VHS Tape #5: The Ultimate Rupert Boneham Mix

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Video Game Review: Super Mario Bros. 2

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Super Mario Bros. 2

Nintendo Entertainment System

It is games like this one that make me feel really old. I actually remember when Super Mario Bros. 2 came out. I must have been 6 years old. I played a LOT of Nintendo games at the time, particularly with my friend Brian (who I mentioned in a previous post as the friend who had Mega Man). I remember getting this game brand new. I don't even think it was for Christmas or a birthday or anything special. My mom simply got it because the original Super Mario Bros. had been such an iconic game that we had to get the second one right away.

Can you believe my initial feeling had been disappointment? I think I was expecting a game like the one that Mario 3 had eventually turned out to be. I wanted a similar title to the first game, but with new levels, new items, and new advances to the game play. But this game was nothing at all like the first game. It was in a completely different league of its own. I thought that it was weird and not Mario like at all.

It turned out that I was right. Mario 2 was originally supposed to have been what became later known as the Lost Levels. But people thought that it was too similar to the first Mario game that they never released it States side. Instead they simply inserted Mario characters into an existing game called Doki Doki Panic - and brought that title to the US. So the reason it is so weird is because it is really not even a Mario game at all.

Despite my initial feeling of disappointment, I still played the heck out of the game. I actually came to learn to love it as a kid. Every secret, every nook and cranny of that game I knew by heart. It was eventually abandoned to the wayside when Mario 3 came out. Later on in life when I got a Sega Genesis, my mom traded in my NES and all of my games to go towards paying for the new system. I didn't know it at the time, but that turned out to be one of my worst decisions ever.

I still to this day don't own a true copy of Super Mario 2.

So from the point when I was a little kid who got a Genesis to young adulthood I never played Mario 2 once. It had virtually dropped out of my life. Then when I was 19 I started dating a girl who had Mario 2 and a bunch of other NES games. This is probably one of the many reasons I fell so hard for her. We had marathon Mario 2 gaming sessions - and it would turn out that she was even better at the game than I was. True, I hadn't played it in probably ten years. But she was better than I had been even as a kid. She knew how to get as many coins as humanly possible and then on the slot machine game she always got 2 or 3-up. Every single time. She eventually would get to the point where once she went over 99 lives, her number of lives started to turn into these weird symbols instead of numbers. It was crazy.

Eventually though we broke up, and seeing as how it was her copy of the game, I was once again Mario 2-less. Over the years since I turned 21 I have gotten myself an NES and a pretty big game collection. Looks like I did it just in time too because I have noticed that the price of retro games has risen exponentially. But it should dishearten you and everyone else out there to know that I still don't have a copy of Mario 2. I had to settle for Mario All-Stars for the Super Nintendo. This game has Marios 1 through 3, plus the Lost Levels on it. And all games are "improved" with updated graphics and sound effects. Here is an example of the improved graphics:

Aside from the changes, the game still plays and controls exactly the game. Nothing has been changed to the game content. So as I write this review, I write it with the version of the game I have grown up knowing and loving in mind: the NES version.

For those who don't know much about how this game works - it is as I said very different from Mario 1 and 3. There's no Bowser, no goombas, no koopa troopas. No fire flowers. Simply jumping on an enemy will not kill them. This is an entirely new game.

Each level allows you to select a character you wish to play as. You can be Mario, who is pretty fast and the most well rounded character. Toad, who is fast and small but has jumping limitations. Luigi, who can jump long and high with his fluttering crazy legs. And then the Princess, who is by far the most dominant character in the game. She is a the slowest digger, but this is offset by how when you press and hold the jump button while jumping she can glide through the air for a pretty good amount of time. Many people like the Princess because she can get you through the difficult jumping and platforming sections of the game the most easily. I agree with this, but I do like to mix up my character selections just to make it more challenging.

This combat in this game revolves around picking up and throwing your enemy. Or picking up something and then throwing it AT your enemy. This is a huge different from how things work in other Mario games. Almost every enemy in the game can be picked up. You can either throw them at another enemy, which will kill both of them. You can simply throw them away and go past them. You can even use them to jump off of to reach higher ground.

You can also pick up and use items that are buried in the ground. You simply stand over them and pluck them up. Most of these items are vegetables which are simple projectiles you use to throw at your enemies. Other items are 1-ups, POW bricks, or potions which open a secret door. When you enter this door, you enter the "night world" where you can find hidden items like mushrooms. Also while in this night world, any items you pluck from the ground are turned into coins, which are used at a slot machine at the end of every level. This slot machine allows you to win extra lives with each match you make.

Other game items include cherries, which make an invisibility star appear when you collect enough of them, and hearts, which refill your life once you have killed a certain amount of enemies in a level. Warp zones that allow you to skip ahead in the game are scattered along the way. These can be discovered by going into the night world and going down into pipes. Not all pipes actually do anything, however.

One iconic aspect of the game is whenever you have to pick up a key that is being guarded by a couple of big floating faces. When you pick up the key and try to take it to the lock, one of the faces detaches from the wall and pursues you relentlessly until you drop it. I always found running from these guys to be a thrilling experience. It is definitely memorable and one of the things that makes this game so unique.

Speaking of unique and iconic, almost every level ends with a battle with Birdo, a bizarre creature who launches eggs at you. You can defeat Birdo by jumping on the eggs and throwing them back at him (the game's manual says him!). As the game goes on, Birdo becomes more difficult to beat. He becomes faster and he launches fireballs from his mouth. Different colored Birdos have different characteristics. I never really had too much of a problem with him though.

Three levels make a stage - and at the end of each stage you must defeat a special boss. These include Mouser, a bomb throwing rat. There is a multi headed lizard that shoots fireballs. There is a crab that launches rocks. And my favorite is a big fireball thing that breaks up into smaller fireballs as you hit it. As mentioned there is no Bowser at the end of the game. This game has a villain named Wart, who is a giant belching frog. You must defeat him by hitting him with vegetables that are being launched by a giant organ in the background.

Of course, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. None of this game makes sense. So I guess a lot is explained when we find out at the end that it was all just one big dream. As a kid, this gave me hope that this is why the game was so different from Mario 1. And that maybe Mario 3 would be more of a traditional Mario game. Which it did end up being.

This really is an amazing game though. It is the total package. No it is not like the other Mario games, but once you put that out of your mind and treat it like its own game, you will recognize its brilliance. The levels are so big, and there is so much to see and do in each level. Each level has its own unique personality and setting. There are hidden secrets, there are special shortcuts you can discover. There are also multiple branches you can take to get to the end of each stage.

The enemies are iconic. You have got shy guys, the vine crawling things, the faces that chase you, flying fish you can grab out of the air, Birdo, the bosses, Wart. The whole game is just so fun, creative, and clever. It is an absolute blast as well as a pretty solid challenge.

This is one of the greatest NES titles ever released. Who knows, it may actually be in my personal top ten of games I have played, period. You don't get much better than Super Mario Bros 2. Not only is it an incredible game, but it also has a lot of sentimental value for me as well.

I can see no other viable grade for this game than an A plus.

Overall:

A+

Video Game Review: Who Wants to be a Millionaire 2nd Edition

Who Wants to be a Millionaire 2nd Edition

PlayStation

Like a great number of people, I also became caught up in the Who Wants to be a Millionaire fever that took place in the late 90s/early 2000s. I am not necessarily proud to admit this fact, but it is what it is. Regis was a friendly, recognizable face. The stakes were high, the questions tough. Every episode I would tune in, wondering if this would be the time that somebody would finally win a million dollars. Shows like this are a dime a dozen nowadays, but this was must see TV back in the day.

One of the things that made the show unique was that my entire family watched it as well. I was always a quiet kid who never really had much to say. In a way, this show helped bring me a little closer to my family. It gave us a common ground; something to talk about.

Being a lover of video games, I thought: hey why not buy the home version of the game? I could play it with family, show it around to everyone. It'd be a nice bonding experience. I played it with my family (my mom in particular really liked it) and we had a good time.

There really isn't a whole lot to this game though; this is pretty much a no frills adaptation of the TV show. You enter in your name and you immediately start playing. Your character doesn't have a visual representation. The limited FMV scenes show the set, the stage, and two empty chairs. But no you. No Regis (although his voice is ever present in this game).

Everything follows the TV show pretty well. Your basic goal is to to answer 15 straight questions and win the fake million dollars. You have your three lifelines: 50/50, Phone-A-Friend, and Ask the Audience. The lifelines don't always help you. I've lost games because the latter two have given me false answers before. But I guess they don't always prove to be 100% accurate on the show either. I'm glad they are there though, as they are much better than nothing.

The first five or so questions are of the easier variety. Well, they are supposed to be anyway. I won't lie, I have gone out of the game on one of the easy questions more times than I care to admit. Steadily the questions get harder as the game progresses. There are several "safe" zones along the way. Where if you get stumped by a question, you can back out and keep what money you have earned rather than lose it all. Why you would do this in a video game, I have no idea. It's always million or bust for me.

Graphically there is not much to look at. The majority of your time spent playing you will be looking at questions or your progress chart, which are just flat graphic representations. Some quick in-between question scenes will show you little bits of the studio as well. But again - no Regis. He does appear via cut scene before and after you play. But never during the game. You don't even get a physical avatar or character model to choose from. This show is 100% question and answer based, and nothing else.

Everything sounds fine. Regis sounds like.... Regis. He banters with you and asks you questions. If you take too long he gives you his famous "Is that your final answer?" line. The music and sound effects are true and authentic to the show.

There really is not a whole lot to say about this game. If you have seen the show, you should know what to expect here. The game is difficult, I will give it that. However, if you play enough times you will start to notice repeat questions. Keep at it long enough and you should win the million easy, simply because you've seen every question many times before.

I notice that this is the 2nd Edition of the game. I shudder to think how primitive the 1st Edition must be. And I think there is a 3rd too. Hopefully they made some improvements, like allowing you to pick characters and see them interact on stage with the host. There is probably a greater variety of questions. But there is not much else to add here. This is a very basic game show, and what really can you do with it?

This is an okay game. I am sure it was a lot more fun back when everyone was nuts over this show. Now it is just a fun pastime that I can pop in every once in a while if I am bored or nostalgic. It's a good game to play with people over too.

Fun fact: the first night I ever got drunk in my entire life - I came home afterwards and started playing this game. I was in a complete haze, my first drunken stupor ever. I don't even know how I focused my eyes on the screen long enough to read the questions. But I somehow did it - and I won the million dollars on my first try. The first time in many, many attempts that I had ever completed the game. I then went to the bathroom and puked my guts out. I will always and forever associate this game with my first drunken experience.

So I will always have that.

Overall:

C

and that IS my final answer

Video Game Review: Star Fox 64

Star Fox 64

Nintendo 64

Ah, the good old days of Nintendo 64. Back when this system was big, I was at perhaps the highest peak of my video game obsession. If I didn't own them, I had at least rented or played the majority of the games that had come out in the first few years of this system's life.

One of these games was Star Fox 64. I had played the original Star Fox for the SNES, but only when friends were visiting and brought their system over. I liked that game, but I was never truly good at it. Nor did I get to fully explore it to my heart's content.

I made up for that with its sequel, Star Fox 64. I had been super excited for the game. In the previews, it looked amazing. The graphics were far superior to nearly everything I had seen to this point in my life. There was 4-player capability. The game just looked flat out fun and much more fleshed out than its 16 bit counterpart. I know it sounds silly, but one of the things I looked forward to the most was the Rumble Pak. It was a device you inserted into your N64 controller to make the controller vibrate and rumble in your hands whenever you got hit or there was a big explosion on screen. I know that this is something we take for granted nowadays, but back then this was big stuff.

I got this game for my 15th birthday and immediately went to work. Would you believe that my initial thought on the game was disappointment? Sure the graphics were nice, But the thing that immediately stood out to me before I even began playing the game was the sound. Specifically: the voices. Man I hated those voices. They sounded tinny and canned, not anything at all like next gen voices should sound. Not only that but they were annoying too. Who hasn't wanted to slap Slippy upside the head a few dozen times while playing this game?

But I quickly shelved my concerns about the voice acting when I started playing the game. It was awesome. The Rumble Pak was cool, the controls were great. The levels were well designed and different stylistically from one another. There was a new wrinkle added to the game play where you could go into free range mode and not be stuck traveling in one direction anymore. You could even ride in a tank!

My main gripe (beside the voices) was the fact that I almost beat the game on my first attempt. And I probably would have if I hadn't had to share the game with people who were over for my birthday. My secondary gripe was the multiplayer mode. It ended up being a huge let down. The maps are too big and you could have a full game go on for 10 minutes and only wind up with one or two kills. After the awesomeness of Goldeneye and a few other games that I liked to play with friends, this was a disappointment as well.

I can't remember properly, but I think I did end up beating the game later on that first night. No one wants to beat a game right after getting it. Especially a brand new expensive game that you've been looking forward to for a long time. You want it to be an experience that lasts as long as possible. I dug deeper into the game and discovered all the different branches you can take in the game. There is the easy branch that I had completed. Based on certain acts or decisions you make during the game, you can go on different branches. Different branches = different levels. So it was like I still had a whole lot of game left to explore.

And that I did. Many times. Many, many, many times. In fact, over the years I think I have beaten Star Fox 64 more than I have any other game out there. I mastered this game. I got a medal on each and every level out there (medals are handed out based on the amount of kills you get per level). I unlocked every single thing that there is to unlock in this game. This was not an easy task. Not to toot my own horn, but I was amazing at this game.

As expected, I eventually stopped playing the game as newer and better games and systems came out. When I picked this up and played it yesterday, it had literally been ten years since the last time I had played it. Playing it again though, the memories and all the fun I had with this game came crashing back to me. It was like meeting an old friend again after half a lifetime has passed since you have last seen him.

Star Fox 64 is everything you want in a game. It is flat out pure and unadulterated fun. It is not the longest game ever. In fact after beating it on all three branches yesterday, I likely won't pick it up for another ten years. But it is fun. And what else can you ask for?

Gone are the shoddy (although revolutionary for its time) polygonal looking graphics of the SNES world. The world of Star Fox 64 is a big, detailed one. Everything just looks great. The water, the weapon effects, the surfaces (which have that charming N64 "glaze" on them), the detail level of the bosses and the enemies. Even now - no I can't say the graphics are perfect - but there is no denying that this game has withstood the test of time.

I had played this game so many times when I was younger that things I didn't even know I had forgotten about made me smile when I re-encountered them. The conversation and banter between the Star Fox crew and its enemies. The asteroid field special effects when you drive through the booster rings. The lava planet where you can't get too close to its surface. The Independence Day like level where you have to defeat a big ass ship hovering overhead. Katt and Bill. That fucking sub level (hated it when I was younger, aced it on one life now). The Star Wolf team. Shooting down the missiles before they can hit the Star Cruiser. Andross. So much classic shit is packed into this game.

When I finished all three game paths, I began to feel like I had no reason to continue playing. I had mastered the game as a kid. In fact I still have everything unlocked on my game cartridge. On none of my three play throughs did I even come close to getting a high score. The best I was able to get was 900 some kills, which wasn't good enough for even top ten on the leader board. In fact, the lowest score on the board was 1400 something. Jesus! And I thought I had done well in my old age. I don't even know how I got that many kills in one play through when I was younger.

As good as the game is, it will probably be shelved for a long time. Multiplayer is the only thing that might possibly have had me coming back, but that is useless and I don't really have many friends anyway. Sure I could play the game on all its paths again and try to get a high score, but what is the point? I have seen everything this game has to offer, and there really is no more reason to go on. It stinks that a game this epic is so short, and has such little replay value.

And it is an epic game. Make no mistake about it. I am going to give it an A+ no matter what, if only for all the great times I had playing this while younger. I definitely enjoyed myself while playing it again in 2015. It is just that nowadays I have bigger and better things to do than play the same game over and over again. But still, I look back on my teenage years playing this game with fondness. The late nights I spent up playing. The strategies I pushed to get as many kills as possible. The trip up north where my cousin and I must have played and beaten this game 20 times. Just simply discovering a new game path for the first time and being completely blown away.

Star Fox 64 has played a big part in my life. Its ship has likely sailed, but its legacy will live on in me forever.

Overall:

A+

Video Game Review: Candy Crush Saga

Candy Crush Saga

Mobile

I stated playing Candy Crush approximately a year ago today. I told myself that if I ever completed the game, I would write up a review for it. I never thought that day would actually come. While I haven't really "beaten" the game (I don't think it can be completed, as they keep periodically adding new levels to it) I have made it as far as you can possibly go. For now anyway.

I first heard about this game in the same manner that I am sure a lot of people first heard about it: through constant, annoying, unwanted, uninvited Facebook notifications. These notifications were always a pain in the neck to me. I'd think something important, or at least slightly amusing, would have happened on Facebook. But no, just another invitation to play this game. Ten minutes later: another one. An hour later, another one. It got to the point where I ended up blocking any and all Candy Crush notifications because they were really starting to piss me off.

About a year ago today, I finally emerged from the Stone Age and got a smart phone. I don't know when this game was released, but I assume it had been out for several years at this point. One of the first things to cross my mind after getting that phone was - hey I should download Candy Crush and see what all the fuss is about. I was kind of half joking to myself when I had this thought. I had no idea what the game was or what it was like. In fact, I am pretty sure I had it in my mind that I would hate it. But I needed to sate my curiosity.

Who would have thought that one year later, I would still be playing this game? Not only just playing the game, but obsessively playing it. If you have been reading this blog at all, you will notice that I like video games. I am also very good at them. I have a very fiery, competitive side of me that always wants to be the best at everything I do. I rarely am ever the best at anything, but if there is one area in life where I at least have a legitimate shot at this, it is in video games.

I really think the social aspect of the game, and striving to beat all of my friends has been what has fueled my desire to dominate this game. Plus the game is just damned fun.

As I mentioned, I didn't know what the game was like when I first started playing. Much to my surprise, it is a puzzle game that compares favorably to such classic titles at Tetris, Columns, Dr. Mario, and (my personal favorite) Dr Robotniks Mean Bean Machine. It is not completely like these games, but there is an element to Candy Crush that borrows heavily from a lot of these different titles.

The basic idea of the game is that you have a grid of different colored candy pieces. Match up three pieces of the same color, and they disappear, doing damage to whatever is in their vicinity. Most of the levels have different goals you must complete to move on. The basic level is the "jelly" level, where there are background pieces that are shaded grey, and you must make a combination over the top of them to destroy them. Other levels you simply have to get a high score. Others, you must navigate pieces of fruit which appear on the top of the screen down to the bottom of it. There are other level variations as well.

Your basic move is the three piece color combo. I wasn't aware of any of this coming in, but I quickly learned that there are other combinations as well. Get five colors in a row and you get a color bomb, which will destroy all of one specific color on the grid that you swipe it into. There is the striped candy, which is obtained by matching four colors in a row. This creates a striped candy which takes out every piece of candy in the same row as this piece. It took me a while to figure out that you can control the direction of the striped candy based on if you are moving a piece up/down or left/right to create the four color combination. The last thing you can create is a bomb, which can be made by making an L shape with your colors. Two up, two over, and then you slide a color in to the "elbow" making it five in a row, but bent. This bomb blows up I think 9 pieces around it, and then it falls down and blows up 9 more. Very useful. Eventually you will discover that if you can create these specialty pieces next to one another and combine them, that even more crazy things will happen.

There are some interesting impediments to your progress along the way. You will learn to hate chocolate pieces, which spawn relentlessly and take away your possible moves unless you destroy them. You will hate the bombs even more. These things run on a timer and if you can't destroy them by the time the timer runs out, you lose. There are black licorice pieces, which are basically wastes of space that block striped candy shots. Brick walls that you must make combos next to in order to break. The list goes on.

The game doesn't tell you any of this coming in either. So it really is learn as you go.

Candy Crush is very addicting. At first glance you wouldn't think it would be that difficult, but it is. There really is a lot of strategy involved in the way you tackle each level. And I love that aspect of the game. Of course, a lot of luck is required too. The graphics are cute and colorful. I like the music to the game as well. That little jingle that is used in most levels is pretty catchy. I'm even a fan of the announcer guy who says things like "tasty" and "sweet". My wife thinks he sounds like a creepo, but I would like to be this guy's friend.

The game itself is free, but it makes its money on micro transactions where you can buy items that help you along. Extra moves, hammers that remove one piece of candy of your choice, free swaps, etc. I told myself coming in that I would not spend a penny on the game, and miraculously I have managed to make it all the way to the end without purchasing anything. There is a wheel that you can spin once every day that gives you a free item, and I have taken full advantage of this, however.

The social aspect (and all of the annoying notifications) comes into play in many different ways. You can send your fellow players extra lives and extra moves. You can ask for these things as well. Also, at certain points in the game you will hit a roadblock where you must get the approval of three of your Facebook friends before you can move on to more levels. If you have dedicated Facebook Candy Crush friends like I do, the social aspect can be a lot of fun. I was surprised to learn that Evel Dick Donato from Big Brother 8 is an avid Candy Crusher and we often send each other crap and help each other out where help is needed. That's kind of neat.

I've had fun racing other friends as well. I was a late bloomer to this game, so by the time I first started it, most of my dedicated friends were far, far ahead of me. I honestly didn't think I would ever catch any of them. I eventually did though. A few of the friends attempted to keep up with me resulting in races to see who could separate from the pack the quickest. I won.

I've gotten to the end of the game several times, but you have to wait for the new levels to come out before you can continue playing. There are always 1 or 2 friends perpetually ahead of me because whatever device they use to play the game updates the levels faster than my phone does. I am okay with the fact that I have a few friends who can access the new levels before I can. I know that if we were to update at the same time, I would give them a run for their money. It is no big deal.

I like how the game designers find a way to add wrinkles to the game and make the new levels interesting. New elements are always being thrown in, like UFOs that dispense bombs, frogs that absorb colored candies, tornadoes that destroy whatever they land upon, and much much more.

My only gripe about the game is that every once in a while I seem to encounter a level or two (or three) that are nearly impossible to complete. Ones that start with bombs that have extremely short timers (usually walled in and protected from all sides) are the WORST. Some of these levels require extreme luck or trial and error before you can beat them. And then you get levels afterward that are so easy, anyone can beat them. There is a little consistency problem with the difficulty here, but I can't complain too much. The game designers have done a fine job with Candy Crush.

All in all, I am very glad I downloaded this game. It went from something I found an annoyance with all the Facebook notifications to something that I play every single day without fail. It is more addicting than crack. Not only is it fun to play, but the social aspect of it really brings out the competitive side in you as well. It is challenging too, which really kept me going. If it was too easy, I may have lost interest. Even when you have made it to the end of the game, there are added bonuses like jelly drops (which give you items when you collect enough of them) that keep you replaying old levels.

This sounds silly to say, but Candy Crush is a big part of my life now. A day doesn't pass where I don't play this game. Every time I have an annoying wait, like for the bus or for an appointment... even when I am just a passenger in the car with nothing to do I can fire up this game immediately lose track of time. It is great. I don't know how I lived my life before Candy Crush.

That's kind of a scary though actually. But hey - I have come to accept it for what it is.

Overall:

A+

Video Game Review: Virtua Cop 2

Virtua Cop 2

Sega Saturn

People always say that light gun games are not as fun to play at home as they are in the arcade. I disagree. True, it definitely isn't quite the same. Having a gun in your hand at the arcade, blasting away at bad guys and reloading frantically in the middle of combat is a pretty unique gaming experience. I am sure there is a light gun for the Sega Saturn out there somewhere that you can play this game with and have a similar experience as if you were playing in the arcade, but I actually don't mind playing this at home with a controller in hand.

Virtua Cop 2 for the Saturn is basically a direct port of the arcade game, with a few minor changes added to make things a little different. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of the game, it is basically a "rail shooter". You can't move your character, but you can control a cursor on the screen that is basically your target reticule. Bad guys are constantly popping in at you from all directions, and it is your job to take them out.... or DIE! Don't expect very deep game play here. You point. You shoot. You reload. And that's about it.

You get about five or six shots out of your gun before you have to reload. In the arcade, you have to point the gun off the screen and fire to reload. On the Saturn, all you have to do is hit a button and it reloads for you. It definitely is a lot easier on the home console as you can basically keep on blasting away at your enemeies without having to reload affect your aim.

The thing that makes Virtua Cop immediately different from other games of this variety is the target that pops up around each enemy. The target changes color as the enemy is getting ready to shoot. So if there are multiple enemies on the screen, you want to take out the ones that are closer to firing at you first. Back in the day I didn't like this addition. I thought the target was too big and colorful and distracted from everything else going on. I had played other games like Lethal Enforcers and Area 51, and I considered this completely unnecessary. But hey I have grown to like it and now consider it an integral part of the Virtua Cop gaming experience.

In addition to the bad guys that appear on screen, there are also innocent civilians. Shoot one on accident and you lose a life. Unfortunately the bad cop strategy doesn't pay off in this game. The environments in this game take damage as well. I got shot a countless number of times while playing this game simply because I was too distracted firing away at background objects to see what my bullets would do to them. I don't know why, but there is just something incredibly fulfilling about blowing away an ATM, shooting drumsets on a stage, or picking out glass display cases rather than actually killing your enemies. My favorite level to shoot stuff on has to be the cruise ship. There is a branch that you can take to go to the ship's kitchen. In the kitchen, there are glasses and pots and pans hanging from the shelves that I take great glee in blowing away. But my favorite things to shoot have to be the watermelons that are sitting out on the countertops. Why is it so satisfying to fire away at them and watch them explode and scatter all over the place? I don't know, but even at the risk of getting hit by enemy fire I do it every time.

Enemies react appropriately (most of the time) based on where you shoot them. Shoot them in the leg and they go down, but still live. Shoot them in the belly and they hold their gut and hunch over. Hit them in the head, and it is game over for them. In fact, unless you hit them in the head, be prepared to shoot each enemy at least three times. This is simple stuff in games nowadays that we take for granted, but Virtua Cop as far as I know was one of the first games to do something like this.

So it is just a lot of fun to shoot things. Which is good, because it is a shooting game. Whether you are shooting bad guys, taking out the environment, or just going hog wild all over the place, you should have a good time. If you like this kind of game that is.

Don't expect too deep of a gaming experience. I don't know if there is a story to this game. As far as I know, you are a cop and you shoot bad guys. That's about all there is to it. And the game is very short as well. I believe I beat it in 26 minutes on my most recent play through.

As far as the game format goes, there are only three levels. Easy, medium, and (you guessed it) hard. The first level you break up a bank heist and end up hopping in a car and chasing the baddies back to their hideout. In the second level, you board a cruise ship and blow away more bad guys. On the final level, you head down into the subway system, blow away some bad guys, get on a subway, blow away some more bad guys, and enter a base where at the end you blow up a tank. Each level has its own boss at the end of it, but none of them are hard. At all.

After you have beaten all three levels (which you can play in any order) you face off against the game's final boss. He just flies around and you shoot him, while shooting down the projectiles he is launching at you. When you win, the game is over. Like I said, very short. Very simple. If you don't expect anything more than this out of Virtua Cop you should love the game like I do.

There isn't much to keep you playing, other than exploring different branches you can take in each level. But they all lead to the same places. There is also a two player mode which is probably a lot of fun. But I was never able to find anyone to play with.

Don't expect to beat the game on its default settings. True, the game isn't that hard but they don't give you nearly enough lives or continues to make it all the way through. I had to crank my lives and my continues up to 9 each, just to be sure I would be able to make it through okay. I think I got shot 30 or so times. So I had plenty of lives left over. But this definitely wouldn't have been enough to get me through on the default setting. I don't consider it cheating. I consider it like I had a pocketful of quarters at the arcade. I was not going to stop until I had completed the game.

There isn't much else to say about this. It's a quick, fun, light hearted experience. If you aren't a fan of the genre, don't go out of your way to get this. Even if you are a fan, I wouldn't bother spending more than a few bucks on this at the bargain bin. It's short and it is easy and there isn't a whole lot of replay value here. But it was a great arcade title and it definitely had a big influence on many games out there today. And it is definitely a lot of fun. I wasted more hours on the arcade and the home version of this game than I care to admit. For me, I consider this a fringe classic... but probably only because it has sentimental value to me. For everyone else, it is likely just a quaint little game that played its part in history and will be forgotten forever.

Overall:

B

VHS Tape #4: Funny Tape

The fourth VHS tape in a line of many, many more to come


(00:00:00)

The Man Show - Doug's Mom Reviews Porn skit

MXC. Addicts vs Donors. I think I missed the very first part of this episode. I actually have the first part of this on Tape 14, but that's a ways away.
- Brass Balls
- Pole Riders. Apparently that's it for this episode. Why did I even bother recording just a little part of it?

MXC. Zoologists vs Reality Contestants
- Window Pain. Contestants swing from a rope across the water and try to latch on to a velcro wall. Kenny Babaganoosh is in this segment. Sweet!
- Dash to Death
- Loogie Launch.
- Endangering Species.
- Log Drop

MXC. Outdoors vs Educators
- Wall Bangers
- Sinkers and Floaters
- Window Pain. Haddash Babaganoosh is in this segment and actually wins the event!
- Pole Riders
- Log Drop

(00:36:38)

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Fake Celebrity Jeopardy skit. John Edward is played by Gilbert Godfried. A fake Martha Stewart and Arnold Schwarzenegger also play.

Trigger Happy TV. A lot of stuff goes on in this show. It's basically a hidden camera program where a lot of gags are played on the general public. Since there are a ton of clips, I shall just post the highlights!
- A man in a sad penguin suit is delivered to the dry cleaners
- Dog catcher searches a beach for wild shih-tzus
- Mail man in a Speedo delivers letters on the beach

Funny animal clips from some show on Animal Planet.
- Rooster picks on a dog
- Large dog drags small dog by the tail around the floor

Trigger Happy TV
- Sad duck stands outside a butcher shop
- Man sets up shop as a bathroom attendant outside a gas station rest room
- White woman dressed a a Native American tap dances and says it's a traditional dance.\
- Guy in a rat suit fights with a cook at a restaurant
- Cheerleader cheers on people in the subway station
- Man walks around a swimming pool and screams into a huge cell phone
- Political candidate on the street makes out with a baby
- Cheerleader cheers on a man pumping gas at a gas station
- Naked man gets on elevator
- Marching band follows a guy walking down the street
- Giant eyeballs walk around the beach

Crank Yankers
- Guy claiming to be a psychic calls a woman to give her a free reading, and doesn't get anything right about her
- Mexican guy calls a company and complains that Spanish should be the #1 choice after dialing the number, not English.
- Special Ed calls a woman and tries to get piano lessons. He plays the piano and sings horribly for her, pissing the woman off. Yayyyy!
- Old man who someone had made a donation in his name calls the charity and wants to know where he can pick up his money
- Prank caller named the Truth calls a sportscaster and wants to be hired as part of the team

(1:17:08)

COPS
- Crazy old drunk black man keeps calling 911 for no reason, bringing the police to his house.
- Cops encounter a drugged up shirtless guy on the street who is totally bugging out. He spouts a lot of nonsense, such as "We're going to war. They're eating the babies. Look at the sky!" He tries to run from the police and gets taken down.
- Suicidal dude stands in an alley and threatens to stab himself. He has a shirt with a swastika on it and is holding a bottle of alcohol in his other hand. He's batshit crazy too. "Officer Campbell? Do you make soup? Why don't you go home and make soup? I have no reason to live!" He is tackled and arrested. These are some good COPS clips. I love the crazy people!

(1:30:05)

Dave Chappelle - a parody of the anti drug commercial about a bunch of stoned guys at a drive thru who run over a little girl.

COPS
- YES! This is the clip I've been waiting for. The police are called to the house of a woman who thinks there are people in her attic. The cops come in and check it out, but no one is there. The funny thing about this one is the woman. Holy crap. Another loon! She's really old and has a raspy voice you can barely understand. Makeup is smeared all over her face. She has giant Coke bottle glasses, and says a lot of weird shit. "They're coming to capture me. They've been coming here for years." Insane people rule.
- Officer catches two people having sex in a car. The guy involved lies to the cop, presents a fake ID and gets arrested.
- The police respond to a stabbing incident. The suspect is arrested with little fanfare.
- Cops are called in to a dispute between a black family and a Middle Eastern family. The two families don't get along and argue and fight and come on each other's property all the time.

MAD TV
- Crazy woman works at a Valentine's Day candy store. She falls in love with a weird nerd boy who comes in shopping for his mother, and she pukes. Then they make out. Nice.

(1:55:49)

Clip of Barbara singing on Inspiration Time. After her song, Hilton sings. The song cuts out halfway through it and cuts to Hilton speaking to the audience and quoting scripture.

COPS.
- The police set up a sting operation for thieves at a subway station. An undercover officer staggers around, pretending to be drunk and unresponsive while flashing some bling bling. When people try to take his things, they get arrested.
- Police go under the subway and investigate the area where homeless people live.
- Cops pull out a body that got hit by a subway train
- Police respond to a brawl at the subway station. A guy got stabbed and had part of his bowel hanging out.
- Another sting operation with the drunk undercover officer. This one takes place on a moving subway car.

(2:18:23)

Family Feud spoof on Comedy Central. A fake Louie Anderson hosts. Boxer vs Wrestler team. This clip cuts out about halfway through.

COPS.
- The police organize a raid on a drug house and arrest a bunch of people

MAD TV
- Miss Swan goes to a gay bar and sings Dancing Queen

(2:33:17)

COPS
- Police are called to remove a bat from a house. They struggle immensely with this. It's funny.

Clip of a man praying at a Hilton Griswold event.

COPS
- Police respond to a traffic accident. They have to use the jaws of life to get someone out who is trapped inside the car.

Clip of some news special with Princess Di's secret recorded voice diaries.

COPS
- The police arrest a young black man who was selling drugs on the streets of Philly. He tries to run and proclaims his innocence. They arrest the white woman who was buying from him too.
- The police are called to a house where a man is holding down a wild dog who was trying to bite people. SpokAnimal comes and takes the dog away.
- Cops talk to a couple of old guys who are out camping. The old men are asked if they have a gun in the truck and they lie about it and get caught.

(3:00:51)

MXC. Hoteliers vs Entrepreneurs
- Dirty Muddy Balls. Players jump into a mud pit and try to catch a ball that's launched into the air.
- Saddle Sores. People in roller skates and giant horse suits race toward the finish line. At the end of the first race, Someone falls out of their suit as they cross the finish line.
- Staff Infectors. Players must knock each other into the water with giant swabs.
- Rotating Surfboard of Death. Minibal Bababanoosh is in this segment :)

(3:17:35)

COPS
- The police respond to a domestic disturbance call. An old couple is verbally arguing. The police can't really do anything about it though, because they are both married and have lived in the same house for 28 years. The old man, who is crazy by the way, gets irate at the police and says he's going to write a letter and send a video to his congressman about this.
- A black man on crutches tries to run from the police. He doesn't get far. He tries to jump into a random moving car and gets dragged before falling to the ground and getting arrested. "I wuz scared!"
- A ghetto white dude who looks like Eminem is caught digging a hole in his yard. He was trying to bury a bong and other drug paraphernalia.

MXC. Spring Break Extravaganza: Battle of the College Chicks
- A football type game where players grab a ball and try to run past a bunch of padded up dudes
- Sinkers and Floaters
- Ball Busters
- Log Drop

(3:46:18)

COPS
- The police try to break up a fight outside a bar between a bunch of black people. When one of the girls is being restrained, a guy jumps on the back of an officer to pull her away. He gets tazed and everyone is arrested.
- An officer pulls over a car that rolls through a stop sign. The car reeks of marijuana, and blunts are found in the car. When the cop questions the driver about pot, the driver says that it's healthier than cigarettes, and he wouldn't mind being on an airplane where the pilot was high.
- A white male in an orange shirt is arrested after a domestic violence call is placed. He claims that he was punched in the face first. He is arrested and that's it. It's a short clip.
- A crazy, irate white dude is arrested after assaulting an Arab gas station attendant
- White trash neighbors fight over keeping their yards clean

JKX
- A guy is set up with a cross dresser on spring break, much to his dismay.
- Spring breakers are tricked into thinking they are going to see a free Creed concert. Instead they get Kris Kreed. "I'm high, I'm high on life..."
- Judge Jamie. A woman sues her friend for wrecking her car.
- Jamie annoys people at a restaurant with his loud cell phone ringer. He also yells and sings into the phone. "You're a poser.... I don't really need you - rock and rooooooll, yeah!!"
- Jamie tricks an audience viewing a screening for a fake version of his TV show

Spy TV
- A guy selling ice cream claims that the money people are paying him is counterfeit
- A group of guys help a woman break into a car and then take the blame when she runs off with the stereo and the cops come
- Blackjack scam on the golf course
- Security guards are tricked into keeping workers from escaping from a factory
- Mom is tricked into thinking her son is in a port-a-potty that gets lifted by a helicopter

JKX.
- Jamie dresses up as Brad Gluckman and tries to convince a family to let him move in
- Jamie X's a yoga class

(5:11:35)

Spy TV. This is the farting chair in a waiting room skit.

COPS.
- Kodiak City! A couple crazy drunk Alaskan women get in a bar fight and are taken off by the cops. They are really fucking nuts. I need a fan down here, bastards!
- Jessie! A crazy old blond lady is arrested for being verbally abusive to the cops. She's drunk too.

JKX - Judge Jamie takes a case about a restaurant owner who sues an employee for breaking a counter

Skateboard Show.
- Guys go fishing in a Japanese Tea Garden
- Man walks around with a leaf blower and annoys people
- Skateboard delivery man delivers packages and wipes out
- Man takes a giant piece of meat into different stores and tries to get his money back for it
- Tom Green and a bunch of skateboarders eat horse poo and mess with people

COPS
- Crazy old white guy threatens some fat black women with a knife. The cops are called and they take him down. A unibrow of blood forms across his forehead. This dude is really nuts.

Jerry Springer - Weirdo black guy tries to control a fat white prostitute with money\

AFV
- Upside down cat stretches
- Kiss Me Montage
- Cat meets dolphin
- Cat squeezes into a bottle
- 27 punches in 23 seconds
- Wedding cake mishap montage

COPS.
- Police officer dresses up as Coco the Clown to catch prostitutes. "Loan me the money." Crack whore eating french fries.
- Other prostitution strings where johns are taken down. The first john arrested is a truck driver in a Jerry Rice jersey. The second is an old man.
- More Coco stings. Crazy lady is arrested. The last lady arrested is a white trash chick who is in town to bury her parents
- Rudy! Cops pull over a car where a jaded criminal is hanging out with an under aged transexual.

(6:14:41)

JKX.
- Jamie plays an old waiter at a restaurant in a motorized cart. He messes up a lot, and loses control of his cart and runs into tables.

Spy TV
- Dude at a gym acts as an annoying personal trainer who pisses everyone off
- Old people at a mall take a quiz where inappropriate questions are asked. My favorite part of this segment is when an old white dude is asked if he prefers to kick it or chill while he's at his crib. He gets a confused look on his face and says "I haven't been in the crib since I was a baby."
- Dude in a panda suit harasses people at a mini golf course
- Man takes a car on a test drive and uses the vehicle to run his errands. The salesman, who is in the car with him, gets really pissed off after a while.

JKX
- B-Rad annoys people at a golf course.
- Jamie plays a tour bus driver who takes tourists into Bob Saget's home without his knowledge. There is weird stuff in his house, like a pig's head in the refrigerator and a whole shitload of homemade porn videos. Bob Saget comes home and is pissed off because he did not give them permission to enter his home. It's funny.
- Jamie hires an Asian man to fire people for him. A lot of people get pissed at the Asian guy, including an old man and a lady in a wheelchair.

(6:46:19)

COPS
- The starer clip. A man claims that two prostitutes stole his wallet. The hookers are arrested, including a poofy haired chick who just can't believe it. She stares at the cops and has to get wrestled to the ground when she tries to get away. Then the guy is also arrested for soliciting prostitution. Dumbass!

A very short South Park clip where Timmy is singing on stage with a heavy metal band

AFV
- Pop goes the Weasel music montage of people getting hit in the face with corks among other things
- Bucking Broncos vs Kids Sleeping on Toilets
- Fat person floating in pool looks like she's dead
- Guy gets hit in crotch with baseball
- Little boy tries to cross a river and keeps falling down in the mud
- 28 Glass Breaks in 26 seconds
- Ferret steals socks
- Cat won't step through a door after the glass has been removed. She has to wait for it to be opened.
- Gorilla picks it's nose and eats it
- Blur: Song 5 music montage of extreme sports mishaps

JKX
- Judge Jamie. A man sues another man for not paying after he installed 5 French doors in a home for him. Apparently the job was not done properly. The judge has a hard time understanding the case and keeps getting confused because the plaintiff used to work at a sports bar.
- Jamie plays a bizarre driving teacher who instructs a girl who looks like a young Helen Hunt. He goes to visit his wife on the route, and she beats on the car with a baseball bat, scaring the girl. On the way back he gives his brother, a crossdresser, a ride. The girls looks mortified.
- Jamie plays a wine conossieur who is coming off surgery and has his mouth wired open. He attends a wine tasting event, and spills the wine all over the place because of his mouth. He gets really drunk and makes a fool out of himself.
- A young dude visits Jamie, a psychic. Jamie tells him he will meet the love of his life at a party. When the dude goes to the party, Jamie dresses up as a woman and tells him that he is his soulmate.

Spy TV
- Pizza delivery drivers get caught in a high tech laser security system
- May Pat Morita use your bathroom?
- The Talkie Bot 5000 scene, The Talkie Bot is a robot at a toy store that is supposed to respond to voice commands. It doesn't work very well.
- A hand pops out of the dryer at a bathroom and scares people.

Funny clip of a group of Christians singing on stage. One of the people is a fat female who looks like she has Down Syndrome. Another person is a kid who looks gay, and is VERY into the song.

(7:42:23)

AFV
- Funny graduation clips

Funny Game Show Moments
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the Dating Game
- The host of a show tells a girl she has pretty nipples
- Where is the strangest place you've ever made whoopie? "In the ass."
- Anne Robinson from Weakest Link starts laughing in the middle of a round of questions
- Horrible Family Feud answers
- Blond shemale is caught buying drugs

Spy TV
- Ralphie May proposes to his girlfriend at a restaurant and she rejects him while the restaurant patrons are videotaping for Ralphie.
- A face behind a mirror in a public bathroom scares people

JKX
- Jamie proposes to his girlfriend in front of an audience at a college basketball game and gets rejected. They bring him out at halftime to participate in a free throw shooting game to win free tickets and he fails miserably and gets booed.

Spy TV
- People get tickets as they pull into parking spots in front of an expired meter. They don't even have chance to put money in.
- Two girls who order a cake come to pick up the cake, and the wrong name is written on it. Instead of Sanam, the cake reads Satan.

END OF TAPE

Video Game Review: Mega Man

Mega Man

Nintendo Entertainment System

The Mega Man series is unique for me because I never actually owned a Mega Man game growing up. But I still view the first title as an NES classic and one of the best side scrollers out there. Since I didn't own the game, I was only able to play it when visiting a friend's house (his name was Brian, and he lived across the street from me. He was a real trouble maker. I wonder whatever happened to him?). I don't think I ever beat the game. We were just little kids, about 6 years old, and this game was a little too hard for us. Aside from the first game in the series, I have only played Mega Man 2 and a little bit of Mega Man 3. So there is a whole lot of Mega Man out there that I have yet to experience.

Despite the fact that I have never owned a single game in the series and haven't played a Mega Man title past number three, I still think it is awesome. I love the graphics, I love the music. I love all the bosses and how you have to fight them in a certain order to make the game more manageable to complete. And believe it or not I like the difficulty too. True, this game is very difficult. If you are not an accomplished gamer, don't expect to pick this up and have any kind of success whatsoever with this title. Mega Man is notorious for its brutal difficulty, but that is also part of what makes it so memorable.

About 8 or 9 years ago, I picked up the Mega Man Anniversary Collection disc for the Nintendo Gamecube. I think it is 8 something Mega Man titles all on one disc. Having never owned a Mega Man game growing up, I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to catch up on all the fun I never had the chance to have as a kid.

I played through the first two titles pretty quickly. They were difficult, but manageable. Especially in the internet age where I could just look up what order to play the levels in, what weapons are the best to take down each boss, things of this nature. But for whatever reason I stalled out and never got around to playing Mega Man 3. This was, like I said, about 7 or 8 years ago. Inexcusable!

Now I am out to remedy that mistake. In the next year or so I plan to play through every Mega Man title on the disc, starting with the original Mega Man. And what a game the original is.

Firing this up, I was immediately transported back to the 80's. I became that little snot nosed video game obsessed kid again who could only play Mega Man at his friend's house. Except I am a lot better of a player now, and was able to tackle this game with relative ease. I will admit that I did cheat and look up the order in which to play the levels. I did look up boss strategies. Sue me. I could have opted to go in blind (since it has been so long since I have played this) but I have sooo many other games to play - it could have taken me days to master this on my own. People had Nintendo Power back in the day to help them out, so whatever. I don't feel guilty about it.

This game still holds up remarkably well. There is a reason they have recently made Mega Man 9 and 10 in the mold of the NES classics. Because they are fucking classics. The game has a very simple look, but it never seems too primitive or old fashioned.

Mega Man looks nice. The enemies are all varied and well designed. The levels each have their own unique looks and feels. And the controls are just as responsive as ever. You can never blame the controls when you die in a Mega Man game (and you will die many many times). Mega Man moves exactly in tune with the controller. If you die, it is because of your mistake and your mistake alone.

The real challenge of the game - to me anyway - isn't in the fighting. Sure there are some tough stage enemies but they can mostly be dispatched pretty easily. Same with the bosses as well. They all have patterns that they follow and can be very easy to predict. The real challenge comes from the platforming. You have to be spot on with your jumping game, or you have no chance.

So much of the game is jumping from platform to platform, from ledge to ledge, ladder to ladder. Yeah the enemies can (and will) kill you on occasion, but most of my deaths came from falling to my oblivion. There were many points in the game where I thought - no way can I do this. Only to completely master the section a handful of lives later. The first fucking stage there is this platform that flips up when you are riding on it, and you have to jump a gap in the tracks and land back on it when it flips down. That is hard enough - a little while later there is a whole series of gaps in the track. I was like "omfgas;aks;1wop12i1[wq,pl[kl2kew" when I first tried to complete this section. I thought there was no way I could do it. But just stick in there, and you will soon see that anything that the game puts in front of you is possible to master.

You can play each stage (except for the final one) in any order you please. You must defeat the boss of every stage, gaining their powers as you go on. Depending on the order you play the levels in, certain boss fights are made easier depending on which other boss's power you have. For example the powers of Ice Man will help you defeat Fire Man. So if you attempt to defeat Fire Man first, you may have a harder time beating him then you would if you had tackled Ice Man previously.

When you are finally done with each one, you head to the final stage (which is really 4 stages in one) where you must once again defeat each boss, and then face off against Dr Wily at the end of the game. This battle took me several attempts before I finally beat him, and then I learned that the fire weapon makes his HP shoot down to nothing in like 5 seconds if you use it properly. So he is really not that hard if you know how to beat him. Which really goes for this entire game. It really isn't that hard if you know what to do. And having a wicked gaming skill set doesn't hurt either.

I don't know if this is a Mega Man Collection only thing or not, but the game often saved at various points as I played. There was also an unlimited number of continues at my disposal. I know the original Mega Man didn't save, but I wonder if there were unlimited continues in that game too, or if you had to start from the beginning after you ran out of lives. That would make the game REALLY difficult. It would diminish my accomplishment of beating the game in about an hour or two if I found out that you did not actually have unlimited continues in the original game. But hey, ignorance is bliss. And right now I am running with it. I totally owned this game, yo!

If I haven't made it clear already, I really like this title. It goes down in the annals of NES classics as a top twenty title, for sure. And the scary thing about Mega Man is that the sequel is even better. So I am in for a real treat whenever I decide to move on to the second game. I'm giving this game a solid A. Not an A+, because that would indicate that the game can not be improved upon. And I know that from playing the sequel, the Mega Man formula can indeed be improved upon.  Plus the game is really short.

But Mega Man, yes. A classic. I am so glad I have this series in my life now. And I can not wait to play more.

Overall:

A

For a complete index of all my past posts and game reviews, click

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