Video Game Review #524: The Ren & Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs

The Ren & Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs

Super Nintendo

Nostalgia Factor:

I first played this game back in 1994 or '95. I didn't have a Super Nintendo back then, but my stepbrother Kyle brought his over for the weekend. We went to Blockbuster and checked out this game. I remember being super excited to play it, only for that excitement to quickly turn into disappointment because the game sucked so bad. Back then, when you rented a game for the weekend, you generally forced yourself to try and like it, so you could squeeze your money's worth out of the game. But there was no forcing myself to like this one. My stepbrother and I abandoned it for the entire weekend after just an hour or two of playing it. All I remember from my time with the game was how we did not like it, and how it consisted of just two level types, looped over and over again.

I am not sure why I decided to revisit it here in 2024. I suppose my end goal of this blog is to review every game I have ever played in my life, so it was inevitable I'd eventually come around to this game.

Would I find that I had been too harsh on the game, or would I find that my bad memories of it were completely justified? Time to dive in.

Story:

This must be one of those games you need the instruction manual for, because NOTHING about the story is actually explained in-game. I have not seen the Ren & Stimpy episode this is based on either, so I came into this knowing absolutely nothing about what was going on.

From what I was able to gather from my short time with the game, Ren & Stimpy are trying to help out at the local fire station by gathering all the equipment for the firefighters and putting the equipment in the fire truck. But they are doing it undercover, as the firefighters do not like them because they aren't Dalmatians. So they have to paint themselves as Dalmatians to sneak by. Or something. I don't know.

Like I said, nothing is explained through in-game cutscenes or text sequences. You are just immediately thrust into the action.

Gameplay:

This game operates on a day-to-day schedule, similar to Paperboy. Once you've made it through all the days - you beat the game. Not that I bothered with trying to do that. I passed about two or three days before the game became too annoyingly difficult for me. So I told myself it just wasn't worth it and I stopped playing and shut the game off.

Yeah, it is that bad.

Each in-game day consists of two stages: a side-scrolling stage where you collect fire equipment at the fire station, and a stage where you run around with a trampoline catching things that are being thrown out of burning buildings. You don't actually fight any fires in this game.

Let's start with the side-scrolling stages, and why they suck. You start out by the fire truck in the station, and you see an outline of all the items you have to collect. A fireman helmet, coat, boots, rope, etc. You have to scour the station for these items as a timer winds down. If you don't collect them all and return to the fire truck in time, you die and lose a life. Then you have to start all over again.

The fire station is like a maze. The only way to make your way through it is by trial and error, remembering where all the items are hidden and how to get there. As the game progresses, the station gets bigger and bigger, more maze-like, and more difficult to navigate. Fires pop up and can burn you, smoke clouds cover your face, but most threatening of all is the fireman that roams the station, seemingly at random. If he touches you, he kills you with one hit. So you have to run away from him. He's like the alien stalking you in Alien Isolation, or the Nemesis in Resident Evil. He touches you once, you die and have to start the whole level over again. The way to avoid him is by painting yourself like a Dalmatian. He won't attack you when you look like one. Unfortunately, there are sprinklers and other obstacles set up to wash your paint off and make you vulnerable again.

When I first tried playing this game, I couldn't even make it past the first level. It took me like six attempts. I didn't realize there was a run button, and that you could use the items in your inventory, such as the fire extinguisher (which puts out small fires and freezes the pursuing fireman). I also didn't realize how the whole "paint yourself like a Dalmatian" thing worked. Nothing is explained in the game, and it never tells you which button does what. So I had a very miserable time trying to make it through the first level when I didn't know how anything worked. Another instance of it being valuable to have the manual for the game.

I was ready to say "fork this" and turn the game off, giving it an F score and labeling it as the worst game I've played for this blog. But I stepped away, found an online copy of the game's manual, and familiarized myself with the mechanics of the game. When I returned and played the first level again, I was able to beat it easily with the knowledge I had at hand. And you know what? I had a decent time doing it.

Then I moved onto the second part of the first day: the trampoline stage. In this stage, you have to catch things being thrown from a burning building in a trampoline that Ren and Stimpy are running around and holding. Once you save a pre-determined amount of items, gold coins are tossed down. You have to collect enough to fill a meter, at which point you clear the stage. Once again, you are timed. If the timer runs out and you haven't collected enough gold, you die and have to start the stage over again.

These stages are a MAJOR pain in the butt. I do not have a problem with them in theory, but in practice they are way too long. It takes you like six minutes to fill that meter. Six minutes of running around catching things, with little to no time to breathe, and no margin for error. It sucks.

But if you pass the stage, you make it to the next in-game day, where you again have to explore the fire house to collect all of the needed fire fighting items. Pass this stage, and you play another trampoline stage. Pass this, and you move along to the next in-game day. Each day gets progressively harder. Like I said, I didn't bother to play past the third day. I'd seen enough, and I was not having any fun whatsoever. Apparently you have to go through all seven days of the week, and then you see an ending sequence and you beat the game.

Noooooo thank you. I consider myself fairly easy to please. On top of that, I am someone who will almost never review a game until I've finished it, just to give it a fair shake. There was no chance of that happening here. That's how bad and repetitive it was.

Graphics:

I suppose the game looks okay. I am not too familiar with the source material, as I never watched Ren & Stimpy as a kid. But it seems to capture the look and feel of the show pretty well. The fire station looks good. The visual effects like the water sprinklers look nice, as do the character animations. I love the game's use of color, as well.

Unfortunately, as there are only two different level types (the fire station and the trampoline stages), you better get used to looking at the same thing over and over again.

Sound:

The game sounds good. It has a nice, upbeat soundtrack that sticks in your head as you play. The soundtrack may be the best thing about the game. A couple of the game's tunes are 16-bit versions of classical songs, such as Sevilla and the William Tell Overture. These immediately went onto my video game music playlist.

 

Overall:

This is not a good game, and it is indeed one of the worst games I've played for this blog. That said, once you understand the game's mechanics it does become a bit more fun to play. I suppose if I actually owned this game as a kid, I would have forced myself to play it over and over until I became a master of it. I would have tried to convince myself I liked it.

I am not going to give it an F. It's not unplayable garbage or anything like that. But let's be real and admit that this is not a good game, by any definable metric. The fact that I didn't even bother to finish it, when I generally make it a rule to finish every game I review, should tell you something about how bad this is. Even if you are a big Ren and Stimpy fan, I would suggest avoiding this game at all costs. 

THE GRADE:

D-

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Video Game Review #523: Stray

Nostalgia Factor:

I, like many people, first heard about Stray when it was released back in 2022. I remember the game's popularity exploding out of nowhere. It immediately piqued my interest. I like video games. I like cats. I have an orange cat. A game where you play as an orange cat? Sign me up! But you know me. I refuse to buy anything brand-new. I decided to wait until the game was free or I could pick it up for dirt cheap, no matter how long down the road that was.

Turns out, I wouldn't have to wait too long. I've been on a kick of getting games from my local library, and I decided to do a quick search and see if they had Stray. Lo and behold: they did! I put the game on hold, and a few days later it was ready for me to come pick up.

Would the game live up to the tremendous hype, or would it fall flat on its face? Let's find out!

Story:

I came into this game completely blind, and I have to say that it went in a direction I would have never seen coming. I expected a cutesy game where you play as a cat, and do silly cat things. Maybe something akin to Untitled Goose Game. That's not what we got. At all. I imagine that this must be how people felt about Ecco the Dolphin back in the 90s. They expected a cute, fun, kids game where you play as a dolphin. Instead they got a story about a time travel and aliens. Similarly, Stray isn't just a silly kids game where you play as a kitty cat. It is a post apocalyptic tale of a group of robots trapped within a walled city.

 Like I said, I came into this game knowing nothing. The action begins with you and a group of other cats strolling through an abandoned sewer or irrigation system of some kind. Big rusty pipes and that kind of thing. Your cat slips and  falls down into a walled city that is populated by robots. The cat activates a drone that has the brain of a scientist downloaded on it. The sentient drone joins forces with the cat, and they go on a journey through the robot city in order to find a way out of it.

Along the way you encounter a colorful cast of robot characters. The setting of the game reminds me of the Stephen King novel The Wastelands, where the characters discover robots on a programmed loop doing the same thing for all eternity. Some of the robots seem to be gaining sentience, however, and are looking for a way out of the city.

The whole game had a very Nier Automato-ish feel to it, with the characters often saying similar things to the characters in Nier. There is even a city in a treehouse populated by robots that feels like it was pulled right out of Nier. I always felt that the story of Nier fell flat for me. Guess how I felt here? Exactly the same. Been there, done that, a thousand times over.

 

Gameplay:

Stray seems heavily influenced by other games I've played in the past. It starts out in a linear fashion. You just have to make your way from point A to point B. A little icon indicates where you can jump. Just hit the button and the computer makes the jump for you. You don't actually have a normal jump like you would in a platformer. Speaking of which: this is not a platformer. The way you jump and skip along, doing parkour while hitting x, reminded me a bit of the gameplay in Uncharted or Assassin's Creed. You often have to find a way to traverse some dangerous situations, like jumping from balcony to balcony. You have to look up and around, and see where you need to jump. You can think you are stuck, but then you notice a signpost jutting out that you can jump on to make a crossing. That's the main challenge early on in the game. Just finding out where to go is almost like you are solving a puzzle itself.

As the game progresses, things open up a bit more. The only way I can think to describe these parts is... Shenmue? You have to walk around and talk to people. They tell you who you need to talk to next. You collect things for people and do jobs for them. It just reminded me off and on of Shenmue for some reason. Am I the first person ever to mention these two games in the same breath?

There are occasional stealth segments as well. Metal Gear.

The game also has strong walking simulator vibes. So that's how I would describe it. Not a cutesy cat game geared towards kids, but a walking simulator peppered with elements of Nier: Automata, Uncharted, Shenmue, and Metal Gear. 

And it sucks.

Okay, maybe sucks is a bad word. It is just not very good. I thought it was boring AF. I spent way too much time wandering around trying to figure out where it was I was supposed to be going and what I was supposed to be doing. Even when the game is moving along from chapter to chapter, I still didn't find myself very interested in what was going on. I had no connection to the storyline. And in a game with such weak gameplay elements, it HAS to have a good storyline. And it didn't.

The game is so dim and dreary. There is no element of fun to be found here. It's almost like the ability to play as a cat is more of a gimmick that anything else. They could have just as easily told this story with a human character. It is just completely the opposite of what I expected coming in. A happy, frolicking cat adventure this is not. 

Graphics:

The game looks fantastic. I have to give credit where it is due. The post apocalyptic world seems so decayed and pathetic. It is filled with such small, smart details, from the posters on the wall to the garbage you'd see strewn about. Really felt like a dead, forgotten world.

When the robots are introduced, the game takes on more of a cyberpunk feel to it, which (again) is not what I expected from this game coming into it. The neon colors and the heavily sci-fi influenced locations look amazing. I really loved the world of the game, if anything.

Sound:

The game sounds pretty good. It's a very atmospheric game. All the little sound effects, like the humming of electricity and the patter of the cat's footsteps, all make the dead world feel very real. Occasionally you'll encounter an area where music is playing, and it is easy to get pulled right into the game. There is not a lot of voice acting here, which I suppose is okay because a cat doesn't really understand English. In all, I think the game definitely gets a thumbs up in the audio department.

Overall:

Meh. I was very unimpressed by the gameplay of this title. Stray is awesome in the audio and visual department, but lacking in the fun department. I often asked myself if I was enjoying myself as I played this game, and the answer was almost always no. I expected so much better. I almost feel as if a generic platformer where you controlled a cat would have been more fun than this. It was barely even about being a cat. It's about the robots and their struggles to regain humanity and escape the city.

If you like the game's story, you probably got much more out of it than I did. Can we agree the gameplay sucks, though? Sometimes a game can get away with it if the story is good, but I don't think that this was the case here. I didn't like the story. I didn't like the gameplay. I was interested in the setting and the atmospheric vibe of the story, but that's it.

Unfortunately, I can't really recommend Stray to anyone else. It does almost nothing for me. I suppose, in its defense, I can safely say that it is not a terrible or a bad game. I wasn't horribly offended by how awful it was as I played it. I just found it to be very bland. If you like the storyline, you will get more out of it than me. But I won't be returning to this anytime soon, if at all.

THE GRADE:

D+

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Video Game Review #522: Quake II

Quake II

Nintendo 64

Nostalgia Factor:

I first played Quake II back in 1998. I was a big fan of the first Quake game, but due to financial limitations I only ended up renting its sequel rather than buying it. I enjoyed the game, though, and dedicated an entire weekend to beating it. After returning the game to Blockbuster Video, I haven't played it again since. That means it has been nearly 26 years since I last touched this game.

All I can remember about the game is that at the time, I was impressed by its graphics and lighting effects. I can't remember any specific details about my time with the game, other than that I liked it. 

I purchased this game in 2011 at a used video game store for six bucks. It would sit on my shelf for thirteen years before I finally decided to pick it up and play through it again. Does this game still hold up after all this time? Let's find out!

Story:

No one cares about the storyline in these kinds of games. No one.

No one.

Including the game developers, as there is not a single mention as to what is going on the entire time you are playing. No cutscenes, no text, nothing. Not even an ending sequence when you beat the game. It just goes right into the credits when you defeat the final bosses.

Okay, then.

Gameplay:

This game was a bit of a shock to my system when I first started playing it. I play through the original Quake 64 every few years or so, and I've never had a problem with the controls or the aiming. This game? I had a lot of problems.

Lets start with character movement. It's a lot more sluggish and choppy than I had remembered. Lining up jumps is difficult. Aiming is difficult. This game lacks the fluidity of its predecessor. To top it off, the controller scheme is weird, too. Hey Nintendo - no one wants to use the yellow directional buttons on the controller to move the character. Didn't want to with Turok, didn't want to here. Luckily, the controller layout can be changed to the analog stick.

I also found it very difficult to hit enemies. The first Quake had a little bit of an auto-aim to it, where if you were off by a centimeter or two, your shots would still hit the enemy. In this game, there is no auto-aim. You have to be very precise with your firing. Normally, I don't mind this. I'm not a little wimp. I can shoot enemies without the help of auto-aim. But the sluggish, choppy controls make this game VERY hard to hit the enemy. I've wasted entire clips of ammunition without even hitting my target - and I am not someone who is bad at shooting games. It's just crappy mechanics at play here.

Other gripes - it is not always responsive when you press the fire button. Some weapons take a second or so to get going, and although it may not seem like much it still makes things much more challenging than they should be. Other weapons continue to fire after you let go of the shoot button, further wasting more ammunition in the process. I often found myself running out of ammo as I played, which almost never happens to me in these kinds of games. It is because I wasted so many bullets because the aiming is just complete shit. I also don't like how difficult and slow it is to scroll through weapons. You can't just hit the switch button three times to switch from the pea-shooter to your chaingun. You have to cycle through each weapon one at a time, with the character pulling up  each gun onscreen, before you can move on. In the middle of hectic battles, this is not ideal. It's a pain in the ass, actually. I found that you can pause the game and select the weapon you want, but that really breaks up the flow of the action. It's lose/lose all around.

When I first began playing this game, I hated it. I thought to myself - this game is absolute dog shit when compared to the original Quake. I slogged through the first few levels, dying left and right. The game quickly became a chore to play through. To make matters worse, my N64 memory packs don't work anymore, so I had to enter passwords each time I'd start the game up again. Ugh. And it doesn't change your controller scheme, so I had to change it back to analog each and every time I played the game.

Now, from what I've written up to this point, you may think I hated this game. But it was around level 6 or so when my opinion started to change. I was really frustrated with this game and about ready to give up on it. I don't know what it is that changed, but I suddenly found myself doing well. Maybe it just took me a while to adjust to the choppy controls, the bad aiming, and the unusual enemy attack patterns, but all of a sudden I was racing through levels and destroying everything in my path with little to no resistance. And as a result, I was starting to have fun again.

I really enjoyed the latter two thirds of the game. The flaws were still present, but I had found my groove. While it had taken me about two weeks of off and on playing to get through the first third of the game, I was able to finish off the rest in a span of three or four days. The game was starting to feel like the Quake that I knew and loved.

Graphics:

This is a very dark game, to the point where it make it difficult to navigate the stages. Cranking up the brightness as soon as you start playing is an absolute must.

Visuals are good but not great. The whole game has that haunting, eerie atmosphere present in Doom 64 and the first Quake. Characters don't always look good, though. Some characters look like a rough mess of polygons. Action slows to a crawl at times, too. Everything has a graininess to it that never quite sat well with me. I like the N64 and I am used to the graininess in other games, but it was off-putting here for some reason.

That said, the stage design and the haunting ambience of the game save it from being a complete visual flop. I also liked the new lighting effects as well, which were a big deal back in 1998. I think this game runs with the N64 expansion pack. I'm sure it looks and runs much better with one of those. Unfortunately, I do not own one.

Note - for some reason, screenshots from this game were very very hard to find. I had to use some upscaled HD screenshots for this review, like the one you see above and below this section of the review. This game does NOT look this good on the original N64 hardware.

Sound:

This game shines in the audio department. The ambient music and sound effects really sell the creepiness factor of this game. The characters give you audio cues when you are spotted, which is always a nice thing to have in these games. The sound of explosions and gunfire perfectly matches the vibe of the game. I really have nothing to complain about in this department.

Overall:

Shockingly, I ended up having a pretty good time with this game. After the first handful of levels and my rough introduction to the game, I was thinking how this was going to be a D or a D- title. But as the game went on and I began adjusting myself to the controls and the flow of the game, I really started to enjoy myself.

Look, I understand this is a flawed game with some severe limitations. I am not going to deny that. But if you can overcome those limitations, you are going to find a pretty fun game under all that. Quake II won't be for everyone - and I can easily say that the first game completely blows it out of the water. But it is a good game, and I'm glad I stuck with it and came around on it.

THE GRADE:

B-

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Video Game Review #521: Super Mario Galaxy

Super Mario Galaxy

Wii

Nostalgia Factor:

I first played Super Mario Galaxy back in 2009. It was one of the very first games I ever rented from GameFly. I don't remember much about the game, other than the fact that I was able to beat it, and I had a pretty good time with it. I haven't played it once in the 15 years since then.

I recently noticed that my local library has this game available to check out, so I figured why not? I was hoping my four-year-old would see how cool this game is, and take an interest in video games, but it didn't happen. Oh well. At least I could still play it for my own enjoyment.

So how would I like this game after all these years? Let's dive in. 

Story:

This isn't a game you really play for its story. I'm not going to sit here and go into a ton of detail, because to be honest, I wasn't paying much attention. Something about a starship traveling across the universe that is stuck in Mario's galaxy. Bowser decides to take advantage of the opportunity. He seizes the Princess (again) and uses the star power from this ship to attempt to create his own personal galaxy for him and the Princess.

Mario is called into action. It's his goal to collect enough power stars to refuel the starship, rescue the princess, and end Bowser's plans once and for all. Well, until the next time he decides to act a fool, anyway.

Gameplay:

The main gimmick of Super Mario Galaxy is how each stage takes place on a spherical world floating in outer space. At first I thought that this would get old pretty quickly, but it actually works out really well for this game.

If you've played Super Mario 64, you should be familiar with the control scheme. Action takes place in a fully 3D environment. Mario runs, jumps, and flips his way through a series of stages, collecting power stars. The gravity gimmick really works well with 3D Mario, and how you can run freely through each spherical stage without having to worry about falling off. I mean, you can fall off from time to time, but it is often impossible to do so.

Remember how the stars worked in Super Mario 64? That's how they work here, too. Each stage contains a set number of stars. Like Mario 64, you play through each stage, attempting to collect all the stars in it. It is not the end of the world if you miss a few. You mainly just want to make sure you are getting as many as you can, because the more you collect, the more stages open up to you.

 

In Mario 64, the stars were sometimes pretty well hidden, and you really had to scour each stage to find them all. In this game, the action is very focused. When you select a star from the stage's menu, the stage itself changes in a way that moves you towards the star. When you collect this star and return to the stage, the level layout will change in accordance with your new objective. The game pushes you towards this new star. There is almost no puzzle solving involved, and you rarely have to use your mind to figure out what to do next.

That leads me to my biggest complaint about the game: it is easy. It may be one of the easiest Mario games I have played. There is almost no challenge to be found here, whatsoever. It makes the game pretty accessible to younger players, which I suppose is good. And I have to admit it is a very, very fun game. I got hooked as I played this, telling myself I'd stop after just one more star. And then I'd keep playing and collect five more. But yes, it is very easy. I never once felt like I was in danger of running out of lives or continues. Most stars can be collected on one life - and if you die, you know what not to do next time. There was maybe one stage this entire game I died more than two times.

Boss battles are fun, but again: easy. I love analyzing their patterns and exploiting their weaknesses. It may be easy, but this game is never not fun. It is perhaps one of the most addicting games I've played in recent memories.

In addition to typical platforming stages, there are stages where you have to complete special tasks like racing or collecting hidden items. I know people don't like the underwater racing levels because of the weird motion controls, but I didn't mind them. Speaking of motion controls, I always enjoyed pointing the Wii remote at the screen and collecting as many stars as I could. There is just something very satisfying about this.

One last Mario 64 comparison: the hub world. Instead of Princess Peach's castle, the hub world takes place aboard the alien starship. Different observatories take you to different galaxies, which are essentially this game's version of the paintings in Mario 64. There are also special characters you can feed star fragments to, in order to gain access to new or hidden galaxies. This is one of those games where there is always something to do, whether in the overworld or in the actual stages themselves.

Graphics:

Maybe it is because I am someone who mainly just lives in the past, but this game was shockingly good looking in my eyes. It is a big step up from Mario 64 and Mario Sunshine, which are probably the "newest" Mario games I have played prior to playing this. And Mario Sunshine is 22 years old! Needless to say, this game blows both of them away.

Mario is very detailed and cartoon-looking. The enemies look sensational. The world of the game looks sensational. The special effects are sensational. Everything is sensational!

I don't know why, but I expected this game to be more bland looking. Maybe just because it is a Wii title? Well, it is definitely not bland. This is a very visually pleasing game.

Sound:

Mario games are known for their good music and sound effects, and this game is no exception. The soundtrack is phenomenal. The original songs are majestic and fit the grandiose, sci-fi feel of the game perfectly. I love the little jingle that plays when you collect a power star. 

Most of the classic Mario tunes make a return, and it was always a real treat to hear them brought to life on the Wii. Sound effects are flawless, too. Bravo, sound team!

Overall:

In case you could not tell, I liked this game. I had a blast from beginning to end. Once I dived into this game and got into the groove, I could barely put it down. I think I got something like 35 stars in one day? This game is addicting, there is no doubt about it.

This is the most "video gamey" video game I have played in a while, if that makes sense. It's not some interactive movie with lots of dialogue and story shoved in there, like God of War Ragnarok or The Witcher. It feels like a classic old game, with its short, rapid fire levels. You are never bored. You are almost always in control of your character. You are almost always having fun. And I like that.

I toyed with giving this game an A+. I was really addicted to this game, beating it in just a couple of days. I haven't had this much fun with a game in a while. So why won't I give it an A+? Because those perfect scores are reserved for awe-inspiring games that really change my life. While I had a great time with this, can I really say it left much of a lasting impression on me? Am I going to look back in 5 years and say "Wow, Super Mario Galaxy! What a classic! This changed my life." Probably not. It's a fun game, and I really had a great time with it, but it is not a perfect game. It would have been nice to face an actual challenge every once in a while, too.

So there you have it. Mario Galaxy. If you haven't played this game, you need to remedy that immediately. It's an amazing game.

A little bit of trivia before we depart: this is now my 15th review of a Mario game, tying it with Batman for my most reviewed gaming franchise out there. I hope you have enjoyed them all so far!

THE GRADE:

A

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Video Game Review #520: Lethal Enforcers II: Gun Fighters

Lethal Enforcers II: Gun Fighters

Arcade

Nostalgia Factor:

Growing up, I always loved the original Lethal Enforcers arcade game. As much as I enjoyed the game, I rarely encountered its Wild West inspired sequel. I recall playing one or two times, liking it, but not having enough quarters to ever finish the game.

Once I learned how to emulate, I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd return to Lethal Enforcers II at some point and finally beat the game once and for all. And that time has arrived. Lethal Enforcers II, here we come.

Story:

Does this game have a story? Playing as an unnamed and unseen protagonist, you shoot your way through a series of stages, each one themed off the Old West. There's a bank robbery, a caravan chase, a saloon shootout, all that good Old Westy kind of stuff. Presumably you are a cop or a sheriff, as your life gauge is represented by sheriff stars.

Nothing about the story is really explained in-game though. And once you beat the final boss, the credits start to roll with absolutely no ending sequence whatsoever. The game just abruptly ends. Huh.

Gameplay:

This is a simple and fun light gun shooter. If you are unfamiliar with how these games work, let me tell you. If you are playing using an actual arcade cabinet, you stand there and fire the gun at the bad guys that pop up on the screen. To reload, you have to aim the gun off screen and fire it, which fills your chamber back up again. You don't control your character's movement. The screen moves around by itself and takes you from scene to scene. Literally all you do is shoot and reload.

If you are emulating the game, you can use the controller to move the cursor around on the screen. Everything still works exactly the same, only you are using a controller rather than the light gun. My main complaint with this is how the reloading works. You have to move the cursor to the bottom of the screen, hit the shoot button, and then bring it back up again and start firing at your enemies. This was a little wonky for me. Often, this action would not reload my gun, and then I'd be stuck firing an empty weapon at the enemies on screen - resulting in a lot of cheap deaths.

I forget exactly how many levels there are (some reviewer I am!) but I think there are four or five. These levels are no longer than 10 minutes each - if that. Make sure you don't shoot any innocent bystanders, or you'll lose a badge off your health gauge. At the end of each stage, you square off against a boss character. Beat him, and you move onto the next stage. Well, unless it is the final boss. Then the game just abruptly ends.

There is a "quick draw" boss battle somewhere in the middle of the game. You face off against three enemies, but you can't shoot them till they draw their weapon first. You really have to be quick and mow them down one, two, three - or you'll lose a life and have to do it all over again. I got stuck here for a while. It's definitely the most challenging part of the whole game, which is not saying much.

The entire game can easily be beaten in 30 to 40 minutes. I am probably being generous with those estimates. It's a very short game. It's still fun, though. Perfect length for a game like this. It doesn't overstay its welcome.

Graphics:

You can probably tell by the screenshots that the game doesn't necessarily look good. The digitized graphics and character models have not aged very well, but that doesn't mean they look bad. The game has a fun, cheesy feel to it. 

I was digging the Old West theme. It feels like you are playing through an old spaghetti Wester. There are a lot of unique character models. My favorites were the shotgun toting old lady in the blue dress (I laughed out loud when she came busting through a window and shot my ass) and the town drunk shambling through the middle of a shootout. Amazingly, I managed not to hit him both times he appeared in the game.

Sound:

I enjoyed the game's music. It is very typical Western music that would feel right at home in any old movie. I particularly enjoyed the little jingle that plays whenever you pop a quarter (either real or virtual) into the game.

Sound effects aren't as good. The sound of gunfire is somewhat weak, and the guy yelling at you to reload all the time gets old fast.

Overall:

I had a good time with this game. That said, I realize its limitations. It is very short. It is very easy (as long as you have a large pile of quarters at your side). Basically, all you are doing is pointing at a screen and shooting. The graphics are outdated, and there is not much replay value to the game. Once you beat it, there is not a whole lot of reason to come back.

Despite its limitations, I can't help but appreciate the charm of this title. I love the setting and the music. It is a near perfect representation of a low budget Western movie. I don't know if that is the intent or not, but it really nails it. The gameplay itself is fun, too. It's simple, yeah, but I never had a bad time with the game. It is perfectly fun for what it is: a short, straightforward, campy light-gun shooter. 

If you like this kind of game, you will like Lethal Enforcers. I'm not going to say it is a great, or even a particularly good game. But it is fun, warts and all. It earns a recommendation from me. A slight recommendation, but a recommendation nonetheless.

THE GRADE:

C+

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Video Game Review #519: Quest 64

Quest 64

Nintendo 64

Nostalgia Factor:

I was very excited for this game when it first came out back in 1998. Final Fantasy VII had introduced me to the world of RPGs, and I instantly fell in love with the genre. But that game was for the PlayStation. I wanted to see what the Nintendo 64 could do. 

I remember renting this game for a weekend and pouring hour and hours into it. While it was clearly no Final Fantasy VII, I enjoyed it pretty well. It was a fairly simplistic RPG with a visual style reminiscent of Super Mario 64. I had fun with it, but I eventually reached a point where I got stuck and couldn't figure out what to do next. When the weekend was up, I returned the game to Blockbuster and moved on with my life.

This was 26 years ago. I haven't picked up Quest 64 since that one random weekend back in 1998. I know that in the ensuing years, the game has picked up a bum reputation online. People think it is trash and a joke of an RPG. When I first started reading the negative reviews, it surprised me, because I remember liking this game back in 1998. Was it really that bad?

Only one way to find out. After 26 years, it is time to return to Quest 64.

Story:

Do not come into this game expecting a big, elaborate story. This is about as basic as you can get. 

You control a young mage named Brian. Action takes place in "Celtland", a mystical island clearly inspired by Ireland. Brian leaves the monastery where he is learning magic to discover the whereabouts of his father, who has disappeared in search of an ancient, magical book.

Brian's travels take him to several kingdoms. Each kingdom has coincidentally lost their elemental stone, each one taken by a mysterious foe who is menacing the immediate vicinity. Brian must defeat the enemy and recover the elemental stone for that area. Once he does so, he is then allowed to move onto the next area, where he has to do the exact same thing again.

At the end of the game, Brian must defeat the big bad boss who has been manipulating the events of the game in order to get the magic book that Brian's father was looking for. And that's the end of that. 

No character development, no big plot twists. You really don't care much about what is going on. Everything is so formulaic and "by the numbers." It works much better if you are a small child, I suppose. But if you're a small child you probably wouldn't be playing Quest 64 anyway.

I've head this game's story described as something you might make when playing RPG Maker, and I really can't argue with that.

Gameplay:

Quest 64 takes place in a fully 3D environment. The left analog stick moves your character. The A button opens chests and interacts with characters. The right shoulder button brings up a menu. You can use this menu to look through the game's settings, examine the map, or peruse your item list. Interestingly, this game doesn't have equipment like traditional RPGs. You can't equip new weapons, armor, or accessories. You also don't have money, and you can't buy things in shops. All items must be collected through treasure chests or by talking to shopkeepers - who will give you items for free, presuming you are in need of them.

When you are inside a town or village, you can't be attacked by enemies. The second you step outside, you are fair game. Be prepared to fight. A lot. Quest 64 has possibly the highest encounter rate of any RPG I have ever played. You seemingly get attacked every few steps, making it very hard to make any real progress. What should be a 40 second walk to the next area turns into a 10 minute affair. Many times, I didn't even get a chance to orient myself after coming out of battle. I'd immediately get attacked. This led to a lot of frustration on my behalf.

Luckily, the battles are pretty much the highlight of the game. Each battle takes place on the game map. The battle area is indicated by a big circle on the ground. When you step outside the circle, you have the option to escape. Luckily, there is no escape failure rate. You can freely escape from any battle, as long as it is not a boss battle. When in battle, you can move around on a circle within the battle circle. You want to move close to an enemy in order to attack it physically. Or you can cast spells as well. You start with basic earth, fire, wind, and water spells. As you gain EXP, you can put these points towards one of these attributes. I recommend putting everything on water (because of the healing spells) and earth (because of the overpowered avalanche attack, which will become your best friend as you get deeper into the game).

I kind of liked this attribute system. You can also find upgrades randomly in the field which you can put towards one of these elements.

You can also move around when the enemy is attacking you in battle. You can evade projectiles and that kind of thing. I liked this aspect of the game as well.

You don't really level up your character in the traditional way. I mean, you do, in the sense that you battle characters to gain EXP and increase your health and magic meters. But there are no "levels" as we normally know them. And apparently the game has an EXP system that takes into account how often you are hit in battle. So you actually WANT to get hit more in battle, because it will help you raise your HP and MP faster. MP constantly regenerates with every step you take on the map, so it is not often you have to worry about running out of it. HP on the other hand is a bit trickier. Once you get healing spells, you can focus on healing all the time since your MP will go up regardless. But in the earlier portion of the game, things can get pretty difficult pretty fast.

Another thing to like is that when you die, it is not game over. You go back to the last Inn you saved your game. You keep all the extra HP and MP you gained. This makes grinding not as frustrating, because you don't lose everything when you die.

The structure of the game is pretty simple. Go to a town. You find out that the town is being terrorized by a bad guy who has stolen the town's elemental crystal. You then head out and fight the bad guy. When you beat him, this unlocks the next area of the game.

Dungeons in this game are not particularly fun. They mainly consist of long hallways or corridors that all look the game. And they take FOREVER to get through, especially when you are constantly under attack from enemies. There is a significant amount of grinding you can do when in a dungeon, but if you are like me, you are going to eventually get tired of all the battling and just start escaping from every battle. Even this is annoying because sometimes you'll get attacked again the second you orient yourself and start moving in the right direction. The whole game turns into a pattern of take two steps, get sucked into a random battle, escape, take two steps, get in another battle, escape, take one step, get in another battle, escape.... it goes on and on.

Even more annoying is the fact that it is easy to get turned around when everything looks the same. I lost track of all the times I would come out of battle and start going what I thought was the right direction, only to find out later on I had wasted all this time going the wrong freaking way. It's annoying. It's really annoying.

And that basically sums up my entire experience with the game: constant irritation. The game does not let up when it comes to giving you the middle finger. I almost admire its tenacity. It's wild how I didn't notice this problem when I was a teenager, renting this game from Blockbuster Video. I guess problems like this were more acceptable over 25 years ago.

I emulated this game, so I ended up playing most of it at three times the normal speed. The fast speed made grinding and travel a lot more tolerable, but even then I found myself getting irritated at all the constant encounters. I can't possibly imagine playing this on normal speed the whole way through. I would have gone mad.

Graphics:

If there is one aspect of Quest 64 I will vehemently defend, it is the game's graphics. It really does look like an RPG version of something like Mario 64. Cute, polygonal characters. Fully detailed interiors and towns. Colorful landscapes filled with trees, rocks, walking paths, etc. And the enemies look pretty good too!

The only complaint I have is the overall "samey-ness" of some of the dungeons. I previously mentioned how so many of them look the same, and I was always getting turned around inside them. That is a problem. But other than that, everything looked fine to me.

I've read some online complaints saying that the game's environments look too basic, like an unfinished tech demo. I never got that impression. Sure, there are some open and empty spaces on the overworld map, but there are open and empty spaces in real life too. I'm from Wisconsin. I'm used to that kind of thing. Does that mean I am living in an unfinished tech demo?

Sound:

The music for the game is very quaint and down to earth. It almost gives things a relaxing feel to things when you are walking around a town or exploring the countryside. At times this really sounds like a 16-bit game - and I mean that in a good way.

It's a good thing the game has good battle music, because like I said, you get sucked into battle quite often. But I kind of like the battle music. Imagine the constant anguish if it had been terrible.

Overall:

I'll concede: this is not a good game. My nostalgic memories have failed me. Often as I was playing this, I'd get frustrated with the countless battles and the lack of direction. The difficulty is pretty high too, at least until you max out your earth and water skills. Some of this stuff might have been forgivable with good characters and a strong storyline, but this game has none of that.

I quickly found myself playing through this game with the sole intent of finishing it up and getting it done as quickly as possible. I often asked myself if I was having any fun as I played, and the answer was almost always no.

That said, there are still some things to enjoy here. The music, the graphics, the setting of the game. I even liked the battle system, and how you can move around on the grid to attack enemies and evade their attacks. It's just too bad the game is bogged down by countless battles and endless grinding.

Now that I am done with Quest 64, I can't imagine a scenario where I play this game again. I saw everything there was to see, and did everything there was to do here. And I didn't have a whole lot of fun in the process. Should you check out Quest 64? I think I can safely advise passing on this one. You aren't missing a whole lot.

THE GRADE:

D

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Video Game Review #518: God of War Ragnarok

God of War Ragnarok

PlayStation 4

Nostalgia Factor:

This is now my sixth review of a God of War game. While I've always enjoyed the series, I have never quite liked it as much as the critics seem to do. Looking back at my review for the previous game in the series, I can't believe I gave it an A, because my memories of the game line up more with a B or B+ experience than they do an A. Did I let the "game of the year!!!!11" people get in my head, or was it more a recency bias kind of thing? Because the game, while fun, definitely got way too high of a score from me.

About two and a half years have passed since God of War Ragnarok was released. I always knew I was going to play this game, but I was never in any rush to do so. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to do things on my own time. IE: when the price goes down. Well, when I found out my local library had a copy of this game, I figured now would be the time to finally dive in. Nothing beats free, right?

The reviews I've read of this game have been a bit polarizing - with some people praising it and other people bashing it for being repetitive and pushing a "woke" agenda. I don't care about any of that stuff. I just want to know if it is fun or not.

So, is it fun? Let's find out!

Story:

I hope you didn't come here expecting a deep, detailed analysis of the game's story - because I honestly had no idea what was happening about 90% of the time I was playing this. I don't know if it is because the game's story is confusing or because I simply have attention span issues. It might be a little bit of both. To be honest, I have never really been able to follow along very well with the storyline of any God of War game. I've never been a big fan of mystical gods and goddesses and their relationships and that kind of thing. When they start dropping names and talking about stuff that means nothing to me, I tend to zone out and start waiting for the fighting and big action set pieces to begin.

From what I was able to gather, the game takes place shortly after the last game in the series. Fimbulwinter has fallen over Midgard, which people many take as a bad omen. They feel that Kratos is somehow responsible for it. Kratos and Atreus are constantly on the lookout for ambush attacks from Freya, who is still pissed Kratos killed her son in the last game (even though he deserved it).

Somehow the characters start down a path that leads to war with Odin, the All-Father. This isn't your MCU version of Odin. This Odin, and pretty much all the Asgardians that follow him, are bad. It is up to Kratos, Atreus, and the newly recruited Freya to unite the 9 realms and bring about Ragnarok, a mythical war that is prophesized to bring about the end of Odin.

There are a ton of little side jaunts, but that is the main gist of the story. Along the way you'll rescue Tyr - the Nordic God of War. You'll encounter Angrboda, who has something to do with prophecies. She seems to be a key player in the events of the game, as well as a future love interest for Atreus. I never really figured out what was going on with her, as the quest where she is introduced is extremely long and boring. It had me zoning out and looking at my phone in the middle of playing the game, which is never, ever a good sign.

There are other quests too. Some involve giant dogs. Others involve a mythical mask of some kind. It's just all too much to keep up with. Or maybe I'm just an idiot with no attention span for this kind of game. Regardless, the story of this game wasn't really for me. Was it "woke, agenda pushing nonsense?" Absolutely not. I don't know where those people are coming from. I just thought the storyline wasn't very coherent or interesting.

Gameplay:

It's been a while since I played the last God of War, so I am not sure if the gameplay is similar or not to that title. I seem to remember the last game being more open world, with lots of backtracking and things to discover. This game is quite linear in nature. You battle through enemies, make it to your destination, watch a story sequence, battle more enemies, watch a story sequence, travel to your next destination, battle more enemies, travel some more, watch a story sequence.... on and on it goes.

It isn't until about 10 hours or so into the game where you start to get side quests, which you can go back and complete at any time. It does add a little needed depth to the game, but I still found things to be quite repetitive. And they got repetitive fast.

Honestly, I found this game to be quite a drag to play through. It took me like three months to make my way through this game. It just wasn't grabbing my interest enough. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I didn't care about the game's story. It also has to do with the fact that the game is quite repetitive. You can only fight enemies and watch cutscenes for so long. The game took me nearly thirty hours to complete, and I'd say by hour five I was already mentally checked out.

There are some nice boss battles and some fun environments to check out, but these things weren't really enough to keep me interested. You gotta do better than that. Everything in this game felt like "been there, done that." Making my way through the game was really a massive struggle at times.

All that being said, there are still things to like about the game. While I may have found the game to be boring or uninspired at times, it was never bad. Kratos handles well. The combat is fun. There are multiple weapons to pick from, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. A lot of special attacks and combos to learn. Some interesting side characters to help you on your way.

I just wish there was more to this game than fight, run, watch story scenes, and then fight some more. Like I said, it got old, fast. At its core, there is a truly great game to be found here. Unfortunately, they fumbled the bag a bit with this one.

Graphics:

Fortunately, this is a very beautiful game to look at. The landscapes are all very nicely designed and fun to soak in. The characters look great, and they emote well. The special effects like fire, explosions, and magic spells all look really good. I love the intense action sequences with characters being thrown through walls and that kind of thing. Some of the giant battles are visually very impressive.

That said, there was a certain lack of that "wow" factor to be found here. I was waiting for an area to completely blow me away almost the entire way through, and it didn't come until nearly the end of the game. Everything has kind of a "same-y" feel to it. Forests, caves, snowy areas, that kind of thing. It looks good, yeah, but was never particularly inspiring to me. 

Sound:

Everything sounds fantastic in this game. The voice acting is great, as are the ambient sound effects. The epic music and the chaotic sounds of battle all fit the action onscreen perfectly. There really isn't anything to complain about here. Even though I didn't have a particularly great time playing the game, I can't deny that its visual and sound effects are top notch.

Overall:

This is tough. The game looks and sounds great, and you can tell a lot of hard work was put into making this an A+ title. I just wish it was more fun to play - and that's the deal breaker for me.

The game is simply too repetitive. It's too linear. The puzzles are laughably easy. Every time a battle would break out I'd be like "oh fuck, were we go AGAIN." If I had been heavily invested in the characters or storyline, I may have been able to overlook some of these flaws. But this wasn't the case, either.

It may sound like I am being harsh, but I won't say I necessarily hated this game. There's a lot to like about it, but it wasn't quite enough to truly win me over. It's an okay experience, and that's it. I was ambivalent about the game the entire way through, and I feel as if this needs to be reflected in its final score. So I am going to give it what I feel is the perfect middle of the road score.

**drumroll**

THE GRADE:

C

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