Video Game Review #476: Battletoads

Battletoads

Nintendo Entertainment System

Nostalgia Factor:

I've been aware of Battletoads and its legendary difficulty for a very, very long time. Even though this game has been out for over 30 years now, I had never played it. Didn't have it when I was a kid, didn't rent it, didn't know anyone else who had it. It's one of those games that just escaped my attention for one reason or another.

Loyal readers will know I've been keeping track of all the games I've ever played. I found myself nearing 1000 total games, and yet Battletoads was not on the list. I knew I had to play it before I reached 1000, since I plan to do a special ranking when I reach 1000 games. Such an iconic, talked about game just had to be on there!

So I finally caved in and played it. Would rumors of this game's ridiculous difficulty level be true, or would I find that they were over-sensationalized, like Contra, Ninja Gaiden, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and other games that I don't find too overly difficult? I think my review will speak for itself. Keep reading for my full thoughts.

Story:

This game was a blatant attempt to cash in on the Ninja Turtles craze of the late 80s and early 90s. There are three members of the Battletoads gang: Rash, Zitz, and Pimple. Three cool dudes with really gross names. You play as either Rash or Zitz as they attempt to defeat the evil queen, who has kidnapped Pimple and Princess Angelica.

There is not much to the game's story. Pretty much a straightforward seek and rescue mission. The game does attempt to keep you interested with a few small cutscenes in between stages. So the effort is there. Just don't expect anything earth shattering.

Gameplay:

I have always heard this game described as a beat 'em up, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. Sure, there are some beat 'em up mechanics involved, but the game is much more of an action-platformer than anything.

Basic gameplay for Battletoads consists of navigating your toad to the end of each stage, where you will often square off against a final boss. The first stage is pretty straightforward, and probably the most beat 'em uppy of them all. Controls consists of an attack button and a jump button. Each stage afterwards introduces some kind of new gameplay mechanic. Swinging from ropes, riding a bike, platform jumping, etc. I'll dive into a few more examples later on in the review.

Things start off innocuously enough. The first few stages are actually quite easy. Just enough to trap you into thinking you actually have a chance, here. The difficulty does not ramp up until the third stage: the infamous Turbo Tunnel speeder bike stage. I came into this stage excited to play it. I've heard so much about it over the years. And yes, it is hard. I wouldn't say it is unwinnable though. The rest of the game, which most people probably haven't experienced because they can't make it through this stage, is infinitely more difficult.

The platforming action in Battletoads is brutal and unforgiving. The toads have momentum when they move, which makes timing and landing your jumps more difficult than it needs to be. Enemies can kill you in one hit. Falling into a bottomless pit instantly costs you a life. One of the worst things about this game is that you only have a set number of lives and continues. If you had infinite continues, or even a password system, maybe the difficulty would not be too extreme. But when you run out of lives and have to start the entire game over each time, that's a pain in the butt. This is a long game! I shamelessly used save states to make my way through this game. If I was 11 years old and just got Battletoads for Christmas, I would have played the heck out of this game and maybe would have been able to beat it legitimately. Maybe. But I doubt it. There are some stages that suck up all your lives SO fast, I don't know how anyone could ever be good enough to beat this whole thing in one go.

Imagine laboring through this game all day for seven hours, getting to the Clinger Winger stage for the first time, and then promptly losing all your lives within five minutes and having to start the whole game over again from the beginning. No.

I like to consider myself a good gamer, but this game is ridiculous. So much relies on memorization and trial and error. Things pop up and kill you with no warning whatsoever. No one can beat any of these later stages on just one life their first time through them. No one. There is a level that involves jumping from dragon to dragon as they race across the screen at high speed. If you fall: you die. There are obstacles like spiked balls littered all over the place that will instantly kill you if you touch them. The dragons move so fast, and have such unpredictable patterns, that you basically have to memorize their movements and the location of all the obstacles in the environment if you want to have any chance to make it through this stage. How can you do that when it is your first time through, if you have never seen anything before? You can't. And to "get good" at the stage requires trial and error and many attempts. Something you aren't afforded when you have a finite number of lives and continues. It is just a freaking mess.

Don't even get me started on stage 11: Clinger Winger. This stage had me wanting to rip my hair out. Even cheating and using save states every ten seconds, I still had a heck of a time making it through this level. You race along on a track, being chased by a giant glowing ball. If it catches up to you and touches you: you die and have to start the whole stage over again. This is not a short chase sequence. It is something like 5 minutes long. If you make one mistake, ONE mistake, you are a goner. This stage is freaking impossible. Like I said, even using save states and ensuring I had a perfect run going, I still found myself in situations where I could not escape that glowing ball chasing after me. I can't even imagine making it through this level legitimately. Kudos to anyone who can. You are a better gamer than me.

The entire game is an exercise in frustration. There is not an easy stage after stage two. Most players out there never got to experience the rest of the game because they can't make it through the speeder bike section. If they did, they'd realize how futile an experience the rest of the game is. It fucking sucks. I had to force myself to get through this so I could say I was able to complete the game. I'll own up and say I never would have been able to beat the game without cheating. And I am okay with that. I do not have the patience to pump months and months into this game - which is probably what it takes to be able to beat it. Life is too short for that.

Is this the hardest game I've ever played? It might be. It's certainly harder than Ghosts 'n Goblins, Kid Icarus, and several other titles I struggled with. Contra is a complete walk in the park compared to this. 

Graphics:

This looks okay for an NES game. The characters are unimpressive. The toads and their enemies are very small and bland looking. I like some of their animations, like the surprised look they get sometimes, and the big uppercut punch. But there really is not too much here that will wow you.

Where the game excels is in the backgrounds and stage design. There are a lot of interesting colors and dynamic looking levels. One area that impressed me was the big spinning top stage, that moves left or right depending on which way you are running. The ice and the fire stages look nice. I am also appreciative of the cutscenes between stages. Am I weird for thinking the evil queen is kind of hot?

Sound:

The game does have some solid music. I can't lie about that. The stage music itself is nothing I think I'll remember in the long run, but the pause music is super cool. Definitely has that "edgy" rockin' feel to it that the game designers were probably going for. 

Overall:

I really wanted to like this game. There are trappings of a very good game to be found here, buried underneath the insane difficulty. It's just a shame 95% of players never actually get to see that good game. It took an emulator and save scumming for me to be able to beat Battletoads. Like I said, I can't imagine how anyone could actually beat this without doing what I did. I mean, I am sure there are people out there who can. But the dedication, practice, memorization, and just plain luck it must take to do so must be very, very intensive.

I didn't have a good time with Battletoads. It took three nights and a LOT of patience for me to be able to make it through the game. And that's with cheating! Every time I'd fire it up, I'd sigh deeply and say "here we go again." Such a major chore to play this game. Shouldn't games be fun? This is not fun at all.

 

Can I recommend Battletoads to you, the reader? It depends. From a pure historic standpoint, I say sure. It's worth a look, so you can at least say that you played it in your lifetime. If you don't care about that kind of thing, then I can't give this a recommend. 

I think I'm being generous with my final score, considering what a miserable time I had with the game. But I can't say this is a complete failure - and in fact this could have been quite good if only it was a little bit more accessible. If, if, if.

THE GRADE:

D+

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