Of all the movies out there, why am I writing about the godawful Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movie? To be honest, I'm not really sure.
When I was a young man in the 90s, I was a huge fan of the Tomb Raider video games. I owned the original trilogy on the Sony PlayStation, and boy did I play the ever loving heck out of these games. Most of the media's focus on Tomb Raider was lasered in on its protagonist: Lara Croft. Most notably, her giant polygonal boobs and her good looks. I didn't care about any of that. I loved Tomb Raider because of the massive levels, the thought-provoking puzzles, and the completely isolated sense of immersion I always felt when playing these games.
When the movie came out, I was very stoked to see it. Back then, Angelina Jolie was a relative unknown (to me, anyway). But I thought she was perfectly cast as Lara Croft. The trailers and the commercials for the movie made it look like it was going to be super awesome. Yeah, movies based on video games had a rocky history (Street Fighter, Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Mortal Kombat Annihilation, etc), but there was absolutely no way they could mess this up.
The movie came out in June of 2001. For whatever reason, I was unable to see it for the first few weeks it was in the theater. I was dating a girl named Colleen at the time, and we were early in our relationship. She was my first serious girlfriend. While I wanted to see the movie, I was probably too enamored and busy with her to make it a real priority. She did buy me a giant poster of the movie, which we hung on our wall, though. That was cool.
My birthday rolled around in July of 2001. Tomb Raider had been out for over a month, and was on its way out of the theaters. I had one more weekend to see it. Since it was my birthday weekend, I wanted to go see the movie as a special treat before it was too late. There was only one problem. My girlfriend was entertaining friends from out of state who were visiting for the weekend. These guys were film students from California, and according to Colleen - giant movie snobs. She mentioned to them about how I wanted to go see the Tomb Raider movie and their response was to laugh and say "ew, why would anyone want to see that?"
I felt immediate rejection. Not only were they basically saying no to seeing the movie, they had laughed in my face about me wanting to see it. My hopes and dreams for seeing Tomb Raider were going out the window. Colleen must have seen how disappointed I'd been, because the very next day she told me that she'd talked her friends into going out to see the movie with us. I was overjoyed. I was going to get to see Tomb Raider on the big screen!
My elation turned to immediate disappointment nearly as soon as the movie started. Techno music. A giant robot chasing after Lara Croft. Cheesy early 90s effects in a 2001 movie. Terrible acting. Angelina Jolie walking around and making little Lara Croft orgasm noises. What the fuck was I watching?
The movie didn't get any better either. An incomprehensible plot. Plodding pace. Characters that I cared nothing about. And the hyper sexualization of Lara Croft was some of the cringiest shit I'd ever seen.
Our movie snob friends were laughing and openly mocking the movie the whole time we were watching it. I just sat in my seat, fuming. But I couldn't even be mad at these guys because they were right. The movie was absolute horse shit.
I remember being SO disappointed about the movie. It may go down as truly one of the most disappointing movie experiences I've ever had. I had been so, so very excited to see this, and it had turned out to be completely awful. What were the movie makers thinking? It's like they'd never played the games and they had no idea what fans out there wanted. I wanted a female Indiana Jones movie with a globe trotting plot, tense atmosphere, and a magical sense of discovery and exploration. Instead I got something that felt like it was written by some overcaffeinated virgin with ADD.
As the years have passed, I've given the movie a few additional tries. I got it when it came out on DVD. Nope, still didn't like it. Watched it a few years later. Still didn't like it. Watched it a couple days ago: still didn't like. Every time I watch this movie I come into it with some kind of false hope that maybe this will be the time I finally get some enjoyment out of it. And that enjoyment never comes.
I think I'm writing this because I've finally come to terms with the fact that this is not a good movie. I could watch it a hundred times, and I would dislike it each and every time. Hence - there is no reason for me to watch this movie again. I have watched it for the last time. Yeah, that's why I am writing. To say fuck you, Tomb Raider. To let you all know I'm never watching this crap again.
This is my final goodbye. You had such potential. Angelina Jolie was so well-cast in the role. But you blew it. You know you blew it when someone like me takes the time to write an entire blog post about how big of a let-down this movie was, 23 years after it was initially released. You done fucked up.
Bye.
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