I don't really need to do this anymore since you can find basically anything online or on YouTube. But I am still meticulously going through each tape and posting my findings on this blog so that I have a permanent record of what is on these tapes. And hopefully once I get through all 50 or so of these I will never have to do it again.
START OF TAPE
(00:00:00)
Tape starts off in the middle of some MXC clip with a bunch of guys in football shaped uniforms chasing after girls. It cuts out after like 30 seconds though.
JKX
- Jamie plays a lifeguard who calls everyone out of the pool because he needs to leave for a bathroom break. In front of everyone, he goes into the pool, pees, gets out, and then says that the pool is now open again.
- A guy tricks his parents into thinking he is marrying a cross dresser (who is really Jamie Kennedy in drag). The parents are freaked out and start drinking heavily. The mom is especially upset. She tries to drag the son out of the wedding several times.
- Jamie plays a card dealer who's mouth is wired open after surgery. He drools all over the place and no one can understand him. The players are clearly weirded out.
(20:56)
Howard Stern
- Matt the Giant is interviewed. You may remember him from the movie Big Fish. There is a segment with Matt on Maury Povich on tape #26.
- Porn star has sex with an old man and his grandson. The old guy is hilarious.
- Interview with Bob Saget
- Hero of the Stupid: Sidney Poitier and Kathleen Turner
- Interview with some dumb chick who was fired from the View way back in the day
- Fiona Apple is interviewed on the red carpet and asked dumb questions.
- Nicole Bass, the world's champion female weightlifter promotes Howard Stern. She's really manly and ugly.
- Dirty 3D Joke Man
- Guy farts in the face of Howard and his crew to see if he can make them puke. The guy has performance issues, and Jackie is the only one bothered by the smell.
- Hero of the Stupid: Sir Andrew Previne, whoever the hell that is
- "Brown Fingers" musical score about that guy who works in the studio and chain smokes all day
- The crew talks about Gary's brushing habits. They follow him into the bathroom with a camera, and there are all kinds of gross closeups of him flossing and stuff.
- A little sweet old lady who runs a museum about nuts is interviewed and asked silly questions. She seems oblivious.
- Hero of the Stupid: Harrison Ford
- KC is given a lie detector test to determine if he is gay or not
- Robin flips out because the guests keep using up her Half n Half
- Chevy Chase is asked an inappropriate question regarding the death of Phil Hartman and he gets pissed
(49:14)
JKX
- Jamie plays a waiter at a restaurant who just had jaw surgery. He drools everywhere, no one can understand him. Yeah, yeah. We just had a segment like this.
- Judge Jamie: Young man sues his friend for messing up his car while off-roading
- Jamie is a businessman who tricks a young man who is new to the job. He asks him to pretend he's gay to cover up an affair he's having behind his wife's back.
COPS
- Van is pulled over by the police for speeding and not signaling. The driver has a curly mullet, and drugs are found in the car. He claims he'll get out of this jam easily because he's disabled and has a good attorney.
- Old black man with cornrows and a few others are arrested for selling drugs to an undercover officer.
- Police respond to a domestic violence call. The lady who originally called slams the door in the officer's face and is arrested for interference. The male half is nowhere to be found. That's it.
(1:17:07)
AFV
- I Can't Dance music montage of people falling
- Little girl eats candy when she's not supposed to and gets scolded by dad. "I don't know!"
- Music montage of people getting hit by baseball bats
- Slow walking graduating kids
- Cat climbs a staircase upside down
- Two people in a row mess up horribly while bowling
- Guy with a mullet has a dog tied to his fake leg while throwing a football around. The dog runs away and takes the leg with him. This seems staged to me.
- A series of clips where the narrator names each clip with a movie title
- Cat attacks child and beats on his head.
- Two dirty kids are in a stroller at Disney. One of them yells "Daddy!!!" and apparently it's funny.
- Ape rubs its butt in the face of another ape.
Howard Stern
- William Shatner is interviewed. A rabid Star Trek fan is brought in and shows off all his collectibles. Shatner seems disgusted.
- Filthy 3D Joke Man - "Why did the gyneocologist go to the eye doctor? Everything was looking fuzzy to him!"
- Red Peters is brought in and sings Ballad of a Dog Named Stains
- Eminem interviewed
- Hero of the Stupid: Brian Dennehy
- On her last day, an intern agrees to lick Benjy's armpit to get on the show
- James Garner is asked offensive questions and he flips out on the reporter. He gets so upset, it's funny. He grabs away the microphone and asks "Do you want this stuck up your butt?"
- A band with a really fat member comes onto the show. They bring two hot chicks along, and one of them is a virgin. They both want to sleep with the band. The fat guy gets naked and spreads his cheeks for Robin.
- Howard interviews a man over the phone who runs a museum dedicated to menstruation. He runs this museum from the basement of his house. Creepy. Howard asks him all kinds of silly questions, and the man laughs repeatedly.
- Howard interviews the subway vigilante, Bernard Goetz
- Dan Akroyd is asked silly questions at a charity event and calls for security. He gets really pissed and has the interviewer thrown out.
(1:40:56)
JKX
- B-Rad asks his sister's husband if he can move in with them
- Jamie plays a guest star on some WB show that has Harold from Harold and Kumar, and the dorky guy who poops in American Pie. He is supposed to be tricking the actors by stealing their lines, but it turns out that he was being Xed and they were in on it.
- Jamie plays a TV show producer documenting the life of a real family. Everyone is in on it but the dad. The girl is dressed like a slut even though she's underage. Jamie rigs the show by changing family members out and scripting things to get a rise out of the dad.
- A man is tricked when his girlfriend agrees to sleep with Jamie Kennedy for a million dollars. Jamie keeps lowering the amount of money until it gets down to five dollars, and she still says yes.
Anti marijuana TV commercial where a guy takes advantage of a girl at a party
(2:04:57)
COPS
- A white trash guy who kinda looks like Val Kilmer in Tombstone is arrested for smashing maliboxes. He was mad at his girlfriend. The girlfriend arrives to talk to the police, and she is carrying a white cat.
- A black man is wrestled to the ground in front of his house after running from the cops. During the struggle, he throws something to one of his family members, and they grab it up before the cop can react. A shotgun is found in the abandoned car.
- Another man is arrested in front of his house. His obese sister tries to throw the cops off him while he's being arrested and she gets pushed away and nearly arrested herself.
- Man is arrested while stealing from a warehouse. The security guard who originally spotted the man and called the cops is the highlight of this clip. She looks like white trash and has a mullet. Reminds me of Debb Eaton.
Mr Rogers clip on PBS. In this clip, he meets with a paralyzed kid in a wheelchair. They sing "It's You I Like". We then cut forward to present time. The kid is grown up, and presents Mr Rogers with an award on stage.
People on the street are asked easy questions by a game show host, and they give silly answers.
(2:31:20)
High Times at Colleen's
- I won't go into too much detail here. I don't think it's safe! Basically, this is a homemade video shot at my ex girlfriend Colleen's birthday party. After the party clips end, it cuts to a hilarious conversation in the bedroom. Let's just say lots of craziness ensues. This is when I had blonde hair. Best home made video ever. That's all I'm gonna say.
(2:58:28)
Family Matters. This is the episode where Urkel helps Laura run for class president. Harriet becomes head of the neighborhood watch, making Carl jealous.
*there is a Maury Povich clip in the commercials where a groom is made over shortly before his wedding*
Step By Step. This is the episode where a camera crew moves in and documents their life. They are doing a TV special on blended families. At first things are fine, but then lots of fighting ensues and is caught on camera.
(3:41:55)
COPS
- A couple of black children steal snakes from their school, and are tracked down and arrested by the cops. One of the kids has a gun. The mom is put into hysterics and freaks out that it isn't fair.
- Cops fish a bunch of stolen cars out of the water. After they are done with this, they catch a man stealing a car and arrest him.
- A group of hooligans breaks into a house. A crazy old toothless black lady lives there and had inherited all this alcohol when someone who owned a liquor store died. That's what the goons were after. The lady didn't even know she was being robbed. She comes to the door and was all like "I was asleep!!!"
- A woman kicks a man out of her house and throws his clothes out the window. He won't leave, so the cops come and arrest him. He's drunk.
- Guy is arrested for breaking into and sleeping in an abandoned house.
- Police respond to reports of a fight at a Shell station. In the lot, a crazy white guy attacked a black man who was giving directions, and the black man stabbed him in self defense.
- Eccentric old white man who kind of looks like Milky from Me, Myself, and Irene stops an animal patrol vehicle that is taking in a wounded bird. He doesn't want the bird to be euthanized. The police come and settle the dispute.
- Two female cops come to the site of a fight and arrest a man who tries to run away.
- Man is arrested for breaking into a house.
(4:22:45)
Girls Behaving Badly
- Wedding designer sees signs that the groom in the wedding is gay, and the wife to be is oblivious
- Woman is tricked when she shows up at a party and no one else does. It's awkward. She's stuck hanging out with the host, who she doesn't even know. The host seems oblivious that no one is there, and she parties and gets wild like nothing unusual is happening.
- People at a mall are blindfolded while volunteering to test out a new face massage product. It turns out that while they are blindfolded, a vibrator is actually being rubbed on their face. When the blindfold comes off, they freak out.
- Lady with a freakishly long and abnormal prosthetic toe tries out sandals at a shoe store. They film the employee for her reaction.
(4:40:30)
MXC - Almost Live. This one has white people instead of Asians, oddly. Greeks vs Geeks. Tony Hawk and some skater chick make guest appearances.
- Wallbangers
- Sinkers & Floaters. One of the contestants is a fat guy who wears a shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia." LOL. There's also a chick with huge bouncing breasts.
- Window Pain. Chip Babaganoosh is the last to go on this segment. He sticks it!
- Log Drop. Tony Hawk and the chick both attempt Log Drop and make it through without falling. They make it look easy.
(5:17:00)
Ellen. Jamie Kennedy is interviewed. They also show a clip of one of his Xings (a Miami Dolphins player), but the tape goes bad and you can't tell what's going on. Jay Williams, Jason Taylor, and Adewale Ogunleye are in this clip. Afterwards, Jamie and Ellen trick a few old ladies in the audience by asking them to dance eccentrically.
\
COPS
- Police are called to a domestic dispute between two overweight lesbians. One of them has blood on her and claims she ran into a wall.
- Small little black child is arrested for stealing a bike and he starts crying. He says his friend put him up to it. So they go visit the friend and tell the boys that they can't hang out anymore. And then the first boy is released. Hopefully he learned his lesson.
- Police come across a dead body. It had been beaten up, stabbed, and run over. What a way to go out! The murderer is tracked down and arrested. It's a Mexican guy. He rats out his buddies at the police station.
- Crazy suicidal Mexican guy threatens to swallow a razor. The police follow him around the block and eventually knock the razor away and tackle him to the ground. He lives.
- Police come to settle a fight between two cracked out black lesbians. One of them complains that she let her girlfriend move in along with her son, because the son had been assaulted and needed somewhere to stay. The son started breaking stuff in the apartment and that caused the fight.
- Man and woman are arrested in a parking garage. Apparently they had been trying to either steal a car or leave without paying. It's never really determined. They put up a fight and resist.
- Psychotic angry lady is pulled over for speeding and she throws a huge fit and has a terrible attitude. She makes a fool out of herself basicaly. She's really bitter and mean, and I don't like her.
END OF TAPE
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