Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Video Game Review #238: Goldeneye 007: Reloaded

Goldeneye 007: Reloaded
PlayStation 3


Nostalgia Factor:

I have a bone to pick with this game. Look at the back of its case. “The Bond adventure that began it all returns. Refined. Recharged. Reloaded.”

Having never even heard of this game before, I jumped to the only logical conclusion there was – that this was a remake of the original Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64, but with updated graphics. The pictures on the back of the box even seemed to support that theory.

I loved the original Goldeneye. It’s one of my all-time favorite shooters. Take that game and give it updated graphics and gameplay? I was in. I was so in. I gladly shelled out my hard-earned dollars to pick this game up. It was like a dream come true!

It took me about five minutes of playing to realize that I’d made a horrible mistake. Aside from a few incidental similarities, this game was NOTHING like its Nintendo 64 predecessor. It wasn’t a remake at all. It was a completely different game entirely. And a shitty one at that.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, I guess I should break this game down for you.

*sigh*



Story:

This game is a reimagining of the original Goldeneye, but set in present time as opposed to the 90s. Pierce Brosnan has been replaced by Daniel Craig. All the old and outdated technology in the original game and movie have been replaced by sleek modern day equipment. Bond uses a smart phone, if that gives you any indication what kind of game this is.

Reloaded follows the same basic, BASIC plot of the original Goldeneye, but with massive liberties taken, to the point where it isn’t even recognizable anymore. The second stage takes place in a dance club where you have to walk around and scan people’s faces, looking for one person in particular. It’s fucking stupid and I hate it. Where was this in the movie or the N64 game? This isn’t Goldeneye. If you wanted to make a Craig Bond game set in modern times, don’t manipulate people using the Goldeneye name to do it. Make a new fucking game. It just gets worse and worse the longer you play.

Yeah, I’m getting angry already. The rest of this review is going to be fun, isn’t it?



Gameplay:

OK, so they took major liberties with the original game’s storyline. At least its gameplay is good, right?

RIGHT?

No. It’s awful. The original Goldeneye broke barriers with how interactive its game world was. Unique missions, bullet holes in the wall, equipment that blew up when you shot at it, enemies that reacted differently depending on where on their body you shot them. This game takes away all those fun little touches. You run around you shoot people with no nuance whatsoever. Shooting them in the middle of the body does the same amount of damage that shooting them in the arm does. It’s stupid. The game holds your hand too much too. Just point in the direction of your enemy and shoot, and the game’s auto aim will take care of the rest.

Hordes of enemies swarm you, so you shoot them a couple times until they fall over and they are all dead. Then you move on to the next section of the game and you do the same. Every once in a while you have to pull out your phone and walk around at a snail's pace looking for something to scan, so that you can pass your mission. There’s no variety. There’s no fun or joy to be found here. It’s a by-the-numbers boring and generic shooter with no personality whatsoever.

Oh wait, I lied about there being no variety. There is a tank level that plays out similar to a rail-shooter like Star Fox or Panzer Dragoon, and it isn't that bad.



Graphics:

I guess I can finally say something good about this game. Daniel Craig looks fine as Bond. The environments and the interiors of this game look really nice. There is nothing eye-popping or beautiful about this game’s graphics, but they do the job. If the game was any fun to play – these graphics would suffice 100%.

My main gripe is what they did with the character models. Alec Trevelyan (006) is just some boring and generic looking white guy with no discernible traits whatsoever. Xenia Onatopp is a boring and generic looking white woman with no discernible traits whatsoever. Natalya Simonova is a boring and generic looking white woman with no discernible traits… are we noticing a pattern here? I’m sure noticing it. They did these characters dirty. They truly did. No personality, nothing distinctive about them, they’re just plain boring. It’s a shame.

And Boris…. don’t even get me started on Boris. Oh wait, Boris isn’t even in this game – so I can’t get started on him.

*sigh* 



Sound:

I mean, this game’s sound is fine. Nothing stood out to me as particularly good or bad either way. Music and sound effects: serviceable. Certainly no music tracks are as iconic as what you’d hear in the N64 game, but that goes without saying. Just like everything else in this game – its music is boring and doesn’t do anything to make it stand out from the crowd.

Credit where credit is due: I loved hearing the Tina Turner Goldeneye theme at the beginning of the game and during the end credits. This is one of my favorite Bond theme songs, and I totally didn’t expect to hear it in this game. I was pleasantly surprised.

Perhaps the only pleasant surprise this game has to offer.




Overall:

In case you can’t tell, I didn’t enjoy this game. It’s painfully boring and generic, and it does nothing to advance the first person shooter genre. I would have had a much better time just going back and playing the original Goldeneye than playing this. This game brings nothing to the table. NOTHING. Seriously. I played it just for the sake of beating it, not because I actually enjoyed it. Now that I am done with the game I plan to trade it in and get rid of it. I am certainly never going to play it again. Why bother?

The only thing keeping it from a failing score is that if you strip this game of the Goldeneye title and all its Bond elements, I probably wouldn’t have hated it as much as I did. I mean, it still wouldn’t have been very good, but at least I wouldn’t be angry at it for trying to trick me into thinking it was going to be as good as the original.

Don’t play this game. Whether you like the original Goldeneye or not, it is just flat out not worth your time. There are so many better options out there.


Final Score:
D-



If you liked this review, check out some of my other game reviews:



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