Wednesday, March 23, 2022

The Beatdown: Ranking all 12 podcasts I follow from best to worst

Podcasts have been dominating my life the last year or so. Whether I’m watching over my little baby, hanging out at home, or driving in my car, I’ve usually got an earbud or two plugged in and a podcast going in the background. Since ranking things is something I absolutely love to do when I’m invested in something, I figured I’d take the time to rank the podcasts I’m listening to, from best to worst. Are you ready for this epic smackdown? I sure hope so. Let’s start off with #1, and let the drama ensue!


#1:
The Survivor Historians Podcast
Hosted by Mario Lanza, Jay Fischer, Mike Bloom, and Paul Asleson

 
This is the podcast that kicked things off for me last year. One of my favorite activities during the warmer months was to take my baby out for long walks in the neighborhood. At first, I just walked and pushed the stroller without listening to anything, but after a few weeks of doing this I figured I’d check out a podcast or two to keep my mind occupied. I brought this idea up on Facebook and someone suggested to me The Survivor Historians podcast since I was such a big fan of the show. And that’s what I did. I started at the beginning, a combination episode that talked about several seasons. The podcast immediately hooked me because two of the hosts were people I’d encountered in the online Survivor community – Mario Lanza and Beatles (who never returned to the podcast after the very first episode).

As soon as I started this podcast I knew instantly I was going to be a big fan. Listening to the hosts talk about a subject I loved and seeing their sense of humor and chemistry with one another got me hooked right off the bat. I liked the fact that they spoke openly and that they weren’t necessarily PC like everyone tends to be these days. I loved the talk of BJs in Borneo and old ladies falling and Zoe deepthroating Snickers bars, and all that fun stuff.

As I continued to listen to the podcast, I began to feel more and more like I knew and was friends with the hosts, and I was just a silent observer during their conversations - which is a sign of a great podcast. Early in the podcast’s run they held a contest for a new host when one of them moved to Germany and couldn’t participate anymore. It’s too bad I was several years too late because I would have loved to audition!

The podcast got me reinvested in the show, too. Initially I didn’t have any plans to rewatch Survivor from the beginning since I had just finished a ten-year rewatch in 2020. But the podcast got me so interested in the older seasons that I fired them up and followed along.

I made it all the way through Survivor Panama (Exile Island) before winter came. I was going to keep listening to the podcast, but it “wasn’t the same” listening to it at home or in the car. I associated it with walking the baby, which obviously wasn’t happening during the frigid winter months. So now I am on hiatus from both the podcast and my rewatch of the show. I plan to resume both when the weather gets warmer and I can start taking the baby out again. Cook Islands, here we come!

The break actually turned out great because in the meantime I’ve discovered Australian Survivor and I’ve been obsessed with that for a while now. I anticipate that once I’m all caught up with that show, it will almost be summer time and I can return to US Survivor and the Historians podcast once again.

See, everything does have a way of coming together in the end.
 

#2:
Worth it or Worthless: A Retro Game Podcast
Hosted by Dan and Jordan

Worth it or Worthless is the second podcast that I started listening to, which was shortly after I began the Survivor Historians. It’s funny that they are 1 and 2 on my list. You always think fondly upon your firsts, amiright?

In this podcast, the two hosts (Dan and Jordan) play through an old game from Dan’s retro collection, talk about what the game does and doesn’t do well, and then make the determination if the game is worth it or worthless by today’s standards – according to what the game is selling for in present times. I like the dynamic between Dan and Jordan, two life long friends. Dan is the one who grew up more of a “hardcore” gamer, while Jordan is more of a casual gamer. A lot of the games they play are co-op, and one of the running jokes is how Dan is always so much better at the games. Another running joke I enjoy is how Dan usually has some well thought out criticism of the games, while Jordan tends to nitpick the cutscenes and the lore of each game. Dan’s exasperated sigh followed by the way he simply says “Jordan” when Jordan starts one of these rants is always just so funny to me.

One thing I love about this podcast is how much it has improved since it first began. The very first episode of the podcast was from August of 2018. Where I am now in the podcast (episode 47) it is July of 2020. In those two years, they’ve added things like trivia questions and listener feedback – and each episode ends with some fun music inspired by or directly pulled from the game they just played.

While I don’t agree with their assessments of every game (they say Mario 2 and Sonic 3 suck… wtf?), I do love the banter between the two hosts as they share their memories of the game and then what their thoughts were after they played it again in present times. Often when determining if a game is worth it or not, they’ll compare it to the price of a burrito at Chipotle and whether or not the game would be worth playing against the cost of a burrito.

This is a super fun podcast. It’s sweet, it’s charming. Dan and Jordan’s long-lasting friendship is evident in the way they talk to each other, and it makes you want to be friends with them as well. Funny – even though I’ve been listening to them for nearly a year now I still have no idea what either one looks like. I definitely recommend this to anyone interested in retro gaming podcasts.

 

#3:
The Retrograde: A Video Game Podcast
Hosted by Andrew Bascom and Mikey Ehrenworth

 

This is another podcast I started listening to in 2021 as I would take my baby for a walk each day in his stroller. I’m not sure what led me to this podcast – I think I just searched for “retro video games” in Podbean, and boom The Retrograde came up. Admittedly, I wasn’t sold on this one immediately. The hosts seemed a little too “spastic” for me. Very high energy, almost as if they were trying too hard to be entertaining. Each podcast starts with the hosts bantering for about 20 to 30 minutes before they actually get to talking about the game in the episode’s title. For example, in one of the first episodes of this podcast they talked about the new Jumanji movie along with some other strangely off-topic things before they ever got to the actual game they were supposed to be reviewing itself. This was a little off-putting for me. A few of the earlier episodes were completely non-game related too. They’d talk about Marvel movies and they’d rank them in order of worst to best, they held a Pokemon fantasy draft, that kind of thing.

The premise of the podcast is that they pick a retro game to play – and then they give it a ranking (based solely on nostalgia) of what they would have ranked the game when it first came out. Each score is somewhere from a 1 to 4. Since there are two hosts, the highest possible total is an 8. Then they play the game and again give it a score of 1 through 4, this time based on playing it in the present times. So the score is out of a possible 16 points, or bits as they like to say.

The thing I don’t like about this podcast is how harsh they are on some of these older games. According to these guys, Star Fox 64, Wolfenstein 3D, Sonic the Hedgehog, and many other games that I would consider “classics” suck. They always say that the controls are outdated and make the games impossible to play. I can tell you from personal experience: I have played through all three of these games in the last few years and I think they are just as good now as they were before. I didn’t have any problems with the controls whatsoever. In a way, it almost seems like they are blaming the game for them sucking at the game. I know, I know. If they ever actually read this post they will probably deny this, but hey I call it like I see it.

Despite this, I still absolutely love this podcast. While I once considered their energy “spastic” it has now begun to grow on me as a listener. These guys are absolutely hilarious, and even if I don’t always agree with their verdicts on these games, I still can’t wait to see what they have to say about them. A running gag that I enjoy is when they talk to “Producer Elliott.” In the early episodes they’d always ask this mysterious individual questions, to which they’d get no response. Then they’d joke about Producer Elliott being asleep. As the podcast has went on, Producer Elliott has actually turned into a real person (what sounds like a woman) and they find creative ways to get her involved in the podcast – like researching and looking things up on the spot. I don’t know why, but I just always really enjoy these interactions.

Andrew and Mikey still occasionally do off-topic things (like they recently had a Street Fighter character draft, and they’ve been talking a lot about “new” games like Spider Man and God of War) but that doesn’t bother me either. I look forward to listening to these podcasts and genuinely get excited when I fire up a new one. If I had made this ranking just 3 or 4 months ago, this podcast likely would have been several spots below where it is now. But it is rising fast.

Another thing for me to get excited about is that even though I’ve only listened to 24 of their podcasts, they have published over 200 of them in real time. So I just have a TON of them to listen to. That’ll give me and Mikey and Andrew even more chances to “bond” in the upcoming years. I am so, so excited about that. Don’t be surprised if this podcast moves into my top 2 at some point in the future.

  

#4:
Collateral Gaming Video Game Podcast
Hosted by Ashley and Dakota Chancellor

 

This is another podcast that I randomly found while searching Podbean for gaming podcasts. Apparently this is an offshoot of a different podcast called Collateral Cinema – and they often have Collateral Cinema people on these episodes - most notably Bo, a guy who who sounds drunk half the time and who never actually plays any of the games. He just said in one of the last podcasts I listened to that he was born in 1982, which is funny because that's my birth year as well. Happy 40th, my dude. I am not familiar with Collateral Cinema on the whole, however, and have not listened to any of their podcasts yet. Maybe I will in the future?

What is different about this podcast from the other gaming podcasts I listen to is that it is not solely focused on retro games. They’ve had episodes for games like No Man’s Sky, The Last of Us, Spider-Man, Red Dead Redemption 2, Subnautica, PT: Silent Hills, among many other games that I would consider new or newer.

While these hosts may not be as charismatic as Dan and Jordan or Mikey and Andrew, they make up for it in their knowledge and passion of the games they play. So many of these games I have absolutely zero interest in playing or replaying, but the way they talk about them completely changes my mind. I also enjoy how we get small little details into the lives of the hosts, like when Ashley became a father (which is poignant for me because I recently became a father too) and other life events that are happening with them. It makes you think more of them than just some person who solely exists to make podcasts. They have their own lives and things happening outside of this. They also say at the start of nearly every episode that it is a 420 friendly podcast, which makes me chuckle a bit.

There’s no inside jokes or really anything that makes this podcast stand out from the 3 that are ahead of it on my list. I guess I can add that one thing I really enjoy is how they often intersperse long clips of cutscenes from games throughout the podcast. My favorite example of this is when they played the audio from the Last of Us intro, when Joel’s daughter dies. Way to make me cry in my car, guys!

If you simply want to listen to a bunch of guys talk about video games, then this is the podcast for you. There’s just something comforting  about these episodes that I love. It’s become my “drive home from work” podcast that I listen to every week.

Oh before I move on, to answer a question you had in one of your podcasts: no you don’t have Texas accents – at least from my Wisconsin-based viewpoints. You all just sound like any other people.

 
#5:
The Leftovers – Post Show Recaps
Hosted by Josh Wigler and Antonio Mazzaro


Hey, a podcast that isn’t gaming related! I just finished watching through the Leftovers for the first time about 2 months ago – and I absolutely loved the show. It may go down as one of my top 5 TV shows of all time, I loved it that much. I wasn’t quite ready to move on from the show (irony anyone?) so I searched through Podbean to see if there were any podcasts dedicated to the Leftovers. And that’s how I discovered this one.

From what I can gather, this isn’t the first time these hosts have worked together. They’ve periodically mentioned their recaps of the show The Strain, as well as being in some kind of podcasting network where Rob Cesternino is involved. Kind of funny, because Rob Cesternino was a guest on the Survivor Historians once – and I am also aware of “Rob Has a Podcast” although I have never listened to it before. It may be one of the first podcasts I have ever heard of (period) so kudos to you, Rob, for being a trendsetter. I tried adding Rob has a Podcast to my Podbean queue, but it doesn’t start from the very beginning so I took it off. I’m one of those people that won’t watch/play/listen to something unless it’s from the very beginning. It’s an OCD thing, I think.

ANYWAY, this is a really great podcast. I like the chemistry between the two hosts. Antonio sounds exactly like a guy I work with named Ed, so I can’t get Ed’s image out of my head when listening to this podcast, almost as if Ed was a host himself. I love listening to their progression as they’ve gone from “The Leftovers is okay” into season two where they now seem to be huge fans of the show. They’ve offered a lot of insightful commentary on the show and they’ve brought up Easter Eggs and things happening in the background that I never would have noticed before (which is one of the main reasons I started listening to this – so yay for that!).

I love their humor. They make me laugh so much each episode. Their enthusiasm for “The BBA” aka the Big Bald Asshole aka Dean is just hilarious to me for some reason. I remember Dean had been AWOL for a few episodes in season 1, and when he returned they were all excited like “It’s the BBA! Our buddy! I missed him, did you miss him?”. That made me laugh so much. My only complaint is that they agree on everything, always. I can’t count how many times one of them says “I think you’re totally right” each and every episode. It would be nice to see some conflict or differing opinions from time to time, but I am not going to whine too much about this.

Fantastic podcast, and I always look forward to listening to more. If you are curious where I am right now – I am on the recap of Season 2 Episode 4.
 

#6:
Arcade Attack Retro Gaming Podcast
Hosted by Keith, Adrian, Dylan, and James


I’ll admit, I absolutely hated this podcast when I first started listening to it. I almost removed it from my subscriptions completely, but I am glad I didn’t. The earlier episodes were a bit chaotic as they hadn’t quite figured things out yet. The audio was bad, people were talking over one another, they were making references I didn’t understand, and their British accents reminded me too much of Dan and Phil – a couple of YouTubers my wife was unhealthily obsessed with several years back.

The more I listened to this podcast, the more it began to grow on me – to the point where I now look forward to listening to each episode. I love the personal stories these guys share, like what games and what systems they grew up with. The conversation is just really genuine and heartfelt. I think they even realized about 20 episodes in that they hadn’t introduced themselves or explained who they were when the podcast first started, so they dedicated an entire episode around themselves and their gaming histories. I really liked that, and I think that episode was the turning point for me becoming a fan of them.

They are funny, they’re knowledgeable, and if I recall correctly they are about the same age as me (I was born in 1982) so they grew up with a lot of the same games that I did. I’m terrible with names, but one of the hosts has this really soft and comforting voice that I like to listen to. I love their intro music, and I also love how they use “Game over yeaaahhhhh!” from Daytona USA at the end of each episode.

I’m only on episode 28, and this podcast has 244 episodes currently available on Podbean. I’m curious to see where these guys will rank by the time I’m all caught up (which at my rate will be about 8 years).



#7:
Cartridge Club: The Game of the Month Podcast
Hosted by P1 and P2


Apologies for not knowing the actual names of the hosts. Are they ever referred to by their real names on the Podcast? I have no idea. All I know is that P1 sounds like my favorite YouTuber – somecallmejohnny. Every time I listen to this I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s really him in charge of the podcast, even though I know it is not.

This podcast took me a little while to get used to. The premise is not explained at all, you just have to figure it out as you listen. But apparently there is an online community called, you guessed it, The Cartridge Club, that collectively decides to pick a game to play each month and then at the end of the month they talk about the game for the podcast. P1 and P2 (who I think are brothers?) are the two mainstay hosts, but each episode the cohosts are different. I think there are up to 2 or 3 guests each month. What I love about the Cartridge Club is that each of these guests are highlighted every episode, and you get to find out about them and how you can find them online. Some have YouTube channels, some are streamers, some have blogs, etc. So this podcast is a good way for them to put their names out there, and I freaking love that. I’d love to be a Cartridge Club member one day, but again – my OCD dictates that I listen to these in chronological order before I do anything.

This podcast has really opened my eyes and has made me want to play some games that I previously had no interest in playing before. Each episode runs a bit on the long side, however. It feels like I’ve been listening to this podcast for months now, but I was shocked when I looked at their listing that I am only on Episode 13. Craziness! I thought for sure I was at least up to 20. And this podcast goes all the way back to 2015, so assuming they put one out every month it is going to be a loooooong time before I am ever caught up. I’m not complaining though. The more Cartridge Club episodes I can listen to, the better.
 

#8:
The Losers’ Club: A Stephen King Podcast
Hosted by a bunch of people whose names I don’t  remember


I’m a massive Stephen King fan, so when I started listening to podcasts last year it made sense I’d seek out a King cast or two to add to my rotation. The Loser’s Club ended up being my first.

I enjoy this podcast a lot. The premise is that the hosts are reading through each King novel in order of publication, and then they spend an entire episode (or in some cases multiple episodes) dissecting the book. They look for Kingisms – which are basically recurring Stephen King tropes and phrases. They look for connections to his other works. My favorite section is always the “poundcake” section where they talk about King’s awkward sex scenes, sex references, or just other strange things in the book as they relate to poop, pee, and other bodily fluids. At the end of each episode they rate the book on a scale of 1 to 5 bright red Pennywise noses. I just finished the episode on the Dead Zone, which is the first novel to earn a perfect 5/5 from all the hosts. I don’t remember that book being so good. Makes me want to go back and read it again.

In fact, this whole podcast makes me want to revisit King’s works. I’ve read each of his books at least 2 times in my life (some of them like the Stand I’ve read 5 or more times) so it really says a lot that they are able to get me so interested in revisiting them. I love how seriously they take King, and how they defend him as being more than just a horror writer. I’ve been saying this for years so I definitely feel their struggle. There is so much more to King than people give him credit for.

I also like how they make note of King’s progress as a writer, and things that he seems to have learned from one book to the next. It’s really fascinating to listen to, in a way. The only reason this podcast doesn’t rank higher is once again because of the length of some of these episodes. For example The Stand was broken up into three parts, and each of these parts was three hours or more long. That’s like nine hours of listening to people talk about the Stand, which got a bit tiring for me. The hosts also come across as a bit pretentious sometimes. I can see them getting up on stage and reciting King quotes with the lights dimmed at some kind of campus book reading.
 

#9:
BoxTrick: A Retro Gaming Podcast
Hosted by ???


I just started listening to this podcast not too long ago. I don’t even know the hosts’ names yet, nor could I tell you really anything about their personalities – or if it is even the same people each week. 

All I know is that this is a retro gaming podcast where each episode isn’t necessarily based around one game. An episode title might be something like PS2 Hidden Gems or Best Tactical RPGs – and then they talk about a number of games that fall under these umbrellas. I love this because all my other podcasts tend to linger for a long time on each and every game they talk about – whereas this one is rapid fire jumping from game to game to game. I’ve been keeping a list of games they’ve talked about that I haven’t played yet that sound interesting to me. There are a bunch of really short episodes that range from 20 to 30 minutes long, so this podcast really feels like it moves along quickly. There are some longer episodes as well.

The only reason this doesn’t rank higher is because like I said I haven’t been listening to it for very long. I’m only 9 episodes in. I also don’t feel like I know anything about the hosts or their personalities. That’s one of the things that makes podcasts addicting is being able to vibe with the hosts, and I feel like BoxTrick has a lot of room to improve in that area.

 

#10
Stephen King Cast
Hosted by Constant Reader

 
I’m kind of getting tired of writing this ranking, so I’ll just touch briefly on the podcasts at the bottom. This podcast is similar to the Loser’s Club in that it follows King’s works in the order of publication. The host reads a summary of the book, discusses his feelings on the book, and then moves on. Sometimes he talks about each book's movie and TV adaptations as well. 

This one ranks so low for me because it’s only one guy doing the podcast, and you can tell he’s just reading each podcast from a document he’s probably prepared in advance. There’s no humor. There are no cohosts to vibe off of. It’s just one guy reading from a piece of paper. I also feel as if the insight into these books that he offers isn't as deep as what you would get in The Losers Club. For example, the Losers dissected the Long Walk and offered many different meanings/interpretations of the book, whereas this podcast was just like "I don't think this book really has much to say" and that was it.

It sounds like I’m being a little harsh on this guy. Obviously, I wouldn’t listen to this podcast if I didn’t like it. It’s just not my favorite podcast in my rotation. This morning I listened to his Dead Zone adaptation episode, and the way he was so enthusiastic about it and was talking about Christopher Walken was quite charming. More episodes like this, please, and maybe you'll move up on my list.


#11
Serial Killers
Hosted by Greg Polycn and Vanessa Richardson


When I first started listening to podcasts I wanted to really dive into some good true crime series, but apparently the selection on Podbean is quite limited. So I picked Serial Killers.

I can honestly say this is one of my least favorite podcasts. There are a lot of ads that play at the beginning and randomly in the middle of the podcast. The two hosts are kind of dry and lifeless. You can tell things are scripted and they’re not naturally “vibing” which is a word I like to use. Instead, they’ve prepared the podcast in advance and are just reciting what they’ve already written.

I didn’t know you could make serial killers boring, but this podcast manages to do the trick. Of all the podcasts in my rotation, this is the one I’ve zoned out on the most. A whole episode will play and I’ll have no idea what just happened. Aside from a few standout episodes this podcast has consistently been one of my least favorite. I’ll keep listening, but I don’t think its stock is going to improve anytime soon.

Random observation: to me, the man in this podcast sounds like the voice of the researcher who reads from the Necronomicon in the first Evil Dead movie. So it has that going for it.

 
#12:
Sega Saturn, SHIRO!
Hosted by Patrick, Dave, and Kay (Ka? K?)


Here we go, the least favorite podcast in my rotation. I first taught myself how to emulate Sega Saturn games a few months ago. This is one of my favorite gaming consoles of all time, and no one ever talks about it, so I wanted to see if there was a podcast dedicated to the Saturn. This is the one podcast that Podbean was able to find for me.

What I don’t like about this podcast is that they don’t spend enough time talking about the actual games for the Saturn. The hosts are big on modding and importing. They’re always talking about chips and processors and all these technical things that mean absolutely nothing to me. I swear someone brings up soldering in each and every episode I’ve listened to so far. That’s my beef with this podcast. It’s too heavy on the technical and too light on the actual games themselves. Also, the main host sounds like a pimply Slim Shady wannabe who hates Mr. Bones, and one of the cohosts has this annoying habit of sucking in his breath before every sentence. It is tough to listen to sometimes.

I’ve only listened to 7 of these episodes, and I don’t know how much further I can make it before I drop it from my rotation. I don't want to do that, because I listen to this podcast for Saturn recommendations. I just wish they talked about the games more.

(late edit: I just looked up a YouTube video of Patrick and he is completely different from what I pictured. Sorry about the pimply Slim Shady comment. It's funny how you picture someone in a podcast when listening to their voices sometimes)




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Friday, March 18, 2022

Video Game Review #347: Cloak & Dagger

Cloak & Dagger
Arcade




Nostalgia Factor:

Cloak & Dagger is a game I had never heard of before, based on a movie I had never heard of before. I'm not sure what prompted me to pick this game up and play it and review it as part of my Mop Up Duty review tour, yet pick it and play it I did. The whole purpose of this little project of mine is to expand my horizons and check out some games I had never heard of before, so I just went with it.

Would this game (that I had absolutely no info or experience to go on) be any good, or would it turn out to be a poor choice? Read on for my full thoughts.




Story:

Cloak & Dagger is loosely based on the 1984 film of the same name. In this game, you play as a secret agent whose mission is to infiltrate an enemy base, retrieve a set of stolen plans, and escape the base while it blows up behind you. Like I said, I haven't seen (or even heard of) the movie, but reading a Wikipedia summary of the movie it seemingly has nothing to do with the game at all. So I feel pretty safe saying that this game is loosely based on the film.




Gameplay:

The presentation of this game is a little unorthodox. I'll admit, when I first started playing this game I had no idea what I was looking at and no idea what I was supposed to be doing. It takes place from an overhead perspective. Mainly, you start out on the left side of the screen and you have to figure out how to make it all the way to the right. Using your gun, you can shoot enemies and obstacles, clearing the way for you to make a break to the right side. Be careful, however, as you die with one hit. Enemy projectiles are constantly flying your way, and if you so much as touch an explosive barrel it is lights out for you. Making things complicated are moving walkways that can mess with your sense of direction, as well as bottomless pits  that will kill you if you fall into them. You have to hurry, as well, because each level has a bomb in the center of it. If you take too long, the bomb will explode, its explosion radius lethal to you if it touches you. On my playthrough I had a ton of close calls where the bomb would explode, and I'd race into the elevator on the right just in the nick of time to avoid the explosion.

Once you complete a stage, a short cutscene shows your character riding an elevator down one floor deeper into the facility. The stolen plans are on the 33rd level. Or would that be the negative 33rd level? Whatever. I don't really care. Once you reach level 33 and collect the secret plans, you then have to ride the elevator up all the way back to the surface. The trip up is a lot more difficult than the trip down, however, as most of the stages are filled with narrow walkways and bottomless pits that will kill you instantly if you fall into them. The game does give you the option to hold the up button while on the elevator to skip some stages, which is nice. I think the game would have been way too long and tiring if you had to play through so many stages on your way up.




Graphics:

The game doesn't look fantastic, but you have to remember that this came out in 1984 - 38 years from the date of this review. Your character, as well as all the various enemies and stage obstacles, just look like little colorful shapes moving around on the screen. The colors for the game are a bit garish as well, making things hard to look at sometimes.

Where Cloak & Dagger stands out visually are the little cutscenes in-between stages where your character is riding on the elevator. I like the little touches, like when you narrowly escape a bomb your character's hat will be smoking like it was singed, and the line separating the closed elevator door will turn red because of the heat from the other side. All kinds of funny animations flavor these elevator rides, and I have to say that it adds a ton of personality to the game. In a couple of years when I will have forgotten everything about this game, the one thing I WILL remember are the funny little elevator scenes.




Sound:

There's not a whole lot that stands out about this game's sound. I guess one notable thing is that there is STAGE MUSIC, which is something that's been lacking from some of these early 80s games I've been playing recently. Other than that, the game's sound effects are your pretty standard loud beeps and bloops that were so popular in this era of gaming.




Overall:

Considering I had absolutely no expectations coming into this game, I came away from it pleasantly surprised. I was a little put off at first by the game's visual style, but once I got used to it I discovered that this was a perfectly playable and fun game. What sets it apart from the other early 80s games I have reviewed lately? There's stage music. There's clear, defined level progression. There are cutscenes (if you can call them that) between stages. And most importantly: it has an ending! That's right, this is a game that can actually be beaten as opposed to just playing for a high score. Aside from Dragon's Lair, this is the first game I've played from this era that can actually be beaten.

It may sound like I'm heaping praise onto this game, but let's not get too ahead of ourselves here. It's one of the best games I've played on my little review tour, sure, but that really isn't saying much. Compared to other games I've played and reviewed in the past, such as Ocarina of Time, The Last of Us, Horizon: Zero Dawn, etc - this game is absolute rubbish. I didn't grow up with this game, so I have no sentimental or nostalgic feelings attached to it. I would have missed absolutely nothing if I had just skipped over this game and played something else instead. Am I glad I played this game? Yeah. Did I have fun with it? I did. But will I ever play it again? Probably not.

Because I had a relatively good time with this game, I'm going to give it a C+. It's not a strictly average game, since I did enjoy it a bit more than that. But I don't think it is anywhere near good enough to score in the B range. So it will have to settle for a score of slightly above average. People who grew up with this game probably think that's too low. People who grew up playing modern games probably think that's too high. But for me - it's perfect.



THE GRADE:
C+



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Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Video Game Review #346: Frogger II: Threedeep!

Frogger II: Threedeep!
Atari 2600




Nostalgia Factor:

Back in 1984 I was two years old, most likely running the house around causing lots of mayhem as a toddler. But as a two year old, I was far too young to be able to play video games, or even have a decent understanding of how they worked. Even though I’ve come back and played a ton of retro games since  then, there are still several old games that have managed to slip past my radar. That’s why I’m doing this little yearly review tour – almost as a kind of mop-up duty for all the good things I’d missed as a kid.

Unfortunately, Frogger II is not one of those good things. Now, I’ve played the original Frogger many, many times in my life. I even did a review of the Genesis version of the game a couple of years ago – and I really liked it. But this second game… man. It’s brutal. If there are other versions out there I’ll have to check them out someday. This Atari 2600 version, though.

*sigh*




Story:

If this game has a story, I don’t know anything about it as it is never explained in the game. You play as a frog looking to find safety through sea, air, and land – and that’s all I know.



 
Gameplay:

There are three different level types to be found in this game.

The first level type is an underwater stage. I found this stage to be the easiest and most enjoyable to play. It's basically the equivalent of navigating through traffic in the first Frogger game. You have to dodge and weave your way through a bunch of underwater creatures while avoiding getting pulled away by a current. Make it to the top of the stage and enter one of the little mud frog huts and you win.

The second level type looks the most like what you would have seen in the first Frogger game. You're on the surface of the water and you have to jump across floating logs, lily pads, and other obstacles in order to get to the top of the screen. Once you get to the top, you have to wait for a tugboat to come by, and then hop into the little raft it is tugging in order to complete the stage.

The third level type is a giant mess. You have to bounce up into the air and jump from bird to bird in order to reach the exit point at the top of the stage. It's so difficult and the controls are so bad that I have never been able to pass one of these stages, ever.

The only stage types that are even remotely playable are the underwater levels, and even those get old real quick. I wanted to like the ones where you jump across logs and lily pads, but the platforming elements for these stages seem a bit broken to me. You can jump and only half-land on something and it doesn't count against you. I think I had one pixel touching a log once, and I didn't lose a life even though 99 percent of my body was hanging over the water. The jumping and the maneuvering is ridiculously imprecise, to the point where it felt way too easy to get to the top of the screen. But then when I would get to the top of the screen, the tugboat wouldn't be pulling anything 99% of the time and I would have nowhere to go in order to complete the level. I'd just be standing there and waiting at the top of the screen until the timer ran out. Seriously, what the F are you supposed to do when the level exit just simply never appears? Is the game broken or am I missing something?

While I'm on the subject of broken, I have to mention those stages where you have to jump from bird to bird. I don't even know how it is possible to beat these stages. I understand how you have to bounce to a higher platform, but once you are there the frog can't jump high enough to get to the top of the level - rendering it unbeatable. Talk about broken.

So of the three stage types, only one of them is actually playable. Yay. 




Graphics:

The game looks like shit. Just check out the screenshots I've posted. Bonus points to you if you can even figure out what you are looking at.




Sound:

The game sounds like shit too. It's eerily silent most of the time, with the exception of the annoying sound it makes when you move your character. Seriously, were the makers of this game even trying?




Overall:

In case you couldn't tell, I did not enjoy this game. It's pointless, it's broken, it's got shit graphics, shit sound, and it is not any fun to play whatsoever.

You have absolutely no reason to play this game. It's right up there with Kool-Aid Man as one of the worst games I have ever played and reviewed for this blog.



THE GRADE:
F



40th Birthday Mop Up Duty Celebration Tour:

1982 Reviews:
1983:
1984:
Frogger II: Threedeep (the review you're reading)
Next up:


For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click


Thursday, March 3, 2022

Video Game Review #344 and #345: Dragon's Lair

Dragon's Lair
Arcade and PSP




Nostalgia Factor:

Dragon’s Lair is a game that’s been on my radar for years and years now. I was aware of this game when I was a kid, seeing pictures of it in video game magazines. I always thought the game looked interesting to me, but by random chance NONE of the arcades where I spent time ever had this game. In fact, at 39 years of age I still have yet to see this arcade machine out in the wild. What better game to pick for my third and final 1983 game review? 

But wait, a plot twist! I was having a really, really difficult time getting into the arcade version of this game due to its steep difficulty, so someone suggested to me that I try the PSP version of the game as it is a lot easier and more user friendly. So here we have it: our third ever dual console review. The first time I did this was with Batman Returns for the Genesis and the Sega CD, and the second time was with Judge Dredd for the Genesis and the SNES. Dragon’s Lair for the arcade and the PSP now joins those illustrious ranks.

 


Story:

You play as Dirk, a valiant knight sent into a dark wizard’s castle to rescue Princess Daphne from an evil dragon. That’s really all you need to know.




Gameplay:

*sigh*

Coming into Dragon’s Lair, I knew that it was was entirely based around Quick Time Events, or QTEs as I will be referring to them for the rest of this review. I also knew coming in that the game was supposedly very difficult. Me, being the confident gamer that I am, thought that this game would be a piece of cake. People say that other games like Ninja Gaiden, Castlevania, and Contra are just SO HARD and all I can do is laugh because I can beat those games quite easily. None of those games I would consider “hard”. Dragon’s Lair? Bring it on.

Oh man, was I humbled quickly. The very first time I played this game, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be doing and I just sat there in a dazed stupor as my character died over and over again. Game over. Insert credits. Uh, what? Was I supposed to be doing something? I thought this was a game based around QTEs. Where were the prompts?

I played this game a couple more times, each attempt just as unsuccessful as the first. But then something happened. When Dirk hopped up on that mechanical horse and started flying towards the fire, I hit the joystick to the left – the opposite direction of the fire. And Dirk responded, avoiding an obstacle for the first time ever. All right. So the game didn’t give you any prompts for the QTEs. You just have to figure them out yourself. I could handle that. 

I must have played this game for at least an hour or two. I figured out what to do to clear *some* of the castle’s obstacles, but not all of them. The boating segment? I was a pro. The mechanical flying horse? Pro. Swinging across the ropes over the fire? Pro. Running down that rainbow road with the ball chasing after you? Pro. But I could not figure out how to make it through almost every other room in the game. I felt like I was making some decent progress “figuring out” Dragon’s Lair, but some of these obstacles I had tried literally every button combination known to man and I wasn’t even close to passing them. To make matters worse, you couldn’t just sit there and practice certain rooms repeatedly, which I would have liked to do. No. If you die, you get whisked off to another room altogether. And if you use up all five of your lives you have to go back to the beginning of the game and do it all over again.

I kept coming back to Dragon’s Lair a few nights in a row and poured several hours into the game, but at the end of the day I was no closer to beating the game than I was the first night I had started playing. I was ready to give up. This game was just too hard for me and was not worth the frustration. Plus, I was ready to move on and start playing some 1984 video games. But the completionist in me simply could not move on from Dragon’s Lair until I had beaten it. Fun fact: I haven’t posted a single video game review of a game I haven’t beaten (aside from games you can’t beat because you’re only playing for a high score, like Frogger, Satan’s Hollow, Tron, etc). My OCD simply demanded that I defeat Dragon’s Lair, no matter how long it took.

And then, like an angel from the sky, came Robb Alvey. The very same man I got my RetroPie from – the very same system I was playing Dragon’s Lair on. “Why don’t you try the PSP version? It’s much easier.”

Those were the best words I have ever heard in my life. 

I fired up the PSP version of Dragon’s Lair. Not only did the game contain prompts for the QTEs, you could also set it to unlimited continues. In addition, this version of the game had an option to turn the difficulty down to easy.

I tried to play through the normal arcade version of the game, this time using the prompts. I didn’t want to take the coward’s way out by turning the difficulty down to easy. About 25 minutes later, I turned the difficulty down to easy. And by the end of the night, I had beaten Dragon’s Lair once and for all.

So about Dragon Lair’s gameplay. In the original arcade version, you have to watch closely for flashes of light that indicate which direction you are supposed to move the joystick. That’s all you get in regards to “prompts”. Not every stage has these flashes, and oftentimes the flashes are too quick to respond to even if you did see them properly. But the main problem is that these flashes are nonexistent in the most challenging areas of the game, meaning you have to resort to simple guesswork in order to survive. Not only do you have to resort to guesswork, if you aren’t precise with the timing of the direction that you press, you die. So even if I know I have to move left, if I don’t press left on the exact nanosecond window of opportunity I still lose a life. This resulted in me thinking that I was pressing the wrong button, so I’d try pressing right the next time. Or down, or up, or attack. Certain areas of the game I swear I had tried every button combination known to man, and I still couldn’t make it through.

Props to people who actually did beat this game in the arcade back in the day, because to me this game is about as impossible as you can get. Forget Contra, Ninja Gaiden, or any of those other so-called hard games. Dragon’s Lair may be the single most difficult game I have ever played.

So I had absolutely no shame in firing up the PSP version and turning it down to easy. It was either that or never beat this game. The choice was quite simple for me.

 


Graphics:
 
Clearly, this is the best looking game I’ve played on my “play three games you’ve never played from every year of your life” tour. I need to think of a better name for what I’m doing. Anyway, compare this game to Tron, Pitfall, or Kool-Aid Man and you’ll see exactly what I mean. This game is like a cartoon come to life. Gorgeous, hand drawn animations. Bright colors, creative environments. Dragon’s Lair is like NOTHING that was seen back in 1983. I was only one year old at the time, so I can’t speak from personal experience, but I am certain that this game was insanely popular, if only for its visuals. I can just picture hordes of kids crowded around this arcade unit, mouths agape at the majesty of the animation on the screen. This game looks like a Disney movie. In fact, I think its creator worked for Disney! What would you rather look at in a video game arcade, something that looks like this… or Pong? I know what I would have picked.



 
Sound:

This game sounds like a movie too. Fun music, magical sound effects, even some voice acting – which I’m sure was quite rare back in 1983. Was this the first ever game with voice acting? That would be quite interesting. The narrated intro to this game alone probably was enough to grab the attention of both children and their parents as they walked through the mall.



 
Overall:

I did not have a good time with Dragon's Lair. In fact, in terms of gameplay and overall playability, I might be able to say that in some ways I liked the Kool-Aid Man game better than this one. It's a shame, too, because there's so much that this game does right. I desperately wanted to love it. Fun story, great visuals, good voice acting and music, some creative area designs, its sense of humor. This is a game that was far, FAR ahead of its time. 

But that gameplay though. It's so bad.

All you do is watch what is happening onscreen and *hope* that you're hitting the correct corresponding action at the exact time you need to hit it. But oh yeah the arcade version of the game doesn't tell you what you're supposed to do. So everything quickly devolves into quarter-munching guesswork for hours on end. I know there are people out there who have beaten this game in the arcades, and hats off to you. Beating this game is about as close to a video game impossibility for me as you can get. 

The PSP version is slightly better, as you can edit the difficulty level, give yourself unlimited continues, and most importantly, view onscreen prompts that tell you which button to hit, and when.

So yeah. Unfortunately I did not like Dragon's Lair. Turns out I wasn't missing out on much as a kid growing up. I'm not going to give this game a failing grade, despite its poor gameplay, mainly because of its fantastic production value. And because even though I didn't like this game, I could still see myself coming back to it someday just because of how unique it is.

If you have never played Dragon's Lair and are curious about the game like I was, feel free to pass on this one. If you absolutely must play it, check it out on the PSP for its various quality of life improvements.



THE GRADE:
Arcade: D-
PSP: D+



40th Birthday Mop Up Duty Celebration Tour:

1982 Reviews:
1983:
Dragon's Lair (the review you're reading)

Next up: 1984's


For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click


Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Video Game Review #343: Journey

Journey
Arcade



Nostalgia Factor:

Another game from 1983, and this is one I've been wanting to play for a while now: Journey. All I know about this game coming into it is that it stars the cast of 80s super group Journey, and that the band's music is featured prominently in the game.

Would it be any fun, though? That's what I am here to find out.




Story:

It's the future, or at least I think it is. The game isn't really clear on that. But anyway, the band Journey has had all of their equipment stolen by alien groupoids. Journey hops in their space ship and heads out to reclaim their lost equipment.

What. A. Concept.




Gameplay:

Similar to 1982's Tron, which I recently reviewed, Journey consists of a series of looping minigames that get harder and harder each trip through the loop. When the game begins you can select from five different minigames. Each minigame represents one different band member retrieving their stolen equipment. Let give you some examples of these minigames.

One of them has you bouncing into the air on a series of trampoline-like objects while Wheel in the Sky plays in the background. Initially these trampolines are red. When you bounce on them once, they turn blue. Bounce on them twice and they disappear. It's your goal to bounce on each trampoline, turning them to blue. If you bounce on them twice and make them disappear, that's fine too. As long as you bounce on all of them at least once and don't fall off the screen and die you are good to go. Once you do this, you collect your stolen piece of equipment. But you're not done! Each time you retrieve a piece of equipment in this game, you have to make your way back to Journey's ship with the instrument in tow. Suddenly the game turns into a shooter and you have to make your way to the bottom of the screen while avoiding the bevy of bullets that come your way. Reach the bottom of the screen and you have completed the minigame. You go back to the stage selection screen where you must pick from one of the remaining four minigames.

A quick rundown of the other four minigames: one of them is like a reverse Donkey Kong where you start at the top of screen and have to make your way to the bottom, all while traversing angled ledges and jumping over enemies. Another minigame has you floating through a cavern in a spacesuit. Touch the walls and you die - kind of like the board game Operation. Another one finds you squeezing your way through a series of dangerous, constantly shifting laser-like barricades while Don't Stop Believing plays in the background. The final minigame has you climbing and jumping from a series of poles until you reach the instrument at the top of the screen. Each stage morphs into a shooter-esque stage after you grab the instrument and start working on your way back to Journey's ship.

Once you have completed all five minigames, Journey celebrates by throwing a big intergalactic space concert. You take control of a bouncer that you have to move left and right to block crazed fans from rushing the stage. In a way, you could classify this as a sixth minigame. Eventually there becomes too many fans to block, and once again they rush the stage and steal all of the band's equipment.

You then have to complete all five minigames again and get your equipment back. But this time, each of the minigames are just a little bit harder than they were the last time. And so the endless loop begins. Collect the band's equipment, try to block the fans at the concert using the bouncer, fail, get your equipment stolen, retrieve the equipment, control the bouncer, etc. On and on it goes, getting steadily more difficult with each attempt.




Graphics:

This is easily the best looking game I've played since I started doing the whole "review three games from each year of your life" thing. I love the little black and white digitized Journey members. The levels are bright and colorful. The game is just bursting with life and personality, which is something that I found sorely lacking with Tron. Although this game may look primitive by today's standards, it's still a lot of fun to look at regardless.




Sound:

STAGE MUSIC!! For the first time since I started this little project of mine, I am finally able to play a game with stage music. And what stage music it is! You can't go wrong with Journey music playing in the background, even if each song is comprised of early 80s beeps and bloops. I still thought it sounded great and I still found myself wiggling along to it. My wife, however, did not enjoy the game's music and found it "annoying". She said that the music sounded like nothing, and that she couldn't even tell it was supposed to be Journey music. That was kind of disappointing. It took me about five times playing through the Don't Stop Believing minigame before she finally was able to recognize the song playing in the background.

Side note: during the stage where you control the bouncer, the game was completely silent for me. There's a reason for this. I was playing an emulated version of the game. If you are playing this on the actual arcade unit, there is a cassette tape inside the console that plays "Separate Ways" while you play the bouncer stage. I thought that was pretty cool. I doubt I'll ever encounter this game out in the wild, but if I do I'll have to make it a point to hear it in action myself.




Overall:

This game is a ton of fun. Normally I am not a huge fan of games that can't be beaten or just loop repeatedly, but Journey is the exception to the rule. This is easily, EASILY the best game I've played in the last few weeks. The minigames are fun, the graphics make me laugh, the music is awesome, and the concept is just wild - in a good way. Overall this game is very addicting and I enjoyed every second of it.

Unlike basically everything else I have played for my Mop Up Duty review  tour, I would definitely play this again. If I'm sitting around bored, or if I just have a few minutes to kill before heading out the door, I could easily see myself firing this up to pass the time. I am so glad I played this.


THE GRADE:
B+



40th Birthday Mop Up Duty Celebration Tour:

1982 Reviews:
1983:
Journey (the review you're reading)

For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click


Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Video Game Review #342: Kool-Aid Man

Kool-Aid Man
Atari 2600




Nostalgia Factor:

1982 is in the books and it’s time for me to move on and start playing and reviewing some games from 1983! First up: Kool-Aid Man. Why, of all the games out there did I pick this one? Simple. I had never even known this game existed until about ten minutes ago. Any other games can wait. I’ll play them eventually. If I didn’t play this now, chances are I never would have played it at all. So that’s what I did!
 



Story:

Um, once upon a time there were these evil creatures that were attempting to use straws to suck all the water out of a swimming pool. When Kool-Aid Man caught wind of what was happening, he was like “Oh fuck no! Not on my watch!” He put on his best outfit, drove to the pool, and came crashing through the wall – ready to destroy those pool-sucking super villains!




Gameplay:

This is about as simple a game as you will ever play. You control the Kool-Aid Man. You can move him up, down, left, right and all of the diagonal directions on your screen. The pool-sucking super villains begin moving across the screen. If you touch them when they are moving you will ricochet out of control for a few seconds until you regain control of your character. You want to avoid these enemies until they stop moving, at which point the pool-sucking straw will come out of their mouth and descend to the water at the bottom of the screen. You then have to touch them, which kills them. If you don’t touch them right away (like if you are ricocheting and can’t control your character), you will see the water level of the pool start to drain. If it drains all the way, it’s game over. Your high score is displayed and you have to start the game over again. There is no winning this game. The pool WILL drain eventually. All you are playing for is the highest score.

You’ll see the occasional item move across the screen. Collecting them makes you bigger and grants you temporary invulnerability for a few seconds. You’ll need these, because as you progress deeper into the game, the enemies start moving faster and faster. Eventually it gets to the point where they are moving so fast, you can’t avoid them and all you do is constantly get hit and ricochet across the screen until the pool drains and the game ends.

That makes this game unplayable, fast. Those first few rounds when the enemies are moving nice and slow are kinda fun. Then all of a sudden they are moving too fast to avoid and you're getting knocked all over the place and it’s game over. My high score was about the same every single time I played because I’d do great at those early stages, and then when it sped up I wouldn’t be able to do anything because of the unavoidable enemies and the long recovery time after you are hit.

I put a good ten to fifteen minutes into this game, and then I was done with it. I had already seen everything the game had to offer.



 
Graphics

The game looks like shit. Normally I’m not so blunt like this, because I typically don’t care if a game looks good or not if it is fun to play. Well, this game isn’t fun to play and it doesn’t look good. At least the Kool-Aid Man is recognizable as a character. Kind of. That’s a plus, right? I’ll admit I got a good laugh when he came bursting through the wall at the beginning of the game.




Sound:

Aside from the occasional bonk or doink when you hit an enemy, this game is dead silent. I noticed this with all of the 1982 games I played as well. Apparently stage music hadn’t become a thing just quite yet. There is a little jingle that plays at the beginning of the game and when you collect an item, but it doesn’t sound great. I understand that video games weren’t very advanced in the early 80s, but it’s like they didn’t even try with this game. Just terrible.


 

Overall:

There’s little about this game that is redeeming. No wonder I had never heard of this title until just now – 39 years after its initial release. It sucks. The graphics suck, the sound sucks, and the game itself sucks too. Those first few stages of the game when you are getting your bearings and figuring out how things work aren’t too bad. But then two minutes pass and you realize: yup – that’s all there is to this game. And then you die.

I made about five or six attempts at getting the highest score until I had had enough with the game. It’s horribly shallow and not very fun at all. One of the worst games I have played and reviewed for this blog, if not THE worst. I wonder how it was received when it first came out?

Play this if you’re curious about it, like I was. You won’t like it, but at least your curiosity will be satisfied. That’s about the only good thing I can say about this game.

 

THE GRADE:
F



40th Birthday Mop Up Duty Celebration Tour:

1982 Reviews:
1983:
Kool-Aid Man (the review you're reading)
And coming up next:

For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click