should get breast reduction surgery or not. Howard says no.
Animated short about how Howard would never go to Asia because he is too tall and they would call him Godzilla.
(5:07:03)
Porn star Wendy Knight judges a panel of three men to determine who has the saddest story. The winner gets to go on a trip to a porn resort. Overweight virgin wins.
Three women evaluate the looks of an annoying caller who calls in every day to call Howard Pinocchio. Howard is judged more attractive.
Snoop Dogg is interviewed and says that he started smoking weed at seven years old. Rapping Granny (Fruity Nutcake) comes on and sings a song for Snoop.
Freaky Feud. Three Penthouse pets compete in a Family Feud-like game against three mentally handicapped guys. The Penthouse Pets win, unfortunately. I was rooting for the guys!
Pimp comes on the show to judge some women by their looks and tell them how much they could earn on the street.
Joe Pesci is asked irritating questions on a golf course.
Ione Skye interviewed.
More of the Joe Pesci interview.
(05:32:15)
Filthy 3D Joke Man tells a joke about a man puking in a taxi cab.
Heather Kozar, 1999 Playmate of the Year, is interviewed. She talks about Hugh Hefner, dyeing her pubic hair, and her husband Glenn.
More Pesci.
Baba Booey and Benjy compete in a wrestling match.
Melissa Gilbert interviewed.
Hero of the Stupid. Scott Glenn is asked offensive questions and gives the reporter sass.
Danni Ashe, founder of a very profitable porn website, is interviewed. She shows off her boobs.
More of the Scott Glenn interview.
Animated skit about Gary's teeth surviving a nuclear blast and getting discovered by aliens in the future.
Filthy 3D Joke Man. A man sees a lady walking down the street and says "hey, there's a tampon in your mouth!" The lady says "oh no, what did I do with my cigarette?!"
The crew pranks Howard by bringing a man on the show who says he does cosmetic plastic surgeries and boob jobs on kids.
This is interrupted by standup comedy clips from Last Comic Standing. I didn't record this. Last Comic Standing didn't air until 2003, and I recorded this tape in either 1999 or 2000. Who recorded this??
Back to Howard Stern where his guests play a lesbian blind dating game.
Howard gets pissed because Baby Booey accidentally calls someone and wakes them up on the radio show when they have no idea what is going on.
Rapping Granny sings a song.
Back to the lesbian dating game. Kim wins sex with Nikki Tyler and Jenna Jameson.
God damn it, more Last Comic Standing and this is the last thing on this tape. How did this happen??
*I just realized I forgot to write down "When Robin Attacks." It is somewhere on the last hour or two of this tape but I am not going to go back and find it. In the clip, Robin freaks out because the guests always use her personal stash of Half and Half for their coffee because the people in charge always forget to buy it for the guests.*
END OF TAPE
In retrospect, it was quite interesting coming back and watching this thing that I recorded back when I was 16 or 17 years old. A lot of the humor hasn't aged well. Lots of inappropriate sexual and racial jokes are made that definitely would NOT fly nowadays. But it's a fun little time capsule and I liked watching it.
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